Your university selects you for an experimental program

"First name?"

"John."

"Last name?"

"Doe."

"And could you spell that for me?"

You spell your first and last name, very slowly, as the cute blonde co-ed whose nametag says "Mindy" behind the counter types away. Every fiber of your being is concentrated on looking anywhere but her perky tits and praying that the bulge in your jeans would just go away already. As if college orientation wasn't stressful enough, you woke up this morning with a boner that refused to go away, no matter how cold your shower was or how disgusting and unsexy your thoughts.

Staring a little too intently at the wall just over her left shoulder, you bumble your way through the standard personal information to make your Student ID -- the final obstacle before you can sprint to your dorm room and hose the fucking walls down with jizz. Just when you think you're finished, however, Mindy frowns at the screen for a moment before turning to wave down a slightly older man with a chiseled jaw who must be something like a manager here in Student Services.

"Uh, this just popped up here. Is it a glitch, or...?"

"Holy shit, it's real? I thought that email was a prank from some perv in HR..." he shakes his head and turns to you with his best customer service voice, "Well, John, you're a lucky man. You're the first to be randomly selected for our brand new Frederick University's Confident Koalas All-Access Pass! To help you feel more comfortable in your new campus environment, you will be entitled to free, on-demand sexual service from any and all university faculty, staff, employees, or interns while they're on campus. Want anal from your academic advisor? Pegged by your favorite professor? Even just a blowjob from myself or Mindy here? Say the word, and we are at your disposal, sir."

You just shake your head, "Bullshit!"

Even if something that insane exists, you could never get picked for it. You've never won a single game of chance in your life -- coins seem to go out of their way to flip one more time, wishbones turn to rubber to avoid giving you the longer half, and the one time you snuck a spin on a gas station slot machine it blue-screened just as the third cherry fell into place. You're a natural born loser.

"It's entirely real, Mr. Doe. See for yourself!"

He turns the screen around and points to a gold-star at the top of the screen, next to the flashing words F.U.C.K. Pass Recipient.

"Pardon my saying so, sir, but I can't help but notice you seem to be quite erect already. Just let me print your ID, and you'll be free to use any of us right here in Student Services-- though, we do ask that you take whoever you choose into a back room. It's an incredibly busy day, you understand?"

A moment later, you are holding a brand new Student ID and F.U.C.K. Pass.