Not well

Hannah is yelling at Jill. I’m sitting on the floor crying quietly with my legs pulled up and my forehead touching my knees. Why would people do that?! And put it where people could see it? The… fluids. Things going inside of other things. Faces contorting, screaming. Humanity is made of monsters that all try and hurt each other. I want my cartoons.

“Why would you show her that! I know you don’t think things through, but this?! You’re supposed to be her friend and you traumatized her!” Hannah is really mad at Jill after she came to get us and found me hiding under my blanket crying.

“Okay, maybe I should have given her some context before showing her. But she needs to see it so we can hang out outside of her house. My family is starting to think I’m just making her up as an excuse to lick your pussy instead of going to work.”

I cry a little harder. Jill and Hannah do those things? With each other? Is my whole life a lie? Do they even like me or am I just an unwanted fool? Or are they planning to do those things with me? I don’t want things inside me! Or my thing in other things!

Hannah looks at me and sighs. “We’ll talk about this later.” She sits down on the floor next to me. “… are you okay honey?”

I shake my head in my knees and sob. I feel her hand on my back and flinch away. I sniffle into my knees. “I… I’m sorry baby.” Her voice sounds hurt from my reaction to her touch. “You had so much going wrong for you. At first I just wanted to keep you away from everything, to give you time to recover on your own. Before I knew it you were growing up… and I realized I wasn’t ready to have you see things… see me differently. So I talked to some experts. And… and I found some who told me what I wanted to hear. That I could have my sweet baby sister be my little one forever. And that it was really what was best for you. I… I let what I wanted cloud my judgement. I’m so sorry.”

I peek over my knees to glance over at her. She sounds really sorry, and she has tears down her cheeks just like me. I lean over and release my legs to quickly wrap my arms around her waist instead, moving my face from my knees to her chest. I still feel lied to… but it’s Hannah. I love her, and nothing she could do will ever change that.

We hug silently for a bit, and I let my fears about her melt away. The world might be scarier and… stickier than I knew, but she was still my sister. Suddenly I’m reminded that Jill is here. “So, can we leave this house yet? It’s cozy and all, but she needs to get out and PARTY!”

Hannah squeezes me reassuringly. “She just learned what sex is, and only the parts covered by porn. You are not taking her near any party unless you want to party in the hospital in a full body cast.” I chuckle into Hannah’s chest. She doesn’t normally give such cartoony threats. “But… if Alice wants, and only if she wants to, we could go for a walk. We’ll probably see… something. But we can keep our distance and just see it. And you can ask questions. Do you think you could do that baby?”

I think about it hard. The videos Jill showed me were all inside. Was Hannah implying people did that sort of thing outside too? Just, not as often? And why did they do it at all? It looked horrible. Painful, especially for the girls… but they still often smiled. I don’t get it… and I never will if I keep hiding away.

“… we won’t go far?” I peek up at Hannah for reassurance.

“That’s right baby. Just around the block.”

“… and we won’t get close to anyone doing… stuff?”

“We might see them, but we’ll keep our distance.”

“… what if I get tired?” Walking isn’t exactly my strong point.

“We can use your wheel chair. It’s in the garage.”

I look out the window. Of course I’ve been outside before. Like, in the fenced in yard. Walking to the car. Walking from the car. Into the hospital, out of the hospital. One or two other buildings… actually I usually wait in the car even when I do go out. And the last time I rode in the car at all was… two? Three years ago? My stomach trembles at the idea of going out… maybe this isn’t a good idea. “What if I get hot? Or I get thirsty? Or… something?”

“We can use the stroller. I bought a big one for you, but we never used it since I didn’t want you outside. It has a roof and a basket for drinks. You’ll be nice and safe.” Hannah kisses me on top of my head. “A party is definitely out of the question… but Jill is right about one thing. You need to see the world. If you feel ready.” She looks down at me lovingly.

“… okay.”

“YEESSSS!” Jill yells. “And for the record, I’m right about way more than one thing. Alice, I bet you’ll be happily slurping cock, licking pussy, fucking studs and bitches left and right by the end of the week! Oh we are gonna have so much fun!”

“Language! And she will explore what she enjoys with her body at her own pace. She might not enjoy it like we do. Because… because of what I did.” Hannah sounds sad.

I reach up and cup her cheek. “It’s okay Hannah. I’m a little scared, but I know you want what’s best for me. So, if you think I should stay inside, I will. And if you think I should go for a walk, I will. You’re my big sister, I know you’ll take care of me.” It’s all true, but I purposefully slip in the option for her to cancel this all as a last ditch chance of not going without admitting a large part of me would rather keep hiding from the world.

She sighs. “Let’s get you some outside clothes. Jill, go get the stroller ready and some drinks.” Jill laughs with unreal excitement and dashes from the room.

Several minutes later, I’m sitting in a large stroller in the entryway with Hannah strapping me in securely and putting a little tray table down in front of me. I wanted to wear pants, but all I have are pajama pants and Hannah doesn’t want me to get sweaty. It is hot out today. “I’m so proud of you honey.” She brushes my hair back and finishes with a two hair ties to put me in pigtails. I tried to find something more covering, but between laundry and the heat outside, I didn’t have any options but the white tank top that leaves my belly exposed. The blouse I was wearing I used as a snot rag one too many times while crying. I’m still wearing my blue duck skirt though. Now sitting, it exposes even more of my diaper than normal. I don’t intend to walk, so I’m just wearing pink socks.

Hannah changes into a white sundress that goes to mid thigh, which makes it clear and easy to see her blue bra underneath and her lack of panties. She slips on some short pink heels and is ready to go. Jill is already good to go in her green tube top and short jean skirt. I see no indication she has on any underwear. She slips on her fluorescent yellow shoes with ankle socks, and then jumps up. “Let Alice’s conquest of all the dicks and pussies of the world commence! Forward!” She opens the door eagerly.

I whimper to myself. “Jill, stop scaring her. It’s just a walk.” My stroller begins to move towards the door.

“Wait! … um. I need… something.” My hands fidget in front of me, seeking comfort from anything but finding nothing. “A blanket!”

My comment is insane. It’s blazing out, a blanket is suicide. But my hands need something. Luckily Hannah understands what I need with one look at my fidgeting. With a gentle smile, she steps away, only to come back and hand me someone I haven’t seen in months. “Mr. Bunny!” I hug his small light brown body to my chest. Leaning more towards baby shaped than bunny shaped, he still has the fur, the black beady eyes, and of course the ears of a rabbit. His pink neck bow is a little faded, and his fur is a little ruffled, but that’s just the price you pay for years of snuggling.

“I put him in storage since you haven’t been playing with him. If you get nervous, just hug him tightly.” Smiling happily at Hannah, I nod my head and immediately squeeze him harder to my chest. I hadn’t really played with stuffed animals in a long time, but right now I could definitely use some comfort.

Jill taps her feet impatiently. “World of cocks, right outside. Once you get to know them, way more fun to snuggle with. Let’s gooo!”

Hannah laughs at Jill’s rudeness, and my stroller crosses the threshold into the outside world. I really don’t know if I’m ready for this. The brightness of non artificial light without windows and curtains filtering it harshly beats my eyes. Even with the roof over my head everything is so bright. I wish I had sunglasses. Hopefully my eyes adjust so I can better see the world… or not. My gut roils as I wonder if I will ever be able to see the world the same way, after actually seeing it.