Eugene Kremki-"Legendary" College Sophomore

*Well, I guess if no ones going to add to this*

Ah, nothing lifts the soul quite like the sight of a hustling and bustling college campus. Anyone who looked at one would be pleased to see how teaming with youth, ambition, and life it was. They see buildings named after wealthy alumni who donated way too much money to immortalize themselves were filled with students attempting to learn/pass the time till they could leave. Then they’d find young athletes practicing in their sport of choice all the while panicking about how they’d need to find time to study for their upcoming midterms. And of course, they’d meet increasingly marginalized college professors that were hard at work trying to figure out what questions they could put in their next exam before giving up and deciding to copy questions found online.

Yes, it was a system that did nothing but foster the best in humanity and left happiness in its wake…

Ah, who am I kidding? This whole campus is another step added before people can get jobs that could be expected to pay for rent, booze, and health care after drinking too much booze.

Even here sitting in the middle of the campus plaza, I can’t help but feel contempt for the whole thing. Stupid after school groups trying and failing to get new recruits for their fledgling clubs (Sorry band society, but glee clubs are more popular to schools and getting new instruments every year is expensive), students grouped together for a project while eating thinking they’d actually get any work done while eating, and two JUNIOR SOROITY SISTERS leaning in close together, oh so close together, pushing what’s on their phone screens into each other’s faces, like it’s the most important thing they see all day. (It probably was)

What made that even worse is that they were doing it while sitting together on the stone tiling that surround the campus water fountain.

That. Damn. Water. Fountain.

That thing has caused more phone damage & phone related accidents than Apple and Samsung combined. On a good day, people would be lucky to see only one broken phone caused by that fountain, and that would only be because that good day happened to be in January where it was TOO FREAKING COLD to have the fountain filled with water. I had long since given up on counting the number cracked Iphone & Android screens on campus. I had better things to do, thank you very much (No, I really didn’t. I was actually just tired of looking at them.)

And I can bet you’re wondering by now why I am even bothering to regale you with my phone/fountain related pet peeves when you know these kinds of things are only the phone owner’s fault. Well, it ties back into my freshman orientation over a year ago.

With a bright smile and hopes as high as frat boy on April 20th, I, salutatorian of John Marshall High School, Eugene Kremki, begin my freshmen year. It was bitter work studying for the SATs on weekends and going to lunches with a test practice book. But since nobody paid any mind to me by this point, my time was always optimized. Now armed with a full scholarship and a new smart phone(Thanks *Insert Phone Company Here*) , my life here would 10 times better than any life lead by those losers in my old school….

Is what I was thinking to myself while I fell into the cold water, ignoring my orientation group’s guide.

The sound of a freshman and his new phone falling into the water was enough to catch everyone around the fountain, including sororities attempting to spread the word of their little fun house antics, off guard and their eyes were now staring squarely on the poor schmuck before them.

Everything happened so fast that it made it difficult for me to process what was happening around me. I had yet to realize that my glasses had fallen off my face, that the contents of my backpack were now sprawled across the fountain, notebook papers now engulfing it, and course, my new phone was now water logged beyond the point of the rice tricks help. It took the cheery, commiserating voice of my orientation group’s guide to bring this to a close.

“And that’s our fountain. Please be careful to not lose sight of it.”

Laughter erupted across the campus plaza and cold water started to splash my face as the realization dawned on me.

Nothing was going to change.

It didn’t take long from that point for my “Legend” to spread across the campus. The little geeky freshman that lost his bearings and fell face first into that water hazard they call a fountain. No club that I joined would let me forget it and every class I took in those first six weeks would at some point bring it up. In one fell swoop, I managed to immortalize myself on this campus more quickly and cost-effectively than any alumni of this school.

Yay me.

What makes it even worse is I know that those bitches are always thinking about that day when they see me. They may not say it out loud, but I know, I know, that they don’t know anything else about me and that they don’t care to. That perky, built-to-be-a-weather-news-girl orientation guide certainly never forgot it and I know every sorority THOT on campus has a copy of the pictures taken of me that day.

I hate them, I Hate them, I HATE THEM!

It was bad enough when they ignored me in high school, but here not only do I get ignored, but they’re ignoring me cause they decided for me that orientation day is all that is worth knowing about me. Well that’s fine by me, cause I don’t care to get to know them either. I can know plenty about them just by watching their social media followings and seeing how they treat each other. If nothing else, at least they make good eye candy and aren’t afraid to dress all pretty for a camera. My personal collection is proof enough of that.

Getting up from my seat to look at the fountain and the fine sorority sisters sitting on it one last time only helped to reinforce my current mindset. That day will forever define me on this campus no matter what I do and any woman here who looks at me will only think that I’m a loser because of it.

I walked by the fountain on the other side, hoping to avoid the two juniors.

‘Oh boy, I can’t wait for when I go corporate and somehow I find a staircase to trip upwards and the cycle can continue.’

I looked at my phone(just got it last week) to check the time.

‘Damn, all this hatred and self-monologuing exposition masquerading as me reminiscing (what) is making me late. I gotta rush to class…’

Is what I was thinking to myself when I bumped into someone that unexpectedly grabbed onto me and fell into the fountain, taking me with them.

‘I gotta start paying more attention’

(This is the most angry thing I think I’ve ever written)