A Little Evil Never Hurt Anyone

So much to do and so little time to do it in. Xander gave Harmony and the Cordettes the evil eye as he mentally moved on. He would deal with them later, when he had the time.

So what did he want to do next?

Xander snorted.

Buffy. It was always Buffy. Everything came back to Buffy for him. So what did he want to do with Buffy? Outside of doing her. Sex with Buffy was almost always on his mind. He was in love with her, sue him.

Xander bowed his head, it was hard to be in love with someone who didn't love you back.

Xander raised his head and looked at Master P.C. Of course, that didn't have to be the case. It would be wrong to rewrite Buffy's mind. Evil, truly evil. However, given that he loved her, truly loved her; would love and cherish her for ever and ever, always support her and be there for her.... And Buffy deserved someone to love her. She was a hero, a big damn hero, she deserved to have someone at the very least.

It would be wrong to deny her that.

How could he not do this? Xander gnawed on his lower lip as he worried about the ethics involved. And then there was the thought he had every other second. It would be nice if Buffy chose him because she wanted to. He would love her no matter what but he would love her more if she decided, on her own, to chose him.

So instead of rewriting Buffy's mind he could create a situation where it would be obvious he was the one for her. The only problem was Buffy was adorable and everyone in their right mind would want her. So he had to engineer a setting where Buffy would not be appealing to every other guy. And not change a single hair on Buffy's head because she was perfect the just the way she is.

"Oy." Xander face palmed.

A couple minutes musing had Xander circling the idea that the only thing that would turn guys off was something gay. Nothing turned off insecure teen males off like the mere hint of being gay. And he didn't mean Lesbians. Guys loved Lesbians. So how did he make Buffy gay to guys?

Give Buffy a dick. Xander frowned. That was it? Give Buffy a dick? That was stupid. Yes, guys would stay away from Buffy if Buffy had a dick. But how would they know? It's not like Buffy would go near guys... Well, actually, that wasn't too bad. If Buffy had a dick she wouldn't go after guys, she'd be embarrassed about the dick.

That was so stupid it had to work.

And it's not like he had a problem with Buffy having a dick. It was Buffy. And if that dick meant he could be with Buffy he'd love that dick.

So how would he give Buffy a dick?

A minute of staring at a blank entry and no other idea occurred to him.

"Reason it thru, idiot." Xander told himself. So... Buffy had to be embarrassed about her dick. So it couldn't be something she was born with. It had to be something new but not too new. So when did she get the dick? And why?

"Duh." Xander face palmed. "Magic."

Okay, so it's a magic dick... and she had to get it before she came to Sunnydale. So what did Buffy do back in L.A. that would allow for magic to give her a dick. Be chosen as the Slayer and slay vampires. Chosen as the Vampire Slayer... that could work. Giles said something about the mark of a Slayer being a big mole. So what if a girl grew a dick instead of had a big mole?

08-when a Slayer is chosen she will grow a penis of average length.

Xander held his breath as reality changed, only to let it out a great disgruntled grunt. Well that didn't work out the way he thought it would. Xander groaned and ran a hand through his hair. Buffy was staying away from guys. Buffy was staying away from everyone. And she wore pants every day. Which sucked, he loved when Buffy wore skirts, she had great legs. Short legs. Short but great. And she wasn't exactly the same vivacious Buffy the he had known before changing the world with Master P.C. He'd asked her out and she'd shot him down, the same as she had in the original world. Of course this new Buffy shot everyone down.

So how did he fix this?

He needed a way for Buffy to know that they were meant to be. That he would love her even if she had a dick. Hell, if it meant he got to have her he'd... well, handjobs definitely. He'd give Buffy all the handjobs she could want. And he could work up to... other things. Surely. Eventually.

So what would be a sign he was her one true love? he snickered, a boner. Nothing said true love like a hard on. After a minute of nothing else coming to mind Xander tried to figure out how make an erection mean something.

09-a Slayer's penis is not a normal penis. A slayer's penis will only become erect in the presence of their one true love. Buffy Summers only gets an erection around Xander Harris.

"What the hell?" Xander stared at the screen. "Nothing?"

Nothing. Still nothing. Buffy still wasn't his girlfriend. She was still stand offish. No more casual hugs from Buffy. In fact she went out of her way to not be alone with him. And now Giles was giving him the evil eye for some reason.

So what the hell was he going to do now?