The definition of a physically attractive man. (Heavyset)

Josh looked down at himself, and grumbled.

What was this? A pity party?

Look. He had no time to work out. Okay, that was a lie. He had no time to pretend like he wanted to work out. He was busy! Between his demoralizing shift hours and demoralizing leisure time and jerking off to swimsuit models on the internet, not even a minute on the treadmill could really be spared in his heavy-duty life schedule.

Eating? Eating was easy. Eating was multitask-material.

Could you type up spreadsheets while riding a bike?

Exactly.

Say what you will. As far as Josh was concerned, women would never like him because he was -- put simply -- big. Doughy. 'Fat.' Not necessarily obese. Honestly, not even chubby. He was just an irregular 'shape'. Not round enough to be cute, not square enough to pass off as bulky. His midsection mostly just filled out into an awkward pear outline that instantly turned women into a beeline for whichever way he wasn't.

Let's be fair. He had a dull, pale, rather un-exciting face. His parents weren't catwalk models. His genetics weren't blessed by angels dancing to 'Close to You' and cooing over his little infant self.

He was... a bit bottom of the barrel.

And this 'Rules of the World' app was definitely kind enough to, ahem.

RUB IT IN!

Jeez.

He'll show 'em.

He'll show 'em all.

With a smirk of the lips, Josh highlighted the top line with a finger, and made a few small revisions.

• Men considered to be physically attractive tend to be heavyset, with large, doughy guts, flabby skin, and un-fit body shapes, aka 'fat'.
• The bigger the gut, the hotter a man is considered to be.
• All women love a large gut on a man.

He stopped at the next line, which he was about to highlight by instinct. Eh, he thought, that could stay.

• Physically attractive/hot men are on average much more uncommon compared to men with inferior looks, as it's harder for them to sustain their appearance/lifestyle.

As he looked his edits over, he bust out laughing.

HAHAHAHA. Hahahah.

Imagine, a world: where HE was the dripping, smoldering epitome of male, chauvinistic sex appeal, the walking hunk that all nubile ladies craved, that all other gorillas craved to be, that had images of plastered across billboards to remind the ants below of the impossible ideal they could never realistically acquire!

Oh.

Oh!

Oh man! His sides! His kidneys! Oh shit, his kidneys.

Anyway. This shit should be pitched for a Saturday Night Live sketch.

With a chuckle, Josh pressed confirm.