Laura Miles, Erotic Artist

Jacob braced himself for the smell of his sister’s apartment. Always an olfactory adventure. Her relationship with cleanliness was as sparse as her relationship with the outside world. Covid had done a number on her. Not the disease, the quarantine.

Gathering his courage, he opened the door to her one-room apartment. It was humid to start with, hot too. The AC was broken, but she needed to have a repairman come over to have it fixed, thus the hot apartment. It didn’t help that she had three bags of trash piled by the door. “At least she bagged them up this time.”

This in no way meant that her apartment was not strewn with trash and takeout containers, but she had made an effort to clean something. The trash can was overflowing too.

“Hey, Cabbage Face, get out here!” He added a fourth bag of trash to her collection and replaced the can. Still no sis.

“Probably has her headphones in.”

He followed two of her pet cockroaches into her bedroom. He thanked them for their guidance by squishing them. Don't worry, she had plenty to spare.

Her room was a dark void, lit by a computer screen depicting an anime girl getting her nipples fucked by drooling goblins.

“Wakey wakey.” He flicked the lights on. There was no floor. Only piles of trash and collectibles. She wasn’t on her futon, which might as well have been a couch, she never unfolded it. Her dirty blankets were flat against the mattress. It was more likely she was at her desk, but her gamer chair was empty too.

The bathroom door was open, but he checked anyway. Empty.

These were the corners of her world, and she was not in them.

Laura had left the house?

He called her on his phone.

“The number you have called is a state of mind, please hang up and think again.”

“The hell?” Now he was getting worried. He started digging through the floor. The Smell! If she died in here, no one would even notice!

Nothing!

The trash bags!

He ripped them open, and threw the contents on the ground, sure that he’d find a limb or a few strands of green hair!

Nothing!

The cabinets!

Nothing!

And sure Laura’s apartment was a mess, but it wasn’t the shrine to Nurgle Jacob the neat freak thought it was. At least it hadn’t been, it sure as hell was now!

He cracked the fridge open, no frozen head to be seen.

“Where is she?”

——-

One moment Jacob was standing in filth, and the next, he was sitting in car. Passenger side, leather seats. “Woah! This is… a really cool car….”

There was a man driving the car. A cool guy in a suit and aviators. Pale skin, brown hair, and a handsome smile. “2017 Dodge Viper, royal blue, white stripe down the middle. 645 horsepower, she hates me for taking her through traffic.” Californian.

“Um…, nice. Am I being kidnapped?” Jacob looked out the window and saw the familiar Chicago landmarks pass by.

“I’d say so.”

“Oh…” he tired the door.

“Nope.” The man turned on his blinker, then offered the offered Jacob his hand. “The name’s Sands.”

Jacob shook it. “Jacob.”

“Jacob Miles, 6’1 green hair, brown eyes. Criminal Clerk. Preferred Fetish: watching ladies eat and gain weight.”

Jacob gulped. He did have green hair. “Okay… Sands… Epstein. 5’10 brain hair, blue eyes, mafia hit man, preferred fetish… walking around in dresses made of human skin.”

Sands laugh. “The mans has jokes! Bingo on the height and eyes by the way.”

“Why am I so calm?”

“It’s the air freshener.” He tapped the tree hanging from his rear view. “Ya wanna know what’s going on? Or do you want to listen to the radio, rider’s choice?”

“What’s going on?”

“Ya sure? The cubs are playing.”

“What’s going on?”

Not missing a beat, Sands launches into it. “I’m driving you to the set of a game show. There your soulmate is waiting for you along with seven other guys. It’s a dating show, see?”

“And you kidnap people for this?”

“Sure do.” Sands braked just as a person fell off the curb in front of his path. “But this isn’t a show you’d see in your world. All eight of you are going to end up with the girl, you’re competing to see who the top dog will be when it’s all over.”

“Like a harem?”

“Now you’re catching on.” Sands gave a cordial wave to the pedestrian as they pulled themselves out of the street.

Jacob tried the door again. “Kind of a bad time for me, my sister is missing.”

“Sorry to hear that bro. I’m actually doing this with my sister, so I know that bond. Hella strong. I’ll look for her while you’re filming. Green hair, brown eyes, sweat pants?”

“That’s her.”

“Should be easy.”

“Just follow the stink lines.” He watched Chicago pass on by. “My soulmate huh?”

“Yes sir.”

“What’s she like?”

“Green hair, brown eyes, stink lines.”

“Haha.”

Sands smiled. “I don’t want to spoil anything. It’s gonna be love at first sight.”

“You do this a lot?”

“First time.”

“Oh, well five stars.”

Sands grinned. “You got my vote as well.” They pulled up to a park. “Here we are.”

"I really have no desire to do this, and somehow I know that I'm going to..." Jacob sighed and tried the door. It opened like it’d been as anxious as he had been. “Okay, stay cool.”

Sands lowered his glasses and gave Jacob a blue-eyed wink. “As an Eskimo’s eyebrow!”

“You look great!” A woman with a clipboard took his hand and lead him behind a curtain. She was the living personification of coffee jitters. Cute blonde hair, though, it was a bun with three separate pencils sticking out of it. “Okay, just walk out to the host, react, and have your seat.”

“Right… I’m a little nervous.”

“You’ll be great. The green hair! Love it! Gives you a gentle look. The audience loves non-threatening boys… and serial killers.”

“Jacob Miles!”

“That’s you!” The PA screamed.

She was right.

Soulmate, here he comes.

He took a step through the curtain.

They appeared to be at a vintage car show. There were rows of old muscle and luxury cars sitting in a field. People were wondering about taking pictures with the beasts. Tents were selling popcorn, corn dogs and soda in glass bottles. Pin-up girls in jean shorts, pumps, and tied-up blouses pointed signs at the stage that read “Harem Hotel!”

Jacob was on that stage. With three others. A pissed-looking guy in jeans and a leather jacket. He had feathery black hair, and a bit of scruff. His chair was a motorcycle. On the front he saw the image of a bunny rabbit cartoon character in the same jacket, leaned up against the same bike. Jacob recognized his sister's art style.

The second was a deeply tan woman with blonde hair, blue eyes, and freckles. She had breasts that indicated her fursona would be a cow, and they were squeezed into a thin white shirt. She was also wearing jeans, shorts, cowgirl boots, hat, and gloves. Her eyes were heavy and lidded. “He might look a little more familiar to ya, huh Laura?” She said with a heavy drawl.

“Laura?” Jacob turned to the third figure.

Green hair,

Brown eyes.

Dirty clothes.

“Aww fuck!”