AI Tony explains it all

"We're on... camera?"

"Turn them off! Right now!"

"Tony, you bastard!"

"I'll throw you into a supernova, you slime!"

"Settle down, girls," said the Stark hologram, watching Wanda's eyes flare red with anger while Carol's hands began to glow. Even Maria Hill looked about ready to throw something. "Just a little compensation for saving the world. Nothing you can do about it, right? Anyway, all the footage is being uploaded to a secure database that only I have access to. Nobody can see it. For now."

"You put me on Youtube! I will end you!"

"Just my little joke, Nebula. I haven't made the clip public. Yet. Be pretty embarrassing if everyone in the whole world saw it, though, right? So maybe you should try being more polite to me."

"You are the vilest creature in..."

"Shut up, Nebula," snapped Maria. "I don't like it any more than you do, but we need Stark. Can't you see he's got us over a barrel? I don't want to have to spend the rest of my career walking around the helicarrier nude."

"Right? So I think I deserve an apology."

"I'd sooner apologise to a dung-worm, you..."

"Spill the beads, Stark. How do we collect your..." Maria sighed. "Five mystical garments? I mean, really? Pepper, I can't believe you actually dated this guy."

"There were... compensations," said Pepper.

"Yeah," said Stark. "I'm really good at sex, if you didn't notice. Hey, Maria, remember that time we had sex?"

"Shut up."

"I made you cum four times? You said I was the best you ever had?"

"Didn't happen. Anyway, fill us in."

"So," said Stark. "There's five Avengers here in this room. Captain Marvel, the Scarlet Witch, Black Widow, the Wasp and Nebula. I propose each of you goes off in search of a different garment. To that end, I'm going to transmit five sets of co-ordinates to Maria's central computer. She and Pepper can stay here and run things from the base."

"Sounds good."

"But you have to earn them."

"That... doesn't sound so good."

"Carol, you go first. Here's your instructions."

"You know," said Carol, conversationally, "I could destroy this whole building and everything in it with a thought."

"But you'd still be naked. Permanently naked, even. You've got a great ass, by the way."

Carol gritted her teeth. Then she stood to attention and offered Stark a stiff salute.

"My name is Captain Carol Danvers of the United States Air ****," she said, "and I hereby salute Tony Stark for being the world's greatest genius and taking all my clothes away. Let the record show that, as a representative of all women in the American armed forces, I love being naked entertainment for men, and I deserve to be undressed and put on display like the silly big-titted bimbo I am. Now, I will sing the national anthem. Oh, say, can you see..."

"Wait," hissed Wanda to Pepper Potts, as a red-faced and furious Carol continued to sing. "Do we really all have to do one of these?"

"Shhh. Don't give him any ideas..."