A double edged sword

You and El head into the house hand in hand, Fiona just a step away in case you faltered. You slip off your shoes and carefully make your way up the stairs. You and El go into your shared room and it suddenly dawns on you that you had an entirely new wardrobe to choose from. Elsie's wardrobe. You were going to ask if she would mind but somehow you just knew she wouldn't. You choose a baggy Totoro nightie off the floor that looked pretty clean and slip it on. You sit on the bed as Elsie gets her night clothes on. It was still early for her but there was no reason not to get changed. She chooses a green nightie for herself.

She sits beside you on the bed and you look at each other. There is a sad look in your eyes.

Elsie carefully puts her arm around you. "I know. I know. I want to too." She responds to your unspoken regret. "We'll have plenty of time later."

You were just too tired. If you had sex right now you would surely pass out in the middle of it. You feel in your heart and see in her loving eyes Elsie's humble gratitude for you wanting her to be your first.

"It couldn't be anyone else." You respond to her unspoken feelings. You then say. "I love you El."

You lean into each other. "I love you Jesse." She responds in a whisper.

What might have been a big moment, your big reveal of your true feelings for each other, now just seemed as natural as breathing air. You knew how she felt for you and she knew how you felt for her. Like in your strange dream the other night Elsie was there inside you. You also both knew what was happening between you since your transformation wasn't normal but neither of you cared. It just felt right.

There is a light knock on the door. "Come in." You both say in unison.

It was your mother. You see her pause to try to distinguish one from the other. You give her a weak smile to help her along. Her eyes focus on you. She smiles back warmly. Her face was kind and maternal, you don't see a hint of the constant wanton attraction she had for you before when you were cross dressing. She was going to miss that little tushy you used to have. God she was one strange woman.

"Let's get you to bed my girl." She says softly.

You nod and turn to get into bed.

"No. You'll sleep with me again tonight Jesse. I want to be there in case anything happens. Come on, I'll tuck you in." She steps forward and offers you her hand.

She wanted you to leave the room? You feel an intense anxiety rise in your chest. You are gripped with a strange sort of dread. Your eyes shoot to your sister who you could tell was also feeling it. You stammer. "Um...I don't want...but..." You didn't want to hurt your mother's feelings but you sure as hell didn't want to leave either.

Your mother takes your hand and helps you to your feet. "My goodness, you're so tired. Come on my girl." She takes you around the waist and begins leading you out the door. You crane your head around and see El sitting on the bed watching you go. She is looking at you with a pained expression, she reaches out for you. Your mom closes the door as you make it to the hallway and you gasp. As the door closes it is the first moment you and El had been separated since you had woken up. It felt like you were being torn in two. You almost collapse but your mother holds you up.

Your mother holds you close. "Oh my God. Your shaking. What's wrong Jesse?"

You whimper. "I don't know but...Elsie..."

"Come on, lets get you in bed." She says. "If you're not better by the morning I'll call Peg and the doctor."

You want to run back but you have no strength to struggle. Your are lead to your mother's comfortable bed and tucked in under the heavy blankets, you are almost pinned to the bed by them in your weakened condition. Struggle as you might you just cannot hold the tears back.

"Shhh." Your mother strokes your hair. "Shhh, it's okay. You've had a big day. Shhhh, it's okay sweetie. Just go to sleep."

You weep. "Mom...I want Elsie..."

She looks at you concerned. "She's just in the next room sweetie. Settle down, it's okay."

Your breathing is picking up. The anxiety you felt building before was now peaking. You felt panicked, scared, alone. Incomplete. It was like nothing you'd felt before. You **** yourself to say as calmly as you could manage. "Please...I'll sleep better..." Your false calm breaks as you beg the last word. "...PLEASE!" Tears continue to stream down your cheeks.

Your mother is worried by this obviously abnormal behavior. "Shhh, okay, okay. Settle down please. I'll go get her okay?"

You nod rapidly. She gets up and leaves the room. Your eyes dart back and forth and you pull your covers up. The room seemed so empty and strangely foreboding all of a sudden. Nothing was right.

El bursts into the room at a sprint and jumps onto the bed beside you. She takes you in her arms and you hug her back. You clutch at each other desperately. Both of you let out a long sigh of relief. After just a few moments the anxiety had melted away and all was right with the world once more.

Your mother comes back in. Concern etched across her face. "Okay, you two can sleep with me tonight." She says uneasily. "What is going on with..." She trails off.

"Thank you Mom!" You say with a happy grin. She just looks at you with worry.

Your mom makes sure you are comfortable as El gets under the covers and snuggles in beside you. Your mom says. "I'll be in bed in a couple hours. Just call out if you need me for anything. Anything at all." You nod and thank her for everything.

You and El snuggle together, holding each other as close as possible. You were both thinking the same thing. Whatever was happening between you was apparently a double edged sword. On one hand you could sense things from each other to an uncanny degree, this would surely have its advantages. And beyond that the wonderful feeling of when you were together was just pure contentment. On the other hand the gripping panic that consumed you at being separated was...unnerving. You each still had lives to lead, this was something that would have to be dealt with and managed.

But not tonight.

With El in your arms, in the body you'd always wanted, in the soft warm bed of your mom, the familiar sounds and smells of home around you...you were so very happy in this moment. And so very very tired. Within a few short minutes you are fading. Your sister just holds you and lets you drift off to sleep.