Enlist the Help of Your Dirtbag Roommate

You're going to need equipment, costumes, lighting and a good camera. You've got a laptop to do the web design and editing the video. It seems like no big deal, but it turns out a goat milker costs almost 1500 dollars and an HD camera that will shoot video better than your phone is at least 600 more. You pick out some costumes, like cowgirl costumes and, well, cow girl costumes, and by the time you're picking up the stand-up lights you are out almost three grand. Which is a shitload more than you expected.

You're not even sure where to begin with the hormones. You're doing some research on the Internet when you hear your apartment door open and close and then the door to your roommate's bedroom slam shut.

You've been living with Todd for a while and you would hate him if he didn't always pay rent on time and occasionally share some righteous weed with you. As far as you can tell he either has super rich parents, is a **** dealer, or maybe both. He definitely doesn't seem to be taking classes or working at a real job.

Then it hits you: Todd's money and shady lifestyle might be the final piece of the puzzle you need. He even has a van if you needed to haul around equipment. You have to knock on his door for a full minute to get him to respond. He opens the door, goateed and bleary-eyed, as a cloud of weed smoke hits you.

"Ohhh, hey, bro," he says. "Did you want to smoke up?"

"Actually... fuck it, yeah. I've gotta talk to you about something, but let's smoke up first." You sit down on the couch crammed into his bedroom and pass his bong back and forth until your head is spinning. You let Todd in on the story with the backpack, the breast pumps, and your business arrangement with Jess and Heidi, spilling more than you would have if you weren't baked half way out of your mind. Todd seems to love the story and see the possibilities, so as you get to the end of relating how much money you're spending, you make the pitch. "I need hormones for them. I've bought everything else, but I am tapped out and I don't know where to get something like that."

"Ohhh, bro," says Todd, "I could get you all sorts of stuff. I got this buddy, Rigby, who works security at the hospital. He lets me in to steal whatever I want as long as I give him a taste. All I gotta do is figure out what you need on the Internet, go in there, steal it and steal some oxy or something to give to Rigby. Done and done."

"That's fucking awesome, man. I knew I could count on you." Actually, you've never been able to count on Todd. He rarely does what he promises and other than paying rent he is usually a letdown.

"Well, like, what are bros for? But quick question. What do I get? Like... a BJ or something from them?"

You furrow your brow. You haven't even had a taste yet, you're not going to be passing it out for Todd. And you're tapped for money. What could you offer him?

"Cameraman," you blurt. "I need a, uh, cameraman to shoot all the video stuff. I was going to shoot it myself, but I'm more of a director. But if you could be the cameraman then you would get to see all sorts of action."

"Like they'd fuck me?" he asks.

"Maybe. Hell, I don't know. My plan is to find some more girls into this and have a whole bunch doing videos. Once they're used to having you around it'll be on all the time."

"Alright man." Todd sticks out his hand and you shake on it. "Deal. I'll get you that stuff tomorrow."

True to his word, Todd shows up at the apartment the next day with a grocery bag full of pills and injectors. He has a hormone they can take to keep their breasts lactating and then a booster shot that will increase their milk flow. He also has a cream for udders that supposedly makes them more sensitive.

"Why would you want 'em more sensitive?"

"It's for cows, I don't know. I'm not even sure why they had it at the hospital. Maybe it gives them boob orgasms or something."

"Oh, yeah," you laugh, "I think I saw that in the Physician's Desk Reference. Boob orgasms."

It's Thursday, and you're almost done with the bare bones for your Udder Ecstasy website, complete with a mooing cow. But to launch, you need content, which means your first shoot with Jessica and Heidi. You make another note for their door and set the time at midnight on Friday. You and Todd load up his van with your equipment and head out to the barn. You set up the lights and the camera, but keep the goat milker hidden for now. No point scaring them off with the big machinery.

"It's almost quarter after, bro," says Todd, checking his phone. "You sure they're coming?"

As if on cue, you hear tires on the drive outside.