Villain swap

Lois was used to trouble. Living in Metropolis and being the first port of call for every wannabe villain who wanted to get on Superman did that. Still, it was normally more subtle than a hood suddenly being thrust over her head while she walked to work, and being wrenched into a van.

When she awoke, she was in… she wasn’t sure where. That might have been the point. It might have been a warehouse, a large open space with… something set out in front of and all around her, like some kind of collapsed frame.

She took a step forward, still woozy, and bumped into a glass wall. She jumped back.

“Lookie! Sleeping beauty’s up and at `em!”

She rubbed her eyes, turning to the source of the voice, and stiffened. It wasn’t a woman she’d met before, but the look of her was distinctive; she had pale skin and dyed multicolour hair, currently with red and blue pigtails.

And if Harley Quinn was here, then…

“Finally. Watching her sleep was so, so boring,” said a voice that sent a chill down Lois’s spine.

Stepping out of the shadows was a figure a little paler than Harley, striking green hair completing the look. Lois took a step back, then another, and bumped into a glass wall behind her.

She jumped. Refocusing now, she looked around; there were walls all around her. She wasn’t entirely sure how they’d gotten her in, not yet at least, but for now it looked like she was trapped.

“What do you want?” Lois said. She refused to let her voice shake.” “Aren’t you meant to be in Gotham?”

The Joker laughed.

Lois tried not to react. Ok, he was a bigger name than the usual lowlife that tried it on, but even so…

Then she took in the sight of the warehouse. The odd frame on the ground had a familiar, sick green glow to it. Lois’s eyes widened.

“Funny thing about Gotham,” the Joker said. “There’s a guy there who always spoils our fun. Why would anyone stay there? Bluer pastures and all that.”

“Superman will-”

“Oh I hope he tries,” the Joker said, his grin getting all the wider. “Why don’t you call him? Let’s see.”

Lois faltered. The Joker leaned in expectantly; Harley stayed standing by his side, her smile a mere echo of his own. It was a long few seconds of silence before the Joker scowled.

Yelling for Clark would normally be one of her first responses, but not if he apparently wanted it. No effort to gag her, the set-up all around her, the fact he was a well-known villain… it all added up to a situation that was a clear trap.

A trap, with her as the bait. But only if he heard her calling.

“Why does no one ever want to help me?” he said. “Is it the face? Do I just not look like someone who needs a little charity now and again?”

“Mostly you just look like an ugly son of a bitch who really needs help,” Lois said.

In the blink of an eye, there was suddenly a knife in the Joker’s hand. Lois couldn’t help but take a step back again; he was grinning again.

“See,” he said, “If you aren’t going to call him like a good little girl, the only other option’s to have you scream. I’m sure he’ll hear that. Don’t you think?”

“Really?” Lois said. She steadied herself. “Thought you were a big deal, but you’re just threatening like every other crook out there?”

“?” he said.

He paused, then looked at the knife in his hand as if he were surprised that it was there. He shrugged and dismissively threw it back over his shoulder. Harley sidestepped to avoid it as it buried itself in the wall behind her.

“Oh, no, no, no,” he said. “Any two-bit thug with a potato peeler could make you scream in pain, where’s the fun in that? What's the point of anything if it isn't funny? I’m thinking something different. Harley!”

“Right away Mistah J!”

Lois nervously glanced away from the mad clown, to see Harley hurry to a fairly large canister. Lois’s eyes widened as she took in the tube leading from it, to the floor under her feet at the bottom of her see-through cage.

She took in a deep breath, not sure of what to expect. Then she felt a sudden, momentary puff of air from below her.

She was wearing a fairly smart pantsuit for work, a crisp white shirt with a black waistcoat and pants. And then she wasn’t, her outfit suddenly fizzing and crackling, before it simply dripped off of her body without leaving so much as a smear, leaving her in nothing but matching black underwear.

Lois almost squealed, hastily slapping her hands to her mouth to keep from making a sound. She didn’t want to lure Superman into a trap!

Even if she was now in nothing but a bra and panties. Even her shoes were gone, the sludge on the floor that was all that remained of her outfit bubbling and evaporating already.

What the hell was that gas?! Lois muffled a whimper, both hands still on her mouth.

She stood there for a long, humiliating few seconds as the Joker stared expectantly. He tilted his head after a little while longer, then sighed.

“Nothing?” he said. “Not even a little peep? Harley always shrieked the first dozen times I tested it on her….”

“Toldja I’m better than her,” Harley said, bounding back up.

The Joker sighed. Lois stared defiantly back, legs a little more unsteady now, trying to ignore the rising heat in her cheeks. After a few seconds she lowered her hands, crossing her arms over her cleavage-exposing bra.

She tried to ignore how the cool air of the warehouse felt, settling against far more skin than she wanted out in the open.

“Next dose!” the Joker declared suddenly.

Lois’s eyes widened. If the first puff had gotten rid of her whole outfit, her underwear didn’t stand a chance! She turned, and watched as in a matter of seconds Harley had skipped back to the canister, and felt the rush of gas again, knowing that she was about to be rendered completely exposed in front of the two crazy supervillains.