The Poop Cafe

As you grab some toiletries from your bathroom (toothbrush - check, antiperspirant - check, small jar of the styling putty you use on your hair - check) and put it all in a small travel bag Jayne is in your living room talking.

“So what colour is your new couch? Or is it a surprise?”

Laughing, you toss the travel bag into your backpack along with a change of clothes and a box of condoms from your dresser. “I got it in plain grey. I think it has a Swedish name but it probably translates to ‘generic bachelor apartment colour #2’ I bet.”

With your bag packed you try to think of anything you missed. Nothing comes to mind and really, it’s not like you’re embarking on a trip around the world. As long as you have clean clothes to wear to work tomorrow you’ll be fine. Walking out of your bedroom, you see Jayne looking at her phone.

“Heh. Well, Karissa messaged me, she wants to know if we are still good to meet up to talk about what she is calling ‘the computer’. I said of course so she said she has a place nearby she really wanted to check out but hasn’t, so I told her it would be great because you’ve talked about it before.” Jayne’s satisfied smile and merry eyes are a warning. A very pretty, sexy, adorable warning.

“Sure thing,” you say suspiciously, “and where did she say she wanted to meet us?”

“Hello, and welcome to the Poop Cafe!” The hostess greets you with a cheerful smile, “Please, sit anywhere and your server will be with you shortly.”

Jayne is looking around and you hear her mutter, “Oh my lord.” You quite agree. The Poop Cafe is, well, a poop themed Asian dessert restaurant. It’s location about a block from Bathurst Health means that you see it all the time and Jayne has long jokingly asked you if you want to have lunch there. No. No you never did.

“Hi guys!” You see Karissa sitting at one of the tables, waving. The seats are all, sweet baby Jesus, old porcelain toilets with soft seat covers adorned with the poop emoji. The walls are covered in cutesy, vaguely Asian, poop art and sayings.

Giggling to herself, Jayne grabs your hand and drags you into the loud restaurant. It’s half full of families with small children, loving the poo vibe, and tourists taking pics for social media holding poop shaped desserts. As you walk by a table a boy of about 7 years old is howling with laughter at the soft serve chocolate ice cream he has been served, it’s shaped like, yes, a pile of shit with some eyes and a mouth on it made of icing.

Karissa is wide eyed and shaking her head when you and Jayne sit. “Oh my god! I’ve never been here before but always wanted to! It’s so tacky and silly I kind of love it and hate it exactly the same amount! Thank you both for coming to meet me here, I had assumed we’d just get a drink at one of the bars nearby but then I remembered this place. I hope you don’t mind, it’s only 5 o’clock and I wanted to have bubble tea more than I wanted a wine spritzer.”

Jayne is clearly enjoying your pained expression, so she laughs and replies, “Oh it’s our pleasure Karissa. Zach and I have talked about this place a lot too but we’ve never been.”

You’re spared having to give an opinion about your meeting place when your server comes. Karissa orders a bubble tea, Jayne a milkshake and you, **** for anything that doesn’t look totally weird, order a coffee float. As she leaves you notice that waters are served in large mugs shaped like urinals. You may never forgive Karissa for suggesting this, or Jayne for agreeing.

Karissa is smiling at you both, and you notice a confident, almost serene look when she says, “Before we really get into it I want to thank you both. For showing me the affection computer, and trusting me to decide for myself what to do. The easiest thing in the world would have been to just delete me or whatever and hope for the best. That would have been way easier than explaining all that craziness! But you didn’t, and you let me think about it. So, thanks.”

“I’m very happy you think that way Karissa,” you reply as Jayne nods, “and thanks for having an open mind and actually believing us.”

“I do believe you both. Implicitly. Which is why, first of all, I don’t want you to do anything with regards to me and the computer.”

The fact that the young clerk had not instantly demanded to be made dormant in TAM meant you had considered this possibility, but you’re still surprised to hear her say it. Jayne must be too, because she slowly nods and says, “Of course, we respect your wishes Karissa. But if at any point you change your mind, or want to just try something, we’ll do whatever you want naturally.”

With a cheerful nod, Karissa says, “I know you will, which is why I can make this decision. I don’t like the thought that my feelings were being improved or altered, and I guess Zach told you about my little test with Alice today?”

“Yeah, he told me,” Jayne agrees, “and we need to talk about Alice for sure. Or I need to kick her ass, but that’s for later. Zach said your scores barely changed, and you may have figured out how to limit it’s influence?”

“Well, I guess we can’t know. Like Zach guessed, just knowing about the influence maybe lowers the impact of it, but I feel like my half-assed nude meditation was part of it too. Like, just focusing on my thoughts carefully as I debated what to do with you two, while knowing about the affection app, seemed to make a difference. I truly believe it did, I may be just convincing myself because I want to believe it but I could swear while I was meditating I was aware of what the computer was doing and was able to accept it. I let it wash over me but remained unchanged, like a stone at the bottom of the river, the current was an inescapable fact of my existence but I was able to still be me after recognizing it’s effect.”

In the small silence after her speech, you quietly say, “That’s incredible Karissa. And beautifully put.”

Turning to your girlfriend, you are about to ask for her opinion when she frowns slightly and says, “Nude meditation?”

“Oh, it just felt more spiritual somehow. Like I told Zach, it was a bit annoying when my mom walked in on me sitting there, naked, staring at a candle but I just joked it was sex demon stuff.”

Now Jayne it looking at you, “Ah, Zach never mentioned the nakedness. Or the sex demons?”

With a straight face you say, “It was hardly the point of the story, was it?”

“I guess not.” You can tell Jayne is not actually annoyed, but you’re not surprised that she focused on the whole ‘sexy young woman telling you about her nude hobby’ aspect. Time to get this back on track.

“Karissa,” you say, “you mentioned that not making you dormant was the first thing. Was there something else, or did you just mean about Alice having a very low negative score for me for some reason?”

For the first time, you notice Karissa take a deep breath, as if to steady her nerves. “We have some stuff to talk about with the computer program, and I think it’s important we understand why Alice hates you so much, but that’s not the other thing I wanted to talk to you guys about.”

Pausing, she suddenly looks down at her hands, then looks away from you both. Whatever she has on her mind is clearly weighing heavily on her, and when she starts wringing her hands sitting on the table in front of her Jayne slowly reaches out and takes them in her hand.

With a start, Karissa looks up. Jayne has a warm, sympathetic smile and pats her hands gently and says, “It’s alright Karissa. Whatever you want to tell us, or not tell us, is entirely up to you.”

Her cheeks suddenly pink, Karissa looks at Jayne and then you. She takes a final shaky breath and then smiles.

“I want to ask you two out. On a date. With me. So, uh, the three of us. I know this might be very unusual and seem crazy or even unnatural to you and if that’s the case I apologize and I’ll never bring it up again! I truly like you both so much, I never would want to lose your friendship! But... I like you both so much, I want to see you. Romantically. Like a date, you know. But both of you. Not just, I want to go on a nice dinner date with Zach, and I want to go to a club and party with Jayne, but I want to do those things with Zach and Jayne. I see you two together and it made me realize that it’s exactly what I want. You guys are exactly what I want.”

Chuckling nervously, the young woman continues, “So, what do you guys think? Want to go out with me?”