Talking Dick

Dave walked into the empty house and followed the same routine he had for the last week after getting home from high school. Unzipping his baggy pants and letting them fall to the floor he bent down and put the used ice pack he had hidden in the crotch of his pants back into the freezer so he could use it again the next day. Now while most dicks would be shriveled to the point of non existence after being in contact with ice for eight hours, David's looked like it was simply soft. However, once the ice was removed and it had contact with the warm air it started to grow, and grow, and grow. When it reached fourteen inches in length it did something no human dick in the entire history of humanity did, it yawned.

"Congratulations on not giving me frostbite," said Dave's dick as it began to move around on its own, like a snake or turtle head.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," said Dave as he started to make dinner. "I still think my parents are going to cut you off when they get back tomorrow."

The dick shook itself from side to side in the same way a person would shake their head in despair. "You've used me to masterbate a grand total of three times in your life, your parents neutered you years ago."

"They just want to make sure I save myself for marriage like my sister is. Just because I'm a boy doesn't mean I can ignore God's commandments about sex outside marriage," Dave said even though he could hear the echo of his mother saying those exact words to him countless times, before he even began to notice girls. With how active both is parents were in their church, it made sense that they'd make sure their only son lived a pure life and didn't mess it up going too far with a girl. Right?

"We both saw their marriage licence. They've been married for 19 years, and your big sister is 20. I know you aren't a straight A student, but your not that bad at math."

Dave didn't respond, how could he? He knew his parents weren't perfect, that while they preached tolerance about the color of skin or someone's sexual orientation, it didn't extend to mutants. While he didn't think his parents went out to kill mutants in the name of God like those Purifier nutjobs, he had seen his father give a hint of a smile every time a news story about them came on.

As he waited for the frozen pizza to bake Dave went to his room and checked his go bag one last time. It had clothes, some energy bars, and the emergency cash his parents had kept in their safe. Tomorrow his mom and dad would come home from their second honeymoon, and he'd tell them he was a mutant with a talking dick. It would be great if they could still love him, but he'd read too many stories online about kids being kicked out for being mutants not to prepare if things went bad.

"You know, if I'm going to be cut off tomorrow all the more reason to use me today. I can feel all the pussy in your school even when you put me to sleep, and I know I can help you get laid. Just walk out without the ice pack, let me chat up some of them so I can give them and you the night of your lives. Hell, go next door and visit the single MILF that lives there. The slut already got herself knocked up once, so no one will even look at you if it happens again."