Searching For Motive

I arrive at my bedroom. I only have one thing to do, think about what I want in life. I just keep running in circles though, I’m not ready to experience such a sudden change in my life. I don’t even know what to think about, but I try to compose myself, and reflect a little bit more on my life -- but hopefully it won’t take too long like last time.

I first need to find out what I want to do, what’s my motive here. That’s of course easier said than done, so I have to put a lot more thought into it, but being careful not to fall in an existential crisis again - Maybe I need to look back at some memories, I don’t know, maybe thinking about my life some more could help. So as I begin to talk to myself, I try to focus on my goals, achievements, and what I want to be in life. I not only have to look at the past, but also the future -- which I’ve never been good at, but I have to try, for mommy.

What do I want to be in life? Who do I want to become?? Are there things I can improve about myself? Of course there are… But what do I want to do? Do I really need to change?... What should I do to become the person I want to be?... Damn, I don’t even know what I want to be, what I want to study, or what are my goals… What is wrong with me? - I begin asking myself in frustration. It’s a lot more difficult to figure out who I want to be when I don’t even know what I am right now, what are my strengths, my weaknesses, and in what I shine the most in this life.

I wish I could just go to sleep right now, but I need to form some sort of long term plan for my future. I did have that sort of plan before, but then we moved out to a new city, so I’m pretty much completely lost now. I really don’t know what I can do with this new life, so I don’t have any expectations for my future, and that’s the problem - I guess I just have to focus on things I’ve always wanted… It doesn’t matter if they don’t seem possible at the moment, I still have to try to achieve them.

So as I clearly can’t tell what my future will be in this new city, I can only imagine what I want it to be - Yea, that’s right, I want to have a perfect life… But what is that perfect life?. I start thinking about any possible idea for the future, just trying to come up with everything I could do with my life, and then only keeping the ones that I actually like. So even though it takes time, I end up thinking of every job, every type of lifestyle, every single outcome I can think of, and I have finally narrowed down my expectations to a few -- and although I’m sure I’m leaving out a lot of ideas, this is all I can think of right now.

I have actually liked the idea of going to college, just so I can make myself feel proud, and also make my mother proud. I stopped desiring the idea of a higher education when I got older, but this is the best time to start reconsidering it. And while college does seem awful, this idea mom told me about early sounds really nice. I feel like I could have a lot of fun in a highschool type college. I still don’t know how it would work, but it sounds interesting - I’m definitely going to keep that in mind…

I also really like the idea of falling in love, and starting a family. I want to keep a lot of people close to me, and have a beautiful wife I can love, and have a couple babies with. This seemed like the ideal future for me last year, but a lot of things have changed since then. I pretty much have to start from zero in this new city. I need to meet new people first, so I can then form friendships, meet a cute girl I can talk to, build up a relationship, and then propose to her and pray she says yes - That actually sounds more complicated than it should… I hope I don’t struggle to do that, but I’ll keep it in mind as well.

Lastly, I do want a job. I don’t know, I don’t want to work, and I’m pretty sure no one wants to, but if I’m going to have a wife and family to take care of, I definitely need a way to provide for them. I want to be a good man, husband, and father, and that seems impossible without a reliable way to earn money. So as this ties up with the two other ideas, I think I will need to work someday -- even though I don’t want to.

Alright, so I guess those are the ones that stick out the most, let’s see if I really want to pursue all those goals... But wait, what did dad want me to do? - I ask myself, before I remember that dad always told me to create my own future, or build my own destiny. It was something along those lines, but he was also supportive for everything I did, so I’m sure I could make him proud with any decision I made. Of course, it would be best if I took some good decisions, and I have a lot to choose from.

So what do I want?... I want to meet new people, explore the city even more to see what other fun things await me… I want to visit every location and live her for a long time… I need a girlfriend, I want to go out on thousands of dates, then plant a baby in her womb, marry her, get a family, and continue life raising my kids and grandkids… That should be it in terms of personal goals - I tell myself, and confirm my doubts of finding love, and wanting to have a family. I still don’t know if I will be able to do that, so I just have to wait and see, but I now know that I do want to have all of that -- but there are also a few things I want as well.

Of course, to be able to achieve all of that I do need education… That school seems pretty cool, I would actually like to go there, and hopefully I can pass all the years and graduate… I don’t really know what career to pursue though, or what kind of job I can get… I do want to work hard for my money, and I hope I can make millions, buy a car, a house, pay my mom for being such an awesome mother and taking care of me for all these years… Yea, that’s what I want… - I continue thinking, slowly building up more determination, and even confidence, as I’m learning more about my life goals. I’m certain this part of my life will probably be the hardest, but I’m also sure it’s the one dad would be the most proud of. He was very hardworking, so I think he would always motivate me to be like him, or at least work hard for my success as well, so I definitely need to work -- maybe not build a company like him, but still be my own boss, and provide for my family with all that money.

Alright, that’s pretty much it… Maybe I could work on my friendship with Annie, try to help mom around the house a bit more, and just try to keep our small family together, and as healthy as possible… I mean, we are only the three of us now, so I can’t afford to lose either of them… Even if my sister is a bitch, I have to consider her as part of my life… And who knows, maybe I can change her attitude somehow… I don’t know, it might be difficult, but I’m sure I will come up with something later - I think to myself, now focusing a bit more on my family. I realize that I actually don’t have many life goals involving my family, at least not my sister and mother, so I’m not going to worry about that right now -- unless something significant happens to any of them, I don’t think I will be thinking much about my family.

But as it feels like I already figured out all I wanted, I start thinking a bit more of my sister, and the incident from yesterday. I start thinking about sex, but that leads me to remember something else, which might be the last topic I can think of -- and as weird as it is to have this as a life goal, I do think it will be a big part of my life.

This city is famous for the traditions and activities that take place here, specially in August... right?... Maybe I can get lucky and meet a couple girls, fuck around a little… it’s been so long… I just want to have some fun, and I’m sure I can do that in this city… I mean, the month of August seems like the perfect time to meet new people, take them to a motel, and knock them up… Oh damn, I’m getting too horny, aren’t I?... Well, I might have to calm down a little and think some more - I ask myself, but try not to let my lust take over me. I know that I will focus a lot on sex, because that’s just what I do, but I don’t want it being such a significant part of my life. I don’t even know I’m going to get lucky, or if I’m going to find the girl of my dreams soon -- but I do look forward to having sex again, and maybe experiencing true love in this city.

But yea, that’s still a great idea… I could take advantage of the school I’m going to be in and meet some girls my age there… I need to work on my seductive tactics, I don’t know how to talk with girls anymore… But I’m sure I could get a girlfriend or two if I really try to commit to relationships and all that stuff… Maybe I could even get every girl to have sex with me and become the new Jordan Pimpson of this city and get thousands of girls pregnant… Yea, that’s too much, but it still sounds nice… - I tell myself, leaning too much into the whole sex thing, and making myself hornier than I should. This is supposed to be a serious moment of self reflection, and I’m getting distracted with my sexual fantasies, or my fetish of impregnation -- which I’m not ashamed of, it’s just natural reproductive instincts wanting to procreate.

But anyway, I think I finally know what I have to do. I know what I want now, and there’s no time to mess around. I stop thinking about what I want, so I can think a bit more of what I want. But I not only think about it, I promise myself that I will achieve everything that I set my mind into. So as I can’t think of anything else I can do with my life, I finally come to a conclusion of what I want in this new city - I’m sure it won’t turn out exactly like I imagined right now, but I’m still expecting to at least enjoy trying to reach these goals...