First Night Of Regret

Yea, I haven’t talked to them in a while, I should probably see if we can share a nice dinner and talk a little… but knowing my sister, she won’t even eat anything… - I think to myself, as I’m already walking down the stairs, and heading to the kitchen. It takes me a while to find my way around this new house, because it is laid out very oddly, but there’s only one light turned on, and I assume it’s the one from the kitchen, so I walk toward it.

I enter the kitchen, and I’m surprised to see that not only mom has made dinner in such a short amount of time, but that my sister is already here, waiting to eat something - I guess she was hungry after such a long ride… I have to be honest, I am too, hopefully there’s enough food for the three of us. I walk to the counter, because we don’t even have tables or chairs yet, so we have to eat standing. Mom is serving food to my sister, but then notices me, and I can tell she knows I’m not so optimistic about this new house -- even when it seems to have a lot of space for furniture, and looks great for having parties.

“What do you think, kids? Isn’t it great to finally be here??... Of course we don’t have much yet, but at least we can share a peaceful dinner together, right?” - mom asks my sister and I, with her usual cheerful tone, but she isn’t able to cheer me up anytime soon. My sister doesn’t even pay attention to her, as she is already eating the tacos mom has served us, but I do have something to say, so I don’t hesitate to reply to mom’s questions -- even when I don’t have anything nice to say.

“Mom… When can we go back? I really don’t want to be here…” - I reply, and bring up the thought I have told mom about dozens of times these past weeks. She never wants to hear about my pessimistic thoughts, and even though this is another one of them, she takes her time to give me an answer.

“I know it is tough, but I’m really trying here…” - mom says, gaining some pity from me, and probably even from my sister.

“We didn’t really have a choice, we have to move on, and that’s why I chose this city to start a new life” - she continues, making a lot of sense, but still not convincing me, because her decision to move out still seems very abrupt.

“After losing your father… I-I really couldn’t live a normal life… and I know how much it has affected you… But we have to be strong, and continue together… because that’s what he would have wanted…” - mom explains, on the verge of tears, as I can tell just mentioning dad can make her cry, and I don’t want that to happen -- but I also don’t know how to comfort her, or what to say to make her feel better, so I just stay quiet.

A long, uncomfortable silence fills the room. Neither my sister and I are able to say anything, and I don’t think she even cares. Our mother is clearly distressed, and sadly, since we can’t do anything to comfort her, she has to excuse herself out of the kitchen, and goes to her bedroom, where I assume she is going to cry the whole night long.

After an awkward moment, I’m left alone with my sister in the room. I want to tell her that we should do something to make mom feel better, and at least show some empathy, but she just walks out of the kitchen as well - What a shame, she doesn’t care about mom… I mean, maybe she doesn’t know what to say, but it is still rude. And while I’m now the only one able to talk with mom, I am just not in the best of moods to comfort someone else, and I even think I need to comfort myself.

So since there is nothing I can do to talk to my mother, or if I do I might make things worse, I just walk back upstairs. On my way to my bedroom, I hear some sobbing coming from mom’s room, and it genuinely makes me feel terrible, because I know some of those tears are probably caused by me. I can’t support her in a moment like this, not even if I try, and I really want to, I just don’t know how.

Seeing my mother like that clearly affects me, and even makes me tear up as well. But as I reach my bedroom, I lie down on my bed, and think a little - She is definitely going through a lot right now, but I really shouldn't get in the way... I'm sure all of this is going to be ok soon, and we only need a couple of weeks to adapt to this new place… I hope. I really can’t tell if that’s going to be the case, and since I don’t think this is the best time to sleep, one thought remains in my head, and concerns me more every second - Everything is going to be alright, right??

Clearly, I am thinking too much about this situation, but I just can’t help it. I know I have to clear my mind before I go to rest, or else I would probably have nightmares or something, and I’m sure that wouldn’t be nice. I even look at my phone, trying to distract myself with some videos, or even just watch porn, jerk off quickly, and have a nice sleep, but there are too many concerning thoughts in my mind right now, so I know I have to address them.

So even though it seems pointless, and I’m definitely just thinking about this way too much, I start to question every single element of my life, trying to find the reason of my existence, and even going in an unnecessary introspection, to hopefully clear my worries -- and all because I still can’t believe I have abandoned my great old life...