Elixir of Cupid

“This, my friend, is Elixir of Cupid,” answered Xabar, proudly.

Hager raises his eyebrows in surprise and took the tiny bottle in his hands. “Seriously? How could you afford that? This stuff is extremely rare. You didn’t steal it, did you?”

“Hager, you wound me. I bought this openly and honestly. Incidentally, I found your credit card laying around, and I picked it up so no one would run off with it.”

“My credit card? My dad gave me that for emergencies. I keep it in my footlocker. Where did you find it?”

“I can’t remember right now. Perhaps it was in a footlocker. That’s beside the point. And when you see a charge on the statement from Honest Igor’s Discount Miscellany Shop, just know that I’ll pay you back.”

Hager gave his friend a skeptical look. “You bought Elixir of Cupid from that place? You probably got ripped off. Look at this — Cupid pheromones are rose-colored. This stuff is transparent, like water.”

“That just speaks to its purity. And it’s a generic prescription — same stuff, but without all those unnecessary pharmaceutical company price markups. And how can you suggest I got ripped off? I bought it from a guy named ‘Honest Igor.’ I’m pretty sure he can’t call himself ‘honest’ unless he really is. That would be — I dunno — dishonest.”

Hager hands the bottle back to Xabar. “I was just reading about Elixir of Cupid. It’s one of the most powerful love potions in existence, and it’s incredibly rare — and highly illegal. You do know there are laws that regulate the use of love potions, don’t you?”

Xabar held the bottle to the light and examined the contents. “You call them ‘laws.’ I prefer to think of them more like ‘suggestions.’ You know... optional things such as ‘Dry Clean Only,’ ‘Wait 30 minutes after eating to swim,’ or ‘Please don’t cum in my mouth.’”

“Well, suppose this stuff is real and that you didn’t just pay a lot of my money for a few drops of tap water.... What do you think you are going to do with it? You’ve already mastered the Seduction Spell; why mess with love potion?”

Xabar smiled at his friend. “Because I’m not the one who’s going to use it. It’s for you.”

Hager looks at Xabar for a moment, trying to put the pieces together. Realization dawns on his face. “Wait a minute! I’m not going to use this stuff on Monica, just so you can break into Professor Riggins’ office! That would be so wrong to use her that way, and besides, I want to win her heart the old-fashioned way, with charm and personality.”

“Hager, you’ve been trying to use your charm and personality with her since our freshman year, and the closest you’ve gotten to exchanging bodily fluids with her was when you got sick in anatomy class and threw up on her backpack. Look, you graduate in just a few days, and who knows when you will ever see her again. All the Elixir will do is make her want to spend time with you, and then she’ll have **** but to experience your charm and personality. You don’t have to make her do anything degrading — just expose her to the thrill ride of your personality, and she’ll fall naturally and hopelessly in love with you.”

This catches Hager’s attention, and he ponders his friend’s words.

“Of course,” continues Xabar, “she’ll also be incredibly turned on toward you, so you might as well get your rocks off and bang her a few times while you can. In my experience, nothing says ‘charm’ and ‘personality’ better than a good old-fashioned, bed-banging orgasm, but then again, I’m just an old romantic fool.”

Hager scowls. “But how do we even know if that stuff works? It really doesn’t look like the Elixir of Cupid that is described in the books. Shouldn’t we test it first?”

“There’s not a lot in here,” replied Xabar, “and the effects don’t last super long. The target has to be exposed to the scent almost immediately, or it gets wasted. Besides, how would we test it? You want me to splash some on you and see if I want to ravish your body? I’m pretty sure that even if I drank a smoothie made of freshly-squeezed Cupid testicles, that wouldn’t do the trick. No offense, man. I mean, I’ve seen you naked, and you’re not bad, but I’m just not attracted to you. It’s not you — it’s me. No, wait... it is you, ‘cuz you’re a bloke!”

“I’m not talking about that, Xabar! Of course I don’t want to have sex with you!”

Xabar looks offended. “Why? What’s wrong with me? It’s my calf muscles, isn’t it? I’ve never been happy with them...”

“Just shut up! You are getting me all confused! Now, where were we? Oh yeah.... the Elixir.... How can we even know it’s going to work?”