Don’t fall for it

“Oh no you don’t!” says Alex, instantly seeing through Elaine’s suggestion. “Can you focus for one second on something other than sex? We have a serious situation going on here.”

Elaine expresses an impatient sigh and rolls her eyes. “Oh very well.... If you must talk, let’s have at it.”

Looking quickly out the window to confirm that no one is yet approaching, Alex says, “So Jack gave me a line about being hungry and ****, and I believed him.”

“Well, he was pretty ****,” says Elaine, studying her nails out of boredom. “But then again, so was I, so we helped each other out.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. He said he needed his tools.”

“Oh, and so did I,” purred Elaine. “He has a most impressive tool, and it came in quite handy. It’s not unlike yours, you know... A little thicker than yours perhaps, but don’t sell yourself short; you can use your tool on me any time you want.”

Now it is Alex’s turn to roll his eyes. “Will you stay on topic for a moment? I’m saying that I let him take stuff out of your father’s workshop, because I thought it was his, and then I covered for him while he was in here, because I thought he needed something to eat and was going to grab some clothes.”

Elaine nods. “And he did eat something... Oh, damn, but I had forgotten how skilled he is with his tongue! I don’t care what Dorothy Schnaegle says, but Jack’s tongue ranks a close second in terms of favorite body parts. Oh, and he was grabbing clothes, too. In fact, I think he tore the crotch of my panties. Would you mind taking a look?”

She starts to hike up her skirt for Alex, but he holds up his hand to stop her. “Are you not hearing a word that I’ve been saying? Jack has been stealing things from you, and I have been an unwilling part of it.”

Elaine considers his words. “Hmmm.... Well, to be fair, I took something of his once. Would the things he took be comparable in value to his virginity?”

Alex stares at Elaine, wordlessly, for several seconds. He wonders if she is capable of thinking about anything without it being connected in some way to sex. He thinks, “I’ll bet if I told her that the house is on fire, she would respond with something like, ‘And it burns as hot and intensely as my desire to have your cock inside of me!’”

“Alright, Elaine, would you please try to stop thinking about sex for a second? I’m asking you what I should do about Jack stealing stuff from your parents. Should I report it to them? Should I go to the police?”

Elaine’s face is contorted by the supreme effort of divorcing sexual thoughts from the subject at hand. Alex can tell that it is difficult for her and a totally-alien way of thinking, and he appreciates her efforts. He cannot help but be amused by the irony of being in the presence of a wanton nymphomaniac who would willingly spread her legs for him, yet he is the one who is pleading with her to stay away from erotic thoughts!

Finally, Elaine makes up her mind. “If I were you, I’d go to the police.”

Alex is surprised. “Really? What do I tell them, though? I don’t want to get you or me in trouble in the process.”

Elaine nods in agreement. “If I were you, I’d ask to speak with Constable Branshaw.”

Alex makes a mental note of the name. “Is he trustworthy? Discreet? What will he do when he gets his hands on Jack?”

Elaine shrugs and says, “I haven’t the foggiest idea.”

“Then why did you say you would ask for Officer Branshaw?” he asks.

“Because he is hung like a donkey!” she responds. Her eyes get a dreamy, far away look, as she says, “And his wife spends weeks at a time at Lake Gobelshire, taking care of her sick mother. The mattress in their master bedroom is rather lumpy, but he more than makes up for any discomfort by the way that he uses that pole of his!”

Alex rubs his temples, trying to drive away his growing headache. Clearly Elaine was not going to be of any help to him in attempting to clear up this latest situation.