Those Fucking Aliens

[All characters over 18]

So. Aliens are real. Who knew. Besides Fox Mulder that is.

Seriously the SSSS, short for, Society of Sentient, Sensible, Species, or as we came to know them, Those Fucking Aliens, had been watching our planet from shortly after we sent the first Radio waves out into space. Not messages, just signals, caused by experiments with electricity in the mid-1800s. Up till then there had been a system of self-repairing drones sitting in the trojan points created by the earth and moon’s gravity for a few hundred thousand years. They didn’t think or plan. Their only job was to send a signal to the millions of years old civilization at the first sign of sentient life, in this case the ability to create spark gap generators.

The discovery that an omnivore species had developed sentience had sent shock waves throughout the vast reaches of that civilization. More so when we developed nuclear weapons and didn’t irradiate our whole planet. There had almost never been an omnivorous species that had reached our level of development without destroying itself. The very few exceptions were the stuff of nightmares for the member races of the SSSS.

Our own prejudices would have led us to guess that carnivores would be the big bad when it came to alien races, but to the contrary they tended to be among the most stable of species. It seems that only the most cooperative and social of predatory species evolved sentience and by the time they did they were very stable and a tad hedonistic. Rather than setting out to conquer the universe, they were more inclined to seek out planets with lots of sun, sandy beaches and fancy drinks brought by cute females, or males, on demand.

Omnivorous races on the other hand were nicknamed devourers. They tended to evolve to sentience and space flight quickly—a few hundred thousand years instead of millions— and burn themselves out just as quick. They had a bad habit of stripping their planets of all resources and killing themselves off, allowing their planets to reboot and try again a few hundred million years down the road. The scary exceptions were the ones who made it out into space and started the process all over again. With other people’s planets. The problem with that is that space was where the SSSS kept all their stuff and they were not happy at the prospect of it, or themselves, being devoured.

Exterminating us would have been easy, but the very nature of the SSSS shied away from any suggestion of genocide. Their first inclination was to try and find a way to modify us and our culture in order to weed out our worst impulses, while retaining our aggressive tendencies, just controlled. Space was a very big place. Sometimes it was handy to have a big stick. For instance if they had already had someone like us as part of their coalition they wouldn’t have had to worry about us so much.

The SSSS, decided we had too much potential to simply let us die out, or worse become a danger to them.

Their best behavioral scientists were ordered to study us, and to compare us to the races with the closest similarities to our own so that they could modify our nature enough to make us less dangerous.

To their credit doing so in a way that would benefit us the most as well, in their opinion, was given a high priority as well. A well fed and socialized pit-bull was far safer than one who was chained in the yard and only let loose when you wanted something mauled, after all.

At this point I should mention that the aliens had possessed a stable and peaceful civilization for well over a million years. That might seem like a good thing, but think about it. They hadn’t invented or discovered anything new enough to change that society in a million years. Their learned scientists and scientific organizations were the ultimate in bureaucratic stagnation who’s very purpose was to not let things change. If it had worked for their great-great, to the tenth power, grand-progenitor, it was good enough for them. They were ill equipped to accomplish the task their political master set them. Especially in the timeline they were given.

We were only a couple of generations or more from interstellar flight at the rate we were going. That put them under a lot of pressure to come up with a plan quickly. That might seem like a lot of time, but that was a drop in the bucket time wise when the average lifespan of the Society's citizens was indeterminate. They tended to take a long view, as in I’ll get around to it next century, mom, quit bugging me. But there was no way they could take that sort of time with us. There was also no way they could allow us to spread out from our system like a swarm of locust devouring everything in our path.

On the plus side, while the scientists might not have been much in the way of original thinkers, they did have a massive tool box of devices and means to carry out their solution once they figured out whatever it was. If they had been so inclined they could have turned the moon into a self sustaining garden of Eden in a couple of centuries. Tweaking the creatures living on a life sustaining planet like earth was easy peasy for them.

Eventually they finished their analysis of us.

If you’re interested you can ask for a summary of the study and the conclusions they drew from it. I think it runs a million and a half pages.

I can break it down into a single sentence.

We were greedy, selfish, horny, monkeys who had barely evolved since coming down from the trees.

Not very helpful.

In the end they punted. They handed off the problem to one of the most advanced, and hedonistic feline races to deal with. This particular race had been stable for as long as the SSSS had existed over. But, early in their history they had gone through a period where they nearly destroyed themselves, and most of their nearby stellar neighbours, until they developed the culture that had stabilized them.

The leaders of the Felinids couldn’t be bothered with something so boring, so they handed the job over to their second class citizens, the ones who did all the dirty jobs that did not involve spending most of the time laying in the sun. Their females.

This is where things got interesting, and led to the current situation. The Felinid females were hard-wired genetically to be subservient to the much larger males of their race. Their species had a lot in common with our lions, culture wise. The females did all the work, while the men engaged in dick-measuring contests with other males, drinking, and fucking. Sort of like an uncensored fifties sit-com. And like lions, the Felinid males didn’t have one wife, they had a harem consisting of as many females as they could fuck in a twenty-four hour period. The act of sex imprinted a female to a male, but it was a short lived effect and if the female was not serviced on a regular basis she’d go looking for a male who could do it.

The females had no problem at all with this. Nothing made them happier than servicing their males and keeping him happy and content. The problem was that their race was stagnating and the males of today were not a patch on the males of yore. Seems that while in the old days a male could keep twenty or more females walking funny, these days they’d be lucky to manage four or five, and often had to be coaxed into performing.

Now you have to understand that while it would be easy to think of the female Felinoids as nothing more than sex-kitten/slaves to the larger, and less numerous males, that would be wrong. They were the ones that ran the planet, who built, well, everything. It had been the females who had invented the star-drive that at first led to them trying to conquer planets to give to their males, and then later to joining the SSSS.

The males had evolved to fulfill two jobs. The first was to protect their harem and offspring from outside threats, mostly other males. That had sort of fallen by the wayside once they became civilized by stellar standards. The second was to make sure all the members of their harem were well fucked on a regular basis. Neither of those jobs required them to be brain surgeons. Females on average ranked more than a few I.Q. points above that of males. As in fifty to a hundred points depending on the female and the male in question. The females didn’t care. They were perfectly happy keeping their males happy as long as the males returned the favor. Which was sort of the issue. The males were falling down on the last part.

Females were social, they felt comfortable in large harems with twenty or more other females. It was a point of pride in fact. Females whose male could only service three or four wives had a hard time holding their heads up in public.

This brings us to the present. When the Felinoid males offloaded the human problem on the most suitable organization the female in charge had been annoyed. She’d been working on finding a solution to the lack of virile males in their population and was not having much luck. As a result when she examined the problem in front of her a good part of her mind was still occupied with the first problem, so when she started reading about how aggressive the humans were, especially the males, and how sex seemed to drive most of their actions, she sat up and took notice.

Could it be possible that the solution of her problem lay in solving the problem with the humans?

The answer was, maybe.

The scientist had a daughter who was going to be lucky to find a proper male given present conditions. She might even, the horror of it all, never be fucked at all, maybe was good enough.

Two years later, unseen or sensed by any of our extensive satellite systems, alien spaceships moved into earth orbit and unloaded mega-tons of self-replicating biological nano viruses.

They filled the air and when they came into contact with a human they began to replicate themselves. In part they genetically modified the human host, in part they scoured the human’s body clean of any disease or genetic abnormality, and in part they constructed brand new organs that would eventually grant ability beyond anything humans had ever dreamed possible outside of a comic book.

A few selected individuals were targeted as test subjects. They received the premium package. If all went well they would pave the way for solving the Felinoid’s lack of sufficiently virile males.

The deployment took a generation. Which brings us up to a few months ago, when the aliens hijacked every broadcast signal on the planet. I don’t have to tell you about that. It is estimated that fewer than .001% of the earth's population did not hear the message in some form over the first twenty four hours.

[My first ever try at an original story. I might steal some character names from other sources because I suck at coming up with names but I don't intend this to be fanfiction. But if someone wanted to use the setting for a fanfiction I'd be fine with that.]