My Sweet College Suitemate

Your name is Connor Winters. Your parents have finally said their final, tear-filled good-byes, and at last you are on your own as a freshman in college. You have been looking forward to this for a long time. It's not that you are particularly enamored with education; it's just that you have longed to get out of your small-town environment and finally get out on your own. Your parents mean well, but they kept you on a pretty short leash all through high school. You have heard for years how college life is so much freer, fun, and full of excitement, and now is your chance to experience it.

As the time to leave for college approached, you let your daydreams take control, imagining a scenario where you would accidentally be placed as the only guy in an all-girls dormitory. Or better yet... end up with a female roommate, due to some clerical mix-up. Those things happen all the time in the stories you like to read on the internet. As your parents drove you onto the campus, your eyes almost popped out of your skull, looking at all the hot girls. When you get your room assignment and learn that you have been assigned to a co-ed dorm, you become almost giddy in anticipation of what awaits you.

That's when things started to go south. First of all, you learn your parents arranged for you to have a room to yourself, so you wouldn't be distracted in your studies. So much for the roommate fantasy. Then you get to your room and realize it's going to be far from exotic.

You share a bathroom, situated between your room and another. That's no problem. The problem is with the guy who lives in the other room. You met him on your arrival. He's fat, smelly, and not very pleasant. To top it off, he took a dump while you were unloading your stuff, and the fumes that came into your room from the bathroom about made you puke.

As your parents pull away, you yourself to look sad for their sake, but inwardly, you are already making plans. You have GOT to get another room assignment. At this point, you don't care if it is with a hot super model or just an ordinary guy. All you know is that if you have to spend the school year sharing a suite with that fat, stinky guy, you will go out of your mind.

You walk into the Student Development Office and tell the secretary why you are there. She tells you the Dean is in a meeting but will talk to you when you are done. You sit down, hoping it won't be a long wait.

In a few moments, the phone rings. The secretary answers, listens a moment, and says, "I'll be right there." She then opens the door to the Dean's office and explains that there is a problem with a moving truck parked in front of a fire hydrant. She is going to locate campus security and will be right back.

In her haste to leave, she fails to shut the office door all the way. You can hear the conversation inside:

"We're sorry to make a big deal about this, Dean Baxter, but Sarah just cannot be in a co-ed dorm. Her nymphomania can be controlled with medication, but not with men living across the hall."

"I understand, Mr. Rhodes. I'm signing this transfer form right now, switching her with a resident of an all-girls dorm. As soon as my secretary gets back, she will take care of it."

"Thank you, Dean. We have to leave now to catch our flight, so we won't be able to check up on her. You're sure it will be taken care of?"

"I'm writing VERY IMPORTANT -- ASAP on the form, and I'm putting it on my secretary's desk right now."

You look up and see the Dean, followed by two parents, emerge from the office. He places a paperclipped set of forms on the desk as the father continues to talk.

"And you will see that the nurse administers her medicine right away? She's overdue for it now, but I can't leave the medicine with her, because she refuses to take it. That's why I gave it to the nurse when we arrived yesterday."

"Yes, Mr. Rhodes. We will take care of it. The nurse just needed the authorization form from you, and it is here on my secretary's desk. We will get it rushed over to the nurse right away."

"And she'll make sure Sarah takes the medicine twice a day? Because Sarah won't take it unless she is to."

"That's how it reads on the form, sir. You have nothing to worry about."

The conversation continues as the Dean leads the couple out the door, but you've heard all you need to. Quickly, before anyone comes back, you grab the forms from the desk. Crossing out the name and room number of the girl in the all-girls dorm, you replace it with the name and room number of the guy next door. You have no idea what this Sarah looks like, but a nymphomaniac -- even a butt-ugly one -- has to be better than the stinkpot who's there now!

Then, looking quickly at the medical authorization form, you make a snap decision. You cross out the part that says, "Mandatory, supervised administration of medication" and instead check the box next to the words, "Administer as requested by student."

You put the papers back on the desk and sit down just as the secretary returns. She looks at the papers, picks up the phone and says, "I have a room change that needs to take place immediately."

Satisfied, you tell her you have changed your mind about your room problems and have decided to stick it out.