Kami Kurabe: The Priestess Arena

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For an immortal being with little concept of time, the idea of "life as one knows it" ending abruptly is a grave matter indeed. You found yourself pondering this and reflected on the circumstances that had ripped you from Kami Hinansho, the realm of the gods, to send you journeying to an arena across dimensions. For most gods, this was the highest honor they could receive: to be chosen by Monopoly, the high ruler herself, to send one's priestess into the holy tournament was a blessing indeed.

Gods survive on faith and the Kami Kurabe is a chance to build that faith. Before the Kami Aisatsu- or greeting of the gods- people had lived in ignorance of higher powers. Many had faith, but really, that faith was just humans defining their own dieties, their own rules, their own morals, and claiming that a higher power had told them to follow these rules. Seldom had they experienced any true glimpse upon the visages of the gods.

Now, each world had been enlightened to the presence of its own god. Rebellion had ceased some time ago. Worlds were fully subjugated by their gods and guided in a much more hands-on manner than ever before, with gods dictating people according to their whims through empowered priestesses: women with god-given powers and abilities. When the gods pulled back the clouds and revealed themselves to their worlds, humans lost their autonomy and were bent low in servitude.

Well... Almost all humans. You're a different sort of God, aren't you? You'd barely be distinguishable from a human male, a young adult, if it wasn't for your blue skin and the fact that you live in the clouds. That is because your behavior is less like a god's and more like a sloth's.

Your world is one of few remaining dimensions where humans are allowed to live in self-governance. Why not? It's always been plenty of fun to check up on them and see what they're up to. A gentle nudge here and there sets everything back into place, right? What are other gods getting so worked up about that makes them create armies of priestesses and all that shit?

... So your religion is a little small. Who cares? A few devoted priestesses are better than a bunch of bloodthirsty warriors, right?

... And so that lack of faith has made your powers small as well. Who cares? Gods get too hopped up on their own powers all the time. It's better to play it cool and nap in Kami Hinansho...

These had always been your thoughts: live and let live. Be and let be. So why had Monopoly picked you?! Why would she pick the only god with no interest in growing his strength to compete in the Kami Kurabe?! I mean, sure... watching priestesses strip each other naked in the name of piety sounds like a good time... but you never wanted to be the one forcing one of your world's people to fight for you!

As you found your toga-clad body carried out from your comfortable cushions of happy blue clouds and thrown straight into space, hurtling through a beam of light that acted like a sci-fi tractor beam, bringing you ever closer to the sun and the Kami Kurabe tournament building that had been erected nearby it, you heard the voice of the supreme goddess in your head:

"Oo~ooh! Lazy god! So begins your journey to Kami Kurabe, the Priestess Arena! In my vast and infinite knowledge, I have chosen you, Katappashikara, to name your champion for this competition! She may obtain glory! She may obtain victory! You may obtain faith! Or- just as critically- she may obtain defeat and you will lose your right of godhood! Oooo~woooh!"

The voice of Monopoly sounds a bit like that of a middle-aged lady trapped in an endless orgasm, but it's better if you don't tell her that. But oh... you'd almost forgotten that last part. If you lose too much in the Kami Kurabe, you may go from little faith to no faith at all... And a god with no faith ceases to be. You were starting to understand why you'd been picked for this competition... It could be that Monopoly wanted to replace you with somebody a little more hands-on in their control of your realm.

That would be something to avoid, if at all possible. Suddenly, you regretted that you haven't been building a large stockpile of powerful priestesses... more than that, you regretted that you, frankly, didn't know the name of a single priestess on your planet. Perhaps you've been a bit too hands-off.

Monopoly seemed to sense your frustration and giggled again, her mischievous voice ringing in your head even as her appearance remained entirely hidden.

"Ooo~ooh? You do have a chosen champion to fight for you, don't you? Do not fear, pitiful god... In my infinite benevolence, I shall grant you the use of my vast- ow~ooow- vast range of sight to pick the priestess who gives you the highest odds of victory! The strongest priestess in your realm, with the strongest devotion to your stated mantra, which I believe to be... 'humanity leaving you out of their shit!' Oh!"

It's kind of embarrassing when she says it out loud, but that really is what you want most of all. You want humanity to behave itself- or if it doesn't, to handle the dispute themselves- and let you roll over in your god futon of wispy clouds so you can go back to bed. Is there really a strong, devoted priestess out there somewhere whose call to action is that she doesn't want you involved in her life at all? And would that kind of person even fight for you?

There aren't a lot of Temples of Katappashikara still left in the human side of your world... As such, it seemed Monopoly would hardly need her vast, infinite, yada-yada wisdom to pick a priestess out of them. She could just gather them together and make them play Duck Duck Goose if she wanted to. Still, seeing through her eyes as her spirit whisked its way past the cloud cover, through overgrown willow trees, and towards an ancient Japanese temple a bit reminiscent of the pre-Aisatsu world, you thought she must have somebody special in mind.

The place was... pretty empty. Almost nobody was left worshiping here. Monopoly's eyes seemed to linger on the empty donation trays laying at the feet of your statues...

As you started to complain to Monopoly and point out that really, what do gods need money offerings for anyway, you heard the voice of a strict, elder woman. The viewpoint spun until you were watching a gray-haired old bat with a voice like a drill instructor, angrily enforcing her rules over several young priestesses. They're all pretty cute, but they look pretty inexperienced. Wait... no... Monopoly isn't going to saddle you with the instructor, is she?

Thankfully, she didn't. The vantage point continued to swirl its way through the old, Japanese-style halls, across tatami mats, past statues that you could swear looked like some other deity besides you, until finally, they reached a room with the door half-cracked. You heard the sharp thrusts of a sword in practice coming from inside... could this be... the priestess that Monopoly took you to meet? The door cracked open further, as though pushed by a ghost, and Monopoly stuck her (and your) invisible head inside.

A woman was training there... she was quite tall for a Japanese girl, somewhere over 5'6", with black hair done in a high, two-forked braid that ran long over one shoulder and short over the other. Despite being a priestess, she wasn't dressed in your symbols at all... instead, she wore an old, shinto-style priestess garb, with a white, cloth garment on top and a long, red hakama on the legs, tied up on the waist with a large bow just above the belly. Her breasts looked... hm... maybe not as big as the average priestess'. Given her height and weight, they were B cup at best. Her muscles looked... athletic? That's a nice way of saying that she looked like a better fit for jogging or swimming than she did wrestling down other priestesses. You would be remiss not to examine the curve from her waist to her hips in this sexy relic of a religious garment; it seemed like she'd probably have a pretty cute butt for whatever priestess gear she ended up wearing. That thought excited you a bit, but...

At this moment, her otherwise pretty, almond-shaped brown eyes looked terribly severe. Her lips were drawn into a small, unyielding frown that you would come to recognize as her trademark look soon enough. She definitely had the attitude of a fighter, if only the body of a girl just past 20. Sweat flicked from her hair and arms with every practiced chop of her wooden sword towards the practice dummy erected in one corner of her room. And pinned onto that dummy's face was... your face?! A crude drawing of your visage had been drawn by somebody and stuck on there with a pointed, iron shuriken!

"Oooowowooah! This mortal is known as Keiko Fukeiken! She is the one best suited to be your priestess!"

Monopoly's kidding, right? This priestess looks like she wants to slice your head in two, not serve you in the Kami Kurabe!!

"Oooo~hohoho...! I can sense you're already smitten, as should any god be with their most faithful priestess. I'm sure you two will hit it off wonderfully. I will transport her to the arena where she will wait for you, eager to be bestowed with the proper raiment for battle."

Wait... If Monopoly can just transport your priestess there, then why do you have to ride this crazy space bridge?! With that injustice on your mind, you hurtled ever closer to the place of competition... You saw the arena, floating freely on an island in space, growing larger in your field of view. It was a spectacle all gods knew from their time at the shows: a majestic construct, more like a palace than an arena, shaped like a golden circle with an enclosed roof and Roman-style pillars that conflicted annoyingly with your tendency to favor Japanese aesthetics. Placards and posters displaying past victorious gods and their champions were posted all over the walls, both outside and inside the arena, with vaguely egotistic golden statues erected here and there outside the arena grounds in the garden. You wondered if your statue would be there one day. Or Keiko's, of course.

Next, you saw the red carpet rolling out from the giant double-door entrance at the front of the building. No one was waiting there with instructions to welcome you, but the space bridge that was sucking you in continued sucking, shooting you towards that carpet...

You collided with it, literally skidding across the opulent red carpet entrance, into the buffet hall where other gods and priestesses were feeding themselves. The Kami Kurabe is the one opportunity for humanity and gods to mingle, though it is forbidden for either to lay a hand on the other. The gods are all shapes and sizes, some with the heads of animals, some impossibly large, others transparent like ghosts... The priestesses are a mixed bag of husky glamazons and pretty young girls. You would notice with some annoyance that plenty of the gods and priestesses looked awfully chummy, on exceedingly good terms ranging from friendship to reverence. You wondered if there was even a chance you were going to reach that same kind of relationship with Keiko...

Whatever the case, you got the sense as people laughed at you that you were pretty late and very, very little known around here. You had made an effort all your life to stay out of the affairs of both other gods and human-kind, for that matter, so it was no surprise that everyone was treating you like an outsider. Who cared about these people, anyway? There was probably only a short time before you'd be thrust into your first Kami Kurabe match! Before that happened, you had to find Keiko, brief her, go over strategy, hope she was hiding one hell of a super power besides just swordsmanship, maybe grab a bite from the buffet, help her into her priestess gear, maybe fall in love, then...! Then...!

If it sounds hard, Katappashikara, that's because it is. Welcome to Monopoly's stacked game: your first, and perhaps last, Kami Kurabe.