Edward's Laboratory

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Author's Note: I've always wanted to redo my original "Edward's Laboratory" story, and I feel like this is a good way to kill two birds with one stone. Not only will the story be rebuilt from the ground up, but I'm also throwing in several unreleased "Gadget" stories I've toyed with in the past. Feel free to add your own chapters/branches/gadgets, and write the thing however you prefer. My only rules for this story are the general rules of the site itself, so go nuts!

Second Note: The original "Edward's Laboratory" was actually inspired by Razmagurk and their super fun "Girlfriend with a Testing Device" story. In fact, they've recently just made the jump to CHYOA, and are hosting an open Story. Feel free to drop by Raz's amazing Discord server and show some love!

Final Note: I'd like to announce that I've got a Discord of my own up and running again! Feel free to stop by, hang out, and/or chat with other like-minded weirdos there. I'll be posting regular updates as to when new chapters will be released, occasionally posting full chapters before release, and will share the status of a story if requested. Oh, and there will be cake too, I promise.

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An old-timey red telephone sitting alone on a small wooden stand began to ring, echoing throughout the dark laboratory. It'd been quite some time since it'd last gone off, but there was usually only one thing that anyone on the other end of the line wanted. And that, our dear Readers, is the business of the greatest scientist that's ever lived.

Zoey, the scientist's lovely gothic intern, swiftly snatched up the receiver after the first ring.

"Thank you for calling Edward's Laboratory, where your fetish is our science project! May I ask who's calling?"

"..."

"... Hello?"

*click*

"Hm." Zoey mumbled, setting the shiny red phone back down on its base. "Weird."

"Give them a minute." Came a deep, groaning voice from across the room. "They'll call back."

"M'kay."

The haggard voice belonged to Edward, whose hulking form was slumped over a dirty metal table that was cluttered with anything that could be considered scrap electronics, all sorts of half-finished projects and devices that would never see completion, as well as various diagrams of strange designs that were either written or inscribed on paper, cloth, and the occasional stone tablet, all in various languages both known and unknown to the mortal realm. All of these things could be found scattered all across the dark room and its several tables and shelves, not to mention the copious amounts of empty beer cans, liquor bottles, fast food containers, a few loaded handguns, and cigarette butts mixed into it all.

Zoey openly said that the place smelled like a combination of both a morgue and a crack house when she had entered the laboratory for the first time several weeks ago.

Edward instructed her that if she wanted to change that, she should clean the place up.

Strangely enough, and to Zoey's great frustration, for every bit of trash and litter she attempted to throw away and clean up, the more it seemed to miraculously reappear.

The task has not been abandoned though. The skinny young goth owed it to her best friend Mandy and her crazy Uncle Eddy to do whatever she could for him during her internship with him. The credit would be crucial towards earning Zoey's Engineering Degree at her local University, not to mention that the gig had come with its own life-changing perks almost immediately after starting. In fact, the only reason she had sought Edward out in the first place was because Mandy had told her that he could help her lose weight.

For a price, of course.

Thankfully, since Zoey was virtually flat broke, this fee would include her acting as his lab assistant for an entire year, something he had the power and influence in certain circles to write off as a top-tier intern credit for pretty much any academic field of her choice.

So far, her duties have mainly consisted of handing him something from somewhere out of arms reach in the lab when he doesn't want to get up from his stool, cleaning up after him as best she could, making sure that he remembers to eat and sleep on occasion, and most importantly, answering the shiny red phone propped up in the corner, something that stood out from the grime and clutter all across the lab.

Zoey had thought about making the joke that she might as well have been Edward's stand-in mom, but she didn't want the middle-aged man to childishly retort by turning her into a sixty-year-old woman as a goof.

If the mad scientist could quickly throw together and point what looked like a crude circuit board at her and press a red button wired onto it to make her spontaneously lose exactly 100lbs in an instant, she didn't want to risk anything else that he might do to her on a whim.

As far as things go, this was the first time in Zoey's adult life that she was happy with her slender figure, and she wasn't about to screw it up by mocking an unpredictable sociopath.

She was 5'8, had long jet-black hair that went down to her lower back, a pale complexion, black-painted lips and nails, didn't have much in the way of curves ever since her transformation several weeks ago, and her attire consisted of a spotless white labcoat over a long-sleeved black T-shirt and dark blue skinny jeans. The lack of curves was fine by Zoey. Her once big and heavy breasts were now a comfortable and perky B-cup size now, which had been a byproduct of the unnatural weight loss. When Edward offered to restore them shortly after, she practically begged him not to, and he just shrugged without a care in the world.

For a man that specialized in weird magical and/or scientific technology that could rewrite reality itself into someone's living sexual fantasy, Edward didn't appear to have any interest in sex or physical attractiveness of any kind.

Zoey found that to be strange, but comforting on some levels.

The quirky young goth stepped over towards him, curious as to what he was fiddling with.

Zoey approached from behind, slowly getting a good look at various multi-colored stains on his well-worn labcoat and the back of his shiny bald head before his face came into view under the dim lights above them. Edward's shoulders were broad, his body and arms were bulky and muscular, and his long beefy legs clearly aided in his 6'5 stature. His face was strong, stoic, sporting a scruffy blonde beard, and the dark rings around his eyes indicated that he hasn't slept in approximately two days.

When her eyes fell to the table and where his hands were carefully working, her curious expression fell flat.

"Seriously?"

"What?" Edward asked, sounding both half-dead and annoyed as he broke apart buds of a leafy and potent-smelling green substance beside a thin piece of rolling paper. "I've got a prescription."

"Of course you do." Zoey said with a roll of her eyes as she walked around the table and sat in a stool located across from Edward. "Is there anything you don't have a prescription for?"

"Plutonium."

"... Wait, what?"

"Right?" Edward lifted the joint in his hands and licked the paper's edge before finishing his fat creation with a quick roll of his large fingers, completely missing the fact that Zoey was confused by the statement itself rather than being surprised the knowledge. "When you're helping the so-called 'Shadow Government' make stupidly unstable bombs with it, they give you a handful of medals, patents, and a near-limitless supply of the stuff. But when you crush it up and snort it off of a hooker's melting tits, they suddenly start calling you names like 'monster' and 'a threat to humanity'. If you ask me, they're all just a bunch of goddamn nerds."

"Right..." A wide-eyed Zoey said, not wanting to inquire further about this 'shadow government' that Edward occasionally mentioned from time to time, nor further imagine what breasts looked like when they were actively decomposing under radiation exposure. She shook her head and tried to change the subject.

Before she could, Edward took the initiative for once as he looked up and made eye-contact.

"So, how's the internship been treating you so far?"

"Oh, uh... Good? I guess." Zoey said, caught off-guard by the question. "I'm good at not thinking about what people do with the things you sell them, and aside from you using me to clean up after you, I don't really feel like I've been taken advantage of so far."

"Cool." Edward grumbled, then took a sip of the warm beer sitting to his left before putting the joint between his lips and lighting it up with a rusty Zippo. He took a very, very long drag off of it, burning it down to the half-way mark in one go. As he exhaled, the scientist continued talking with a thick cloud of smoke funneling out along with his words. "I'm honestly surprised that you've stuck around this long. After I made you skinny, I figured I wouldn't see you anymore after the first day."

"If we're being honest, I didn't think I'd still be here either." Zoey said, managing a shy smirk. "And since you haven't turned me into an airhead with massive boobs and an ungodly sex drive by this point, I definitely at least sort-of trust you."

"Well, not that you know of."

Zoey's expression fell once again and her heart skipped a beat in fear of the implication.

"I'm kidding." Edward chuckled, to which his assistant gave him an irritated look. "My libido died a long time ago, so you're relatively safe."

"I see." Zoey sighed, resting her elbow on the table and her head on her hand. "You could probably fix that, though."

"I totally could." He nodded. "However, I like my other vices well enough, and they don't distract me from work like a raging hard-on would."

"... Is that why you're bald? To scare off the ladies?" Zoey asked with the slyest of grins, which caught an immediate reaction from a now hateful-looking Edward. She swiftly sat up straight, instantly realizing she'd crossed some kind of line before trying to salvage the moment in a nervous, visible panic. "I-I mean, not that it looks bad on you! Bald guys with beards are super cute, actually. In fact, my first boyfriend had-"

"No, that's a story all on its own." Edward sighed, then took a light drag from his joint as the redness in face and shiny dome slowly began to subside. "Let's not mention it again though, alright?"

"Got it." Zoey quickly agreed, her eyes wide and hands trembling.

Suddenly, the shiny red phone in the corner began to ring loudly once again, which startled Zoey enough to literally fall out of her seat and land on the dirty floor.

"Oof!"

"Quit 'oof'ing around and go answer that." Edward coldly stated as he leaned down and looked at his hopeless assistant from under the table. "We've got money to make."

"Y-Yes sir..."