Wonder Pills

An old-timey red telephone sitting alone on a small wooden stand began to ring, echoing throughout the dark laboratory. It'd been quite some time since it'd last gone off, but there was usually only one thing that anyone on the other end of the line wanted. And that, our dear Readers, is the business of the greatest scientist that's ever lived.

Zoey, the scientist's lovely gothic intern, swiftly snatched up the receiver after the first ring.

"Thank you for calling Edward's Laboratory, where your fetish is our science project! May I ask who's calling?"

“My name is, uh…” The customer’s voice crackled through the speaker, sounding as if a young man was purposely trying to hide his voice by making it deeper. “M-Marcus Denton, yeah.”

“Excellent!” Zoey pulled a pen and notepad from her lab coat and jotted the info down, ready and waiting to take the man’s order. “And how can we help you scratch that pervy itch today, sir?”

The voice on the other end let out a long and weary sigh.

“Well,I’m going to be stuck up in a lake house with my mo-... I-I mean, my wife and a few other family members. Let’s just say I could use something to spice things up around the place, and I’ll pay whatever it takes to make that happen.”

“I’ll need you to be more specific, sir.” Zoey said, just after an old man with a shiny bald head fell from the lab’s ceiling at the mere mention of money, to which she was unphased by. “We can do almost anything that either your heart or imagination desires, so feel free to throw out some ideas, and I’ll tell you how possible it would be to make them real.”

Edward groaned in agony, rolling around on the dirty tiled flood amongst all sorts of half-finished devices and scrap electronics it was littered with, dirtying his already grimy lab coat all-the-more. Zoey noted that the crashing sound he made was harsh, and she figured that the man was in a fair amount of pain. That’s what you get when you hook up telekinetic transmitters directly into your skull and then try to take a nap in mid-air, she thought to herself with a roll of her big green eyes.

As the tall, old, and muscular man eventually climbed to his feet, the teen clearly pretending to be an older man broke his moment of ponderous silence.

“Fuck, I don’t really know…” He said, causing Zoey’s shoulders to slump with frustration. “How about, like, a bottle full of pills that can turn them into horny idiots with giant tits?”

“Doable.” Edward mumbled, then immediately began reaching for parts scattered around on his primary lab table as soon as he was on his feet. “The kid said, 'whatever it costs’, so just keep him talking.”

“Not a problem, sir.” Zoey said, scribbling down notes on her notepad. “Unlimited refills?”

“Uh, yeah! That’d be great, actually. With that, I could-”

“Okay, so we’ve got breast expansion, libido enhancement, and intelligence loss covered.” Zoey interrupted. “Should we also add penis enlargement and butt expansion to the list?”

“Sure, but, uh… Is that all going to be in one pill? I mean, chicks with dicks are pretty hot, but I don’t know if I want everyone to have one.”

Zoey glanced at Edward, who shook his head from side-to-side as he held a lit soldering iron against what appeared to be a white, plastic, soda-can-sized prescription bottle.

“No, not quite.” She said. “Each pill will have one initial effect, but there will be a way to make one pill carry multiple effects, I believe.”

Edward paused briefly at that, then shrugged and nodded.

“Oh, rad!” He said, having completely forgotten to mask his voice out of a sense of hope and excitement, even though he probably didn’t understand what she was describing. “In that case…”

Between moments of Zoey suggesting things like time limits and awareness settings to up the overall price, he spent the next few minutes or so rambling off fetish after fetish. Not that any of it phased Zoey. This was maybe the thirty-something-th order that she’d taken for Edward as his unpaid intern, and had heard much stranger things from the mouths of others.

Instantly after she’d received the final bits of info regarding the young man’s location and payment method, Edward began putting the final touches on the device he’d thrown together.

That's what Zoey assumed was happening, anyway.

"Okay, th-thank you sir! We'll get it to you as fast as we can!" She shouted, then hung up the line and glared at the old man across the lab who was furiously banging a steel hammer against some kind of metal ball on the table.

“What are you doing?!” Zoey screamed over the sharp, teeth-shaking sounds with both hands covering her ears. Right next to the invincible ball being struck was the pill bottle, completely transformed from the simple plastic container it once was.

And it appeared to be done already, Zoey thought to herself with bubbling rage, wincing at each piercing strike.

“What?!” His deep voice boomed. “Speak up!”

“Why are you doing that?!”

“I have a headache!”

“Then stop!”

“No, it’s soothing!”

“... You’re a goddamn manchild!”

“What?!”