The King's Ring

An old-timey red telephone sitting alone on a small wooden stand began to ring, echoing throughout the dark laboratory. It'd been quite some time since it'd last gone off, but there was usually only one thing that anyone on the other end of the line wanted. And that, our dear Readers, is the business of the greatest scientist that's ever lived.

Zoey, the scientist's lovely gothic intern, swiftly snatched up the receiver after the first ring.

"Thank you for calling Edward's Laboratory, where your fetish is our science project! May I ask who's calling?"

“What? Sorry, I was trying to call my wife. Wrong num-”

“Wait!” Zoey screamed into the phone, likely causing the middle-aged man on the other end to recoil. “Don’t hang up, please!”

“Jesus! Alright, lady. Relax...”

“Thank you so much, sir!” Zoey cheered, doing a fist-pump in the air to celebrate hooking the first customer of her very long day.

“What do you want?” He asked impatiently.

“How would you like to get laid tonight?” She asked, thinking off the cuff. She’d just sat around all day in the lab by herself, bored out of her mind and yet too afraid to touch anything laying around on account of how dangerous even the slightest piece of his scrap technology could be. Still, Zoey had to finish her unpaid shift and have Edward, wherever he was, sign off on her hours-sheet for any of that time to be credited.

“I’m married.”

“... Happily?”

“Look, I’m interested in buying a hooker. No offense.”

“Some offense taken, sir.” Zoey said, the look on her pretty pale face as serious as can be. “This is Edward’s Laboratory, where we can make your wildest dreams come true; not where you spend twenty bucks to get a half-assed blowjob by an old cracked-out whore that lost all of her teeth.” Zoey’s eyes went wide as she put a hand over her mouth in the brief silence that followed shocked by her own words, for once…

Edward might be rubbing off on her more than she realized.

“My wildest dreams, huh?” The man actually sounded interested, if he wasn’t just being too sarcastic for Zoey to realize.

“Booya.” She silently mouthed, quickly forgetting about her previous crassness. “Absolutely! We specialize in creating personalized technology that can improve your quality of life, and orgasms, by one-thousand percent. Tell me, sir, what do you desire most in the world?”

“... I wouldn’t mind losing a few pounds, honestly. Got anything that’ll help me trim off some of this fat?” He chuckled.

“That’s a walk in the park for us, sir.” Zoey said, rubbing her flat tummy with a smile on her face. “C’mon, what do you really want, Mr…?”

“Jacobs.”

“Mr. Jacobs, you’d obviously like to lose weight and have your ideal figure, but how about your wife? I bet she’d enjoy the same, wouldn’t you think?”

“Yeah, I bet she would...” He chuckled again, then paused for a moment in thought. “What the woman needs is a set of breast implants if you ask me. That, and a serious attitude adjustment.”

Zoey rolled her eyes. There it was, she thought, hoping for some kind of wholesome basis for the sale, for once. It didn’t matter in the end, though. She’d been through so much in a short amount of time, part of her was numb to selling people technology that was powerful enough to sometimes bend the fabric of space-time just to get their rocks off, and the other half of her was too focused on being a good intern for the most unhinged man in existence to care about the ramifications of her actions. An example from the Nuremberg Trial aside; if she wasn’t the one taking the orders for customers, then Edward would just be doing it himself anyway, so it’s not really like Zoey was truly a bad person for helping some people reshape, control, and virtually others, right?

Right?

“We can certainly facilitate that, without issue.” She sighed, trying not to sound dejected. “Do you mind if I ask you a few questions to help better understand your needs?”

“Uh, sure. Why not? I’ve got half-an-hour to kill.”

After the information was taken and a credit card number had been received, Zoey drew up an order for a ring that gave its bearer the ability to, well, you’ll see soon enough, folks; let’s just finish up with this story’s silly introduction piece.

Sometime later, and out of nowhere, a small, white dot appeared and began glowing beneath some of the trash and scrap lying around the floor, then expanded about five-feet in diameter, causing everything above it to start falling through the cloudy wall that prevented others from seeing what lay on the side.

Then, a naked, blood-soaked Edward came bursting through, feet first and upside down, sending junk flying in all sorts of directions around the lab. The trajectory and speed was angled perfectly for his entry, and Edward’s naked body soared just passed the lab’s high-ceiling in an arch and landing perfectly on his feet. The long metallic object in his hand hit the ground with him with a crack, visibly damaging the tiled floor beneath him. Upon further inspection from the few yards away she stood, Zoey realized that the bloody weapon in his hand appeared to be some kind of purple two-handed battleaxe. And upon even further inspection, the size of Edward’s package had finally been revealed to her.

Zoey wasn’t sure which of those mighty tools of destruction caused her more fear.

Fifteen-inches long while completely flaccid, the scientist's long, pendulous cock and tight, heavy balls swung around as he quickly turned to face Zoey; his dark, bloodshot eyes staring her down with a gaze so fierce that the sight paralyzed her instantly, and may have also caused her intimates to tingle with confused, terrified delight.

Then, Edward just blinked a few times as he seemed to come back back to reality, glancing around the lab and scratching his lengthy, golden beard.

“Have you seen that plate of dinner from the Main Story?” He asked his intern, almost groaning the question as he released the axe that was apparently stuck in the ground, now. “I’m fuckin’ starving.”

Zoey just sat on the stool unmoving, her wide eyes locked on a giant dick.

He shook his head and then walked over to a table that was piled with scrap and half-melted projects in search of a dish that had to be rotting away and covered in mold, by that point.

And decaying it was, Edward thought with a nod, picking up the plate once it had been located so that he could bring it over to a fancy-looking microwave in the corner of the room. Without hesitation, he opened the door, threw it inside, closed said door, pressed a button, and ding! It was as good as new.

“Booya.” Edward whispered to himself, then looked up to Zoey as he pulled out the very fresh and steaming plate of his sister’s delicious cooking from the reverse-aging time-o’-wave' device that he refused to think up a proper name for out of sheer laziness. “So, did you get a sale?”

“Wh-where were… Why are you…?” Was all she managed to mutter.

Edward just sighed with satisfaction as he took a bite of the loaded baked potato in the center of the pate, every inch of his lower half covered in dark and semi-dried/frozen blood.

“Had a falling out with one of the Alphabet over in Sweden.” He said, his mouth full of hot food. “I just wanted to borrow Sigma’s axe for this project I'm working on. When I went to ask her Master about it, she was all like, ‘GeT oUt Of My FuCkIn’ BaThRoOm, YoU cReEp’.” Edward mocked. “Aaand then things went south from there. Like, way south. I’m really glad all those servants of her’s were literally soulless, or else I’d feel like a pretty big dick right now...” He stoically glanced down at his flaccid anaconda for an instant. “No pun intended.”

He chuckled as he finished speaking, then set his fork down on the plate as he reached for an old beer that’d been sitting on the table for some time; Edward’s face crinkled with displeasure as he washed down the wondrous meal with bitter, flat .

With her newfound compartmentalization capabilities, Zoey stood up in a state of mild shock and began acting as if everything was normal after that little speech. Yep, this was her life now, she thought. This was totally normal in her line of unpaid work, after all. Don’t stress. Don’t panic and freak out, and definitely don’t reach out and touch his massive, godly di-di-di…

Having moved quickly, she was now standing in front of Edward with Mr. Jacobs’ order in her extended hand. Zoey’s mouth was hanging open stupidly and her eyes couldn’t stop tracking Edward’s big cock while it swung around from the center of his very tall and very muscular frame.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer. Sheesh...” Edward said with an uncomfortable grimace before noticing the note that the malfunctioning dork was presenting to him. “Oh, good work. Where’s your hours-sheet?”