Cubicle Cunts

Internal Office Email:

Dear Colleagues,

If you have been with our company for some time, I am sure you would have experienced the terrible and costly public lawsuits we went through in the wake of dozens of sexual allegation lawsuits. Our share prices plummeted with a majority of the board members resigned. Fortunately, we survived through the ordeal by firing the perpetrators responsible for the issue and making costly financial settlements.

There were serious conversations that the company may go bust under public scrutiny. You may recall that I, the CEO of Orion Holdings put forth a bold plan to save the company, immediately creating a new duty roster dubbed 'Cubicle Cunts' where hardworking male colleagues can relieve themselves of any sexual frustration so that they may remain ever productive in this ever changing world.

While there were initially strong push backs from rights activists and even our own female staff, I am proud to report that 12-months later, our rate of sexual harassment allegations have dropped to zero! This clearly shows the initiative is successful and I have even heard talks of other companies considering emulating our policies. As such, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the wonderful female staff of Orion Holdings who take on the additional role of satisfying our male colleagues urges.

Let it be known that we recognize and appreciate your efforts. At the same time, I would like to remind all 'Cubicle Cunts' of the mandated rules should you be selected as the office cum dump for the day:

1) Consent (on your behalf) is not required for a male colleague to grope, hug, kiss, fuck or perform any acts that are sexual in nature

2) Cubicle Cunts are in no way allowed to refuse sexual acts by another male colleague (Please report to HR if compliance is lacking)

3) Cubicle Cunts who are in a marriage or relationship must still perform their monthly duties (NO EXCEPTIONS!)

4) Cubicle Cunts are encouraged to wear minimal clothing or none at all (For ease of access)

5) Condoms are encouraged but not mandated

6) If found pregnant, please contact HR for assistance

7) Should two or more male colleagues be requesting relief, priority goes to that of a higher rank

8) To be updated......

With that, I implore all our male colleagues to appreciate and encourage your colleagues of the opposite gender for taking on this additional role to ensure the success of our company, no matter if you are a humble janitor, intern, long-time staff or even management staff.