Get some help! You have no idea what you're doing!

No god in all of godhood was less prepared than you for this Kami Kurabe, not only because of your uniquely poorly suited mantra- to stay out of god shit- but also because of your terrible lack of knowledge regarding serving as a god for a priestess in this competition. Even if Keiko knew a thing or two about it, all you'd done was watch a few of the dirtier contests on your Ray-V set! You had to learn something, anything, before you went to meet your priestess! You weren't above begging some god to show you the ropes, if you had to!

Spotting you, a man with thick, horn-rimmed glasses and slicked, oiled black hair approached, swinging his arms easily at his sides and looking every bit as comfortable here as you did not. You would think to yourself that his pallid, grayish skin was deeply unattractive, as was his habit of chewing bubblegum and loudly smacking it. He had a deep purple suit and a red ascot on, the garishness of which made him look especially untrustworthy, with gold rings on each finger. As you looked at the gleaming gold more carefully, you realized... Wait! Those are championship rings! This man has been a multi-time Kami Kurabe champion?!

He saw the look on your face as you inspected his rings and grinned from ear to ear, smacking loudly around his teeth, which were so white and square they might be dentures. "You're wonderin', those things real? Bingo, Kiddo! You look like somebody who could use some help in a big way. Like, I'm talkin' god-sized help. Name's Don. Let me show you the ropes, if for no other reason than that you and your priestess don't piss yourselves on the way out to the arena. Kami Kurabe's serious biz, sacred communion between all us gods, alright? You show up here pissing yourself, you make all us gods look bad. Your priestess, she can piss herself, some people like that. But you both piss yourselves? Fuggetaboutit!" the man chortled, now grabbing one arm about your shoulders in an overly chummy way.

The guy was annoyingly concerned about piss. Was he really a multi-time champ?

"Alright, let's go over what makes a priestess a priestess. This ain't the old days where all they gotta do is pray to some shmook for good crops! Priestesses hone their bodies every day in every kinda way, gettin' stronger and stronger, to enforce the will of gods like you, if uh, you really are one," he began, pointing towards a shapely, blond priestess in a leather bikini like a fantasy-trope warrior and staring at her ass longer than was strictly necessary. "As a god, you don't do no fightin'; it's all the priestess. And she ain't puttin' her life on the line neither, just her dignity and yours. You see them logos and words printed all over the outfits of every dame in this room? Those are like sponsorship, kinda. What I mean is this: they're how you get your name out there and get faith, capiche? They may look like walkin' billboards, but there's a good reason! That shows their faith and it gets you more faith... and the more faith you get, the stronger you are!"

That could explain why you're so sluggish lately. Barely anyone in your realm knows you exist any more...

"So the goal of the Kami Kurabe is to take away the other guy's faith. How you gonna do that? Your priestess is gonna beat the pants off the other one... literally. Ah, I can see by the way you're noddin' that you know that part, at least," the guy joked, slapping your shoulder again as he smacked gum loudly in your ear. "The challenged names the specific contest. It's not all fightin'. Some priestesses choose other forms of competition, there's no rule against it. But you can count on the average one comin' down to blows, priestess against priestess. That's why these gals are trainin' all the time. Oh, and another rule? There ain't no rules, other than to conduct yourself by rules becomin' of gods. That means you can be as horny as you want, so long as you don't try to kill nobody. Pretty great contest, I says!"

Don was starting to say a bunch of shit you already knew. You had **** but to beg him to tell you something useful.

"Fine, fine. So your priestess has got a lot to consider, right? The judges are gonna be watching and at all times, they're gonna assign her a tier. That tier refers to how much raiment she's still got on. There's four tiers of judgment... We call it T4, T3, T2, T1."

"T4 means she's got all your logos and branding all over her, full armor, the works. You're gonna wanna keep your priestess here, if you can. That'll get you the most faith and the most honor. Plus, keeps her well defended. Now note: if she's all the way nude except for a gauntlet, that's not tier 4, capiche? Tier 4 just means you're well dressed, like yours truly."

"T3 probably means her armor's kaput, it's been broken off by the opponent. She's still plenty modest, though, and your brand is still all over her. Nothin' to worry about. Frankly, if your opponent can't get you here, then it's not much of a spectacle, am I right?"

"T2 means your priestess has her panties or whatever showin' to the audience. That looks as good as it sounds, but trust me, this is danger state for your priestess. If the judges put her here, she's one bad day away from her birthday suit, and you ain't got much real estate to show your branding on her."

"T1 is the bottom of the barrel. By this point, she's dressed in maybe a thought and a prayer. We're talkin' her tits are out, her ass is showing, she's flashin' her vag, whatever. You can't legally be judged lower than T1 unless you're all the way nude. If you are... If her tier's 0, you gotta go ahead and give up the goose: forfeit, I mean."

"Then you got your tattoos," he continued, grinning wider as he bizarrely chewed bubblegum with dentures. "If your priestess loses her T1, she's gonna get tattooed. A tattoo is when your opponent god gets his priestess to brand your priestess with his logo... Now that's some shit. Your priestess is gonna be advertising some other god for all eternity! Even if you got enough faith left somehow to let your priestess redress and keep going, that shit's never coming off. It's real fun to put yours on somebody else, but it ain't fun at all for your priestess to have to go through that, so try and be nice and don't let the two of you suck too much, capiche?"

The man finally let you go, seemingly so he could start gesturing at various priestesses to illustrate his next points. "Now let's go over what your priestess needs to succeed. First off: Power! That's self explanatory, right? It refers not only to her own damage capability, but also, to the strength you're granting her. If she slacks off or if you do, power's gonna get low. No power makes it pretty damn hard to win, no matter what you're doing. Body you can think of like your priestess' stamina, toughness, and even her foot-speed. You can have all the power in the world and it don't mean jack if your priestess ain't got the body to be competing. What am I saying, I can tell you're a shmuck who ain't never thought about what it's like for a priestess out there. So if you ain't got those, what might you have? Cunning, that's the other most important part. Sometimes, your priestess is so smart she can trick her way into a victory. That's legitimate in its own way."

"Two more things to keep an eye on, you chump: first is Faith. You can think of this more like your stat than hers... High faith means you got big influence, which means your priestess is gonna be more loyal and the two of you will be better friends and all that crap! It's good to have faith, trust me, that's what us gods are all about. Easiest way to get your faith up is give good instructions and focus on the contest. Winnin' helps a lot. Finally, there's Sin, which is one that don't come up in contests too much. It's kinda like how erotic you are to priestesses that ain't even yours. Kinda pointless, but if you're horny, I say go for it. If sin builds up, it can lead to a variety of things, including them priestesses thinkin' about throwing away their piety and gettin' down with a deity. If you really wanna fuck somebody else's priestess, gettin' Sin up is a good idea. But you're gonna have to figure out on your own how to do that. Usually means sinnin' a little yourself. Frankly, both Faith and Sin are pretty good stats to have for any deity hopin' to get himself laid."

Your head was spinning now... You felt like the old guy's voice was never going to end, but finally, it did... For a moment, before he started up again. "Let's go over strategy now, kid. What's your priestess' special ability?"

"Special ability?" you asked, dumbly.

"... Kid... You don't even know what her ability is? Ain't you the god givin' it to her?! How the fuck are you gonna win your first match?!"

Not by standing around here any longer! You thanked the man for all his help, recommended he get a breath mint, then ran off to the priestess' lounge to find where Keiko had been placed. Maybe, at the very least, you could share some of what you learned with your priestess to make the contest go a little smoother.

((Cunning +1))