The Entitled Guest Explains Mars's Purpose for Being

"Yeah, so, like, I was sent to guide you toward your true purpose and the ultimate fulfillment of a celestial goal," Reese said, taking a sip of coffee. "Pretty trippy, huh?"

Mars couldn't really say anything. She just stared at her bizarre intruder, this guest who had foisted herself upon her unassuming life and demanded satisfaction. "Umm... what?" she finally said after a long moment of silence.

"It's exactly what it sounds like," Reese said, "what do I need to explain? You're the Chosen One, you've got a job to do, I'm here to help you do it -- bam. That's it." She took another sip, letting out a tiny "ah" as she licked her lip. "It should be pretty fun!"

"But... what am I supposed to do, exactly? Fight aliens? Kill a demon? Retrieve, I dunno, some kind of ancient stone or something?"

Reese made a face. "You watch too many movies," she said. Then: a giggle. "At least, the wrong kind of movies."

"What does that mean?"

Reese shrugged, setting off another tidal wave of boobflesh. "Eh. You'll find out soon enough." She gently set her cup beside her, then leaned in, giving Mars a view of a veritable canyon of cleavage. "But listen. Before I tell you what you're meant to do, I want you to know that my job is to keep you safe. At no point will you be in any danger." She paused and looked off to one side, clearly trying to formulate her next sentence. "Okay, so maybe there'll be a tiny, teeny bit of danger, but that's okay. I'm, like... fairly competent."

"Only fairly?"

"I'm humble, too. Okay. So. Do you wanna know your mission?"

Mars sighed. "Yes. I've been asking you to tell me."

Reese waved her off. "It's fine, it's fine. So, basically, you're gonna restore balance to the multiverse, and I'm gonna help you do it. See? Easy-peasy."

Mars raised an eyebrow. "Multiverse? What the hell is that?"

"Do you seriously not read comics?" Reese sighed. "Okay, so the multiverse is, like, a bunch of universes. Well -- technically -- I mean, literally speaking the multiverse is contained within the universe, 'cause the word 'universe' implies everything in existence, but --"

"Get. To. The. Point," Mars commanded.

"Oh! Sorry. The multiverse is a bunch of alternate realities, existing side-by-side. The differences between these continuities could be minute or ****. Like, in one reality the only difference might be that, like, Americans drive on the left, but in another reality everyone could be --"

"Animal people?" Mars interrupted.

Reese looked surprised. "Shit, how did you know what I was gonna say?"

"I didn't," replied Mars. "But right before I met you I had this, like... vision. I saw... I saw these other worlds, or something, like a dream --"

"Oh!" Reese exclaimed, clapping her hands together. "You have visions! Awesome! Okay, so that helps me out a bit. You were peeking into alternate realities, and you were probably seeing things you needed to fix somehow. Or do. It can get kinda cloudy." She paused for a moment. "It's my job to help you with that."

"But why me?"

"The reason is very mundane and kinda sexist."

"That's fine. Tell me."

"Simply put? You have a rockin' bod."

Mars laughed. "No, seriously, tell me the reason, but thanks." Reese looked serious. "Oh. Wait. Are you kidding me?"

Reese shrugged.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Mars rolled her eyes. "So because I've got a big butt and huge tits I'm the chosen one?"

Reese giggled and winked.

"Well, then... what does that make you?" Mars motioned toward Reese's chest.

Reese snorted. "Thanks! It makes me your handler. We're not all this good-looking."

"Wait -- you said 'we.'"

"Yeah, there's a bunch of us."

"Just for me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why would I need a bunch of handlers?"

"You don't! You just get me."

Mars took a deep breath. "Then why are there a bunch of you?"

"Umm... 'cause there are a bunch of Chosen Ones?"

"Then how am I _the _Chosen One?"

"Ohhhh! I see what you mean. Sorry -- I meant that, like, you're the Chosen One in the way that I would call, like... the local taco guy 'The Taco Guy.' Jeez Mars, don't get all full of yourself."

Mars took another deep breath. "So then I'm not the only one saving the multiverse or whatever?"

"Nope! You're saving part of it. But it's an important part! Every little thing affects every little thing, y'know?"

"Great. Cool. Fine. What do I do?"

Reese finished her cup of coffee. "Follow me." She stood up, body swaying generously, and started toward the front door. Right as she reached the door she looked over her shoulder. "By the way, I'm moving in."

"Okay, let's do this," Mars said, getting up to follow her. "Wait -- what?"