Sexual orientation.

You're a simple man. You look at your roommate's sexual ruleset.

Orientation: Exclusively heterosexual.

These are the first words that jump out at you, and they're the first ones you need to change. As handsome as Jack is in his straight-guy way, his masculinity has been making you feel quite insecure as of late. It's about time you took him down a couple pegs, so to speak. You write:

Orientation: Gay, gay, gay!

You're not sure if the app will recognize the syntax, but it saves your changes without giving you an error message.

"Hey, Jack?" you say, cautiously.

"Yeah?" he says.

"Um... do we have a chemistry test this week?"

"Yeah, on Friday."

You're not sure if the changes worked. You want to ask him about his sexual preferences, but without making any additional changes, he's liable to be offended by the question. So you change tactics and scroll through the app a little more. As it turns out, the setting you're looking for is in the "Presentation" tab:

Speaks with a general American accent.

This you change to:

Speaks with a thick "gay voice."

"Hey, Jack?" you try again.

"What is it?"

Gone is the low, overwhelmingly straight voice that turned so many women on, and in its place is a shrill, whining voice like a homophobic stereotype. It's hard not to laugh at your success.

"We do have a chemistry test this week, right?" you say.

"Oh my god, you just asked me that!" Jack squeals, in a playful tone of voice. He holds up his hands as he says this, and you realize that the app's voice settings apply to more than just verbal speech.