The One Every Dude Buys First, of course

Okay, let's assume this thing is legit. If we approach it with that assumption, which of these three seems the most appealing?

You weigh your options. Being easily forgiven seems super useful, but also a little scummy. It seems like the kind of thing a jerk would ****, and while you have no intentions of being a jerk at the moment, it still strikes you as a shitty thing to use.

Not having to sleep or eat would be a no-brainer. It's basically like giving you a superpower! You'd have at least eight extra hours a day to do whatever you liked, and you could skip meals whenever you felt like it with no problems. And apparently you could still eat whenever you liked without consequences! But. There's always a but. It's so expensive! It'd wipe out your whole cache of gems, and you have no idea how you to get more, other than "improve your relationships". Which is pretty damn vague.

The last one seems... a little juvenile. I mean, sure, you wonder what it'd be like to have a bigger dick. What man hasn't had that thought? But it's not like you're small. You're, as far as you know, pretty average.

But then again, average ain't huge. And this is promising huge. Without the expected downside of not being able to fit. And, it's the cheapest option. It'd leave you open to buy another 250 gem (or cheaper) perk if you felt like it, assuming there are other ones.

Hmm...

Yeah, you click it. Let's be honest, there was no other way this was going to go. Immediately, a small text box pops up.

Congratulations on your purchase! Hope you enjoy it!

And as your car warms up in the January night, you wait with your thoughts firmly in your pants.

And you wait.

And you wait.

Ten minutes later, with the car still idling, your dick limp and un-enlarged, you begin to realize how fucking stupid you are. What the fuck did you expect a shady ass app you found on your phone to do? Magically make your dick bigger? You wonder if this is how so many guys end up falling for those banner ads about pulling exercises and pills. Some dudes spend hundreds of dollars on that snake oil bullshit. For you, a bigger dick is apparently enough of a motivator to make you waste ten minutes of gas, and you'd like to think you have some willpower.

With a heavy sigh, you drive your car back home. At least nobody will ever know how you embarrassed yourself dreaming of a massive schlong.

Fifteen minutes later, you're taking off your shoes after entering the second floor apartment you share with your cousin, Taylor. You'd assume at this time of night in the middle of the week, she'd be in bed. Not wanting to wake her, you quietly make your way through your small living room and into your bedroom.

Your bedroom ain't much. You haven't really decorated since you moved in with Taylor, and beyond a bookshelf with a bunch of nerdy books and a few collectibles, there wasn't much to the space.

But the computer at your desk was another story. A custom built, liquid cooled monstrosity, with a LED mechanical keyboard, a high-end gaming mouse, and three monitors, this thing was your one and only passion. You spent your entire tax return, along with a small chunk of insurance payout money from your parent's accident, to build the thing.

You named your computer Linda. It's a beautiful disaster.

As much as you'd love to fire it up and go to town, you're far too tired to do so. You collapse on your bed, only bothering to take off your work apron with name tag still attached. As you drift off into dreamland, you can't help but wonder what that look Morgan gave you was about. If she even gave you a look at all.

Man, girls are weird.