Drunk sexting

Phoebe starts destroying our lives so casually, “Some random Wednesday a couple years ago, Joey was out of town at some conference. I was working on a bottle of wine in bed. I was feeling a bit feisty, so I decided to text my favorite scratching pole that I love to sink my claws into for fun. I texted Chandler some ransom Britney Spears gif. He sent one back very quickly. He never texts back that quickly.

“[Me]: What are you up to?

[Chandler]: Alone in a hotel room in Dallas.

[Me]: You jacked off yet?

[Him]: Of course you would ask that. :P not yet. I might later after I finish these beers

[Me]: Lol that was way more forward than you usually are. You must have had a couple already

[Him]: I won’t deny that. What are you up to? Say hi to Joey for me.

[Me]: I can’t do that. He’s down in Florida and I’m all by myself in this big bed working on a bottle of wine

[Him]: Have you gotten out your vibrator her?

[Me]: Omg lol I knew you were gonna say something like that and reuse my joke lol and no I have not made a decision about which toy I’m using tonight. Usually I wait until I have a really good buzz and see what I’m in the mood for

[Him]: When you have a good buzz, you wanna find the right buzz lol

[Me]: You get it ;)

[Him]: When you finally get in the mood, let me know what you choose. I’m curious

[Me]: Only if you tell me what you’re going to watch to jerk off lol”

Phoebe looks around the group, “I see the look at your faces. Yes, this was very inappropriate texting for two people who are married. It was the flirtiest we have ever been. We never text like this. On that particular night we both lonely, horny and drinking. And we found someone who we could text with and have fun. Joey never flirts like this with me in texts. Chandler was fulfilling an itch that never got scratched. So I finished my bottle of wine, and texted him.

“[Me]: I think I’ll go with something simple tonight but I know will get the job done.

“I included a link in my text to a website where you could purchase the vibrator.”

[Him]: I was expecting something like this

“He included a gif of the Incredible Hulk.”

[Me]: lol not tonight. What porn are you going to search?

[Him]: Petite Asian with a fat ass

[Me]: Are you implying that you’re going to be picturing me when you touch yourself?

[Him]: I cannot confirm nor deny. For some reason I’m really in the mood for that tonight

[Me]: Just to let you know, whatever girl you find won’t compare to me. I’m so much hotter lol

[Him]: None of these girls look like they want to suck my blood

“He included a picture of the two of us together at a bar, where we would look cute except I have my head turned and my teeth bared looking like I’m about to bite into his neck.”

[Me]: I’ll suck more than your blood

“Oh my god,” Rachel gasps from across the fire. “Are you really telling a story about how you sexted with Chandler!?!? Who says that to someone who’s not their husband?”

“I said I’d be an open book,” Phoebe says.

Monica seethes next to me in silent angry.

Phoebe continues, “It’s almost over. Save your valid criticisms and judgement until the end. He didn’t reply for a couple minutes so I sent the next text.

[Me]: FYI my vibrator is buzzing in me right now. Hopefully that visual gives you some motivation

“Unsolicited he replied with a picture of his hard penis gripped in his hand.”

[Me]: Sweet Jesus Chandler

After a few minutes he must have come, and realized what we had done, because he sent me a frantic text.

[Him]: Oh my god. I shouldn’t have sent that. I’m so sorry. Fuck I’m sorry. Please delete that. Can you please delete this whole conversation? I’m so sorry. I messed up

[Me]: Done. It never happened. Don’t worry about it. Goodnight Chandler

“So I deleted the picture and the entire conversation from the night. I’ve never told a soul about it. Never even mentioned it to Chandler. I had blocked it from my memory, until his wife started interrogating me tonight. And I said I’d be an open book, so I was an open book. That’s all the times I’ve seen your husband’s penis. Are you happy now?”

Phoebe finishes, and firmly plants herself in her chair, preparing for the barrage that’s about to be sent against her.

Oh god. Tonight is over. My marriage is over.