Facing The Past

We take our time through the dungeon as usual, letting ourselves regenerate mana in between the encounters, so as to enter the boss with the most amount of resources we can. Eventually, we mow down the last cluster of slimes and the boss spawns, thus beginning the fast portion of the dungeon.

The three of us have fought together enough by this point that we can coordinate fairly well. The boss, while not a complete cakewalk, is still fairly easy, and we manage to defeat it with minimal loss to health on our side. We all know the tells to it’s attacks by now, so dodging those is easy enough, although Ivy still needs a higher agility to pull it off consistently.

1500xp

With the XP from the boss, I’m now level 26. We pick up all the loot, which I’ll examine a little later, then we walk back home. Getting inside, I grab some items from my inventory for Ivy to eat, then I sit down on the couch to allocate my statpoints. I put the points into agility to get to the 25 point milestone, which rewards me with a window.

Not the most powerful of bonuses, but still useful. Quick reaction times could be the difference between life or **** one day, so although the milestone bonus seems relatively weak, every little bit helps. After debating what to invest my stats in next, I decide to work on wisdom again until the next bonus. I suspect it’ll be at 100, which will take me a while to get to. I would like to get my charisma higher, but I’m not satisfied with my combat capabilities yet.

As we decided before, these 5 new statpoints go into Ivy’s endurance stat, raising past the 25 threshold and triggering another window.

That’s a really nice boost, and it raises her maximum health all the way up to 285. I’m now quite satisfied with the amount of HP that she has. As always, more points between us and **** are never a bad thing. Her agility is definitely the next thing I want to work on, as she needs the speed to be able to keep up with the higher level enemies.

The stat allocation done, I turn to Mia and Ivy. “I’m not really hungry at the moment, and it’s still a little early for lunch. Want to go for another dungeon?” “I do not mind.” Ivy replies. “Actually I have a different idea. Come upstairs to the bedroom, both of you. No, we’re not fucking again.” Mia says. Ivy looks at me, and I shrug. We both follow Mia upstairs. She grabs a laptop, pushing open the door and sitting down on the bed.

Mia opens up youtube on the laptop, then hands it to me. “Alright Gemma. You’re going to show us the pop and electronic songs you used to listen to, that you told us about. We’re going to listen to them together.” That floors me. I take a few seconds to formulate a response. “Um…why?” “Because I want us to listen to them with you.” Mia replies patiently.

Hesitating for a few more seconds, then deciding to just go with it, I pick up the laptop and start to think. I go with the first song that pops into my head. S&M, by Rihanna. The song starts to play and Mia smiles encouragingly, holding my hand. Ivy takes my other hand in hers, and I look at them both, confused.

The beat starts to kick in, and Mia squeezes my hand. I’m still unsure what exactly is happening here, but I trust her, so I go with it. Mia then touches my knee and I look down, surprised to find that from my cross legged position, I’m tapping one knee along to the beat. “You don’t actually mind this song, do you?” She asks.

Rihanna starts to sing, her voice echoing from the speakers. “Feels so good being bad, oh-oh oh-oh oh! ” I shake my head. “Ugh! Yes I do. The lyrics are so shallow, there’s more to life than sex. Sing about something intelligent.” I pause the song, unable to handle it anymore, a complicated cocktail of emotions stirring within me.

Ivy touches my arm gently. “You don’t care about the lyrics. I can tell. The sounds don’t annoy you either, it’s not unpleasant music to you. These things you are saying…you don’t believe them. Why do you keep saying them?” I look at her for a few seconds, before my eyes drop. I don’t have an answer for her. “You have unpleasant memories attached to this kind of music, don’t you?” Mia nudges gently.

“No! No I don’t, it’s just…” My words trail off as I am completely unsure what to say. My stomach turns in on itself, my mind is blank, numb. My heart sinks lower in my chest and my body feels heavy. All the energy seems to drain out of me in an instant. Mia squeezes my leg gently and I become aware that my knee is moving rapidly, the muscles in my body tensed up.

“Gemma.” I look up into Mia’s eyes and she stares back at me, a sad smile on her face. “Whatever it is, stop holding it back. We’re here. You’re safe now. Stop repressing the feelings, the memories. We’re here to listen, and we’re going to help you deal with it.”

I take a deep breath in, exhaling a moment later. “Okay.” I say in a small voice. I press play on the music and close my eyes, trying to focus on what emotions it brings up in me. When I start to pay attention to the emotions I feel while listening to the music, I immediately notice something. My subconscious mind keeps trying to redirect me elsewhere. I don’t want to focus on this. I don’t want to face this.

And that makes it all the more important that I face this and figure out why I feel this way.

I feel the reassuring grip of both Ivy and Mia, on each of my hands. I take another deep breath and open my eyes. I squeeze their hands gently and notice that my eyes are tearing up. Why am I feeling this way over a random song? The answer doesn’t come immediately, only a feeling of numbness and vulnerability.

The song ends and I wordlessly type in another, the first one that comes to mind. Downtown, by Macklemore. The song starts playing and I make an effort to let my body move the way it wants to. It isn’t much, just bouncing my knee and bopping my head to the rhythm, but it fills me with a profound sense of anxiety and wrongness.

This shouldn’t be happening. I shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t listen to this song. My pulse speeds up and my breathing quickens. The void in my stomach opens up and I feel a dreaded sickening nausea, the likes of which I haven’t felt in a while. My muscles tense and my body begins to shake. I rip my hands away from my girlfriends and pause the music.

“I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this.” I repeat, drawing my arms in and looking down, the shaking growing more pronounced. A beat later, I feel Ivy’s arms wrapping around me. “Oh Gemma, what happened to you? I can feel the emotions this brings up in you…life was not kind to you, was it?” I shake my head, barely able to speak. “No…it wasn’t…”

I look at Mia, and her face reflects a mixture of sadness, empathy and curiosity. Something about her expression brings a surge of energy in me. I straighten up, Ivy letting go of me. I shove my emotions aside and wipe away the wetness in my eyes. “That’s in the past. I’m better now. I need to be better. Move on and enjoy the present.” I assert firmly.

Without waiting for a response, I grab the laptop and type in another song. Of Fire, by Dismember. I turn the volume up louder and let the song play, the heavy sound of the guitar and fast rhythms calming my racing heart, clearing my mind. I take a deep breath and exhale, letting a deep sense of calm spread through my body.

After a minute or so of the song playing, I pause it, looking back at them both. “I’m good now. Want to have some lunch?” Mia smiles at me gently, touching my arm. “You expect too much of yourself Gemma. You can’t just ‘be better’. Whatever it is that’s bringing up these painful emotions…you haven’t allowed yourself to properly deal with it.”

“I saw the way that this song helped you. Music was a coping mechanism for you, wasn’t it?” I sigh and nod. “It always has been.” “And electronic music upsets you?” I sigh again, looking down once more. “Yes.” “Why?” I look inside myself, searching for the answer that I know to be there, but that I just don’t want to admit to myself. “It upsets me because it brings up painful memories, but its deeper than that.”

Ivy squeezes me gently, and I wrap one arm around her for comfort. I let the words flow out of my mouth, letting my emotions and my subconscious guide my speech. “I don’t just associate pop and electronic music with painful memories, I associate it with painful times in my life, and vulnerability.” As soon as its verbalised, I realise the truth of what I’m saying. I let it all out.