The Past

“My childhood was very difficult. I got bullied a lot and ostracised in school for being the weird kid. Nobody could ever tell me what exactly I was doing that was so weird, and so I constantly felt that there was something profoundly wrong with me. I didn’t fit in with many people, that much was for sure. I didn’t talk like others, I never had the same understanding of society that others did.”

“I conceptualised the world differently, I talked about it differently. I was always called a bright kid in school, told that I had a bright future ahead of me. But between the bullying and my not so great home life, it was difficult to see it. Still, I had dreams. I wanted to make the world a better place. I taught myself university level science at a young age.”

“Just the basic parts of it, not everything of course. But I was determined that I wanted to be an inventor. I wanted to build technology that would change the course of human history and lead to an age of peace the likes of which the world had never seen.” “What happened?” Ivy asks. I sigh again as I let the memories flow through me.

“I lost faith in people. I connected with a lot of people online and I started to realise just how much pain and suffering there truly is in the world. I looked around me in high school and saw people doing horrible things to one another…traumatising each other, stepping on each other emotionally without a care in the world.”

“I knew that what I saw around me was the tip of the iceberg. The more stories I heard, stories of people being abused in all kinds of different ways, by their peers, by their friends, by their families…it hadn’t clicked at that point that my parents were abusive too, but this felt more real and impactful somehow.”

“Besides, I was never….violated in the same way that others were.” I shudder at the memories. “It was horrible, and I couldn’t handle the suffering. The more I found, the more I lost faith in the goodness of people. The more I lost faith in people, the more I shut myself off from everything. The more I lost faith in the goodness of people, the more I looked on others in disdain.”

“I had to be better. I had to be better than those who used and abused others without a care, leaving nothing but misery and destruction in their wake. I could not fix society, I knew there was no possible way I could. No amount of asking people to be better could change that some people just do not care. I couldn’t change the world, but I could hide from it. Experience what I wanted to in this life, and then just…end it for myself.”

“So I laser focused on what I wanted to do. I was bored with school at this point. I hated it there. I hated it at home. I hated everything about my life and I never felt safe. I had so much disdain and hatred for society that I just wanted to run from it all. I had a lot of dark thoughts at that point, but I was fixated on getting away from everything.”

“I got a job as soon as I was legally allowed to. I took on as much work as I could and saved every cent I had. It was hard and I was exhausted constantly, but I kept pushing. I never stopped, never allowed myself a break. I knew that one day, through all of this hard work, I would be able to get where I wanted to be: a wooden cabin in a land far away, among the snowy mountains of Northern Europe.”

“The money you spent on that ice magic spell book? It was your savings from that time, wasn’t it?” Mia probes gently. I nod in response. “I had a plan and stuck to it, for the years I needed to. I hardened my heart to everything. I would have nightly breakdowns in my room, anxiety attacks whenever the weight of the world’s suffering crossed my mind.”

“I would sit on my bed for an hour or more, shaking and spasming uncontrollably. It felt like what I’d imagine a seizure could be. I couldn’t eat much, because of the nauseating anxious feeling I had in my stomach, 24/7. It never went away, and it was a struggle to even eat one meal most days. I lost a lot of weight and never slept well.”

“Music became my coping mechanism. It was how I hardened my heart. It was how I got through everything. As much as it became my coping mechanism, it also became my armour. My shield. People don’t mess with you if they’re scared of you. It’s not hard to convince people to be scared of you when they already think you’re weird, and you blast music that involves demonic sounding screaming.”

“I had to be better than them, and better than I was. I was always pushing myself to be better, and while I’ve gotten a bit better at not being so hard on myself now, I still find it difficult sometimes. Metal music became my solace, and it became a symbol to me of living a lifestyle that was different from all the pain and suffering that seemed commonplace in the world.”

“And just as much as metal music became a symbol of strength and prosperity, pop and electronic music became a symbol of weakness, vulnerability and mediocrity. I didn’t want to be like everybody else, and I didn’t want to be weak. I wanted to be stronger and better.”

“So I repressed my enjoyment of the music, told myself that I hated it. I’m afraid to listen to that music because I’m afraid to be **** in that way. I don’t want to let those feelings out, those memories from the dark places I spent most of the latter half of my childhood in. I don’t want to be ****. I want to be strong and focus on the future, because that’s what matters, not the past.”

“That music reminds me of dark times and difficult feelings that I would rather not think about. I don’t want to face them and I don’t think I need to. I’m here now, with the both of you. My life is better and I have better people around me. I have an opportunity to do some good in the world and legitimately make the world a better place for those who need it, and I don’t think I should be wasting all of that by hanging onto a past that does not exist anymore.”

By this point, Ivy has separated slightly from me and is just holding my hand, staring off into the distance, seeming to be contemplating everything that I’ve just said. Mia embraces me tightly, and pulls my head into her chest. “I’m so, so sorry that you went through that stuff Gemma. It’s horrible, and nobody should experience that, let alone somebody as kind hearted as you.”

She rubs my back and strokes my hair gently, and a tear rolls down my cheek. I wrap my arms around her and cuddle her back, taking comfort in the loving embrace of my amazing girlfriend. I’m not sure how long we sit there for, completely in silence. I feel numb. I need time to process the feelings and the words that just came out of my mouth.

Eventually we separate and I look at Mia. “Thank you.” I tell her in a small voice, barely managing to keep my voice from cracking. She smiles gently at me. “You’re always welcome Gemma.” I turn to look at Ivy, who is still staring off into the distance, seemingly completely zoned out.

I put a hand on her shoulder and she jumps at the contact, the spell broken. She looks at me, her eyes wet from tears. That comes as a surprise to me, I didn’t know she was capable of producing tears. “Are you alright?” I ask her. Her lip quivers slightly, and she swallows once before replying. “Why was the world so cruel to you? Why…what did you do to deserve that? You-”

Ivy chokes on her words as a sob racks through her body. I pull her in and she clutches me tightly, crying into my chest. We fall back gently on the bed and Mia wraps her arms around Ivy from behind. Ivy’s sobs are uncontrollable, her shoulders shake and her breathing comes in ragged gasps. She tries to speak and I gently shush her, stroking her hair.

After a few minutes, she looks up at me. “I’m sorry Gemma, this is about you, not me. I-” I put a finger to her lips gently. “We’re in this together. It’s okay. I love you.” She smiles sadly at me, sitting up. Mia and I sit up after her, and I take a hand from each of them in my own.

“I just don’t understand Gemma. I cannot fathom how people can be so mean. How there is so much suffering in the world, why did you get mistreated so badly? I can’t understand why.” “Unfortunately, that’s the way the world is. People aren’t nice, especially to others who they don’t understand. It sucks, but it’s kinda the way that it is sometimes, if you follow.” Mia explains gently.

Ivy shakes her head slowly. “The cruelty is unimaginable. What is the purpose for it?” “There often is none. It just is.” I squeeze her hand softly. She grimaces at me, still unsure how to comprehend this new aspect of life. “I guess the world isn’t all good. I knew this already but….hearing what you have been through makes it much more real.”

“My love, what you experienced….I am so sorry.” Ivy says, wiping some of the wetness from her eyes. “It’s alright. I’m better now.” I tell her, smiling. “That’s the thing Gem, you aren’t. You haven’t healed from this. You’re pushing it aside and expecting yourself to be okay. I know that was your survival mechanism, but it’s not a thriving mechanism.” Mia says, letting go of my hand and touching my arm gently.

“If you want to heal from this properly, you need to face it. You need to face the memories, the trauma and the emotions and everything. You need to acknowledge it and let go, so you can move forward. It sounds like listening to this music is the way to do that.” I nod slowly, sighing. “I just…some part of me wants me to be stronger than that. I shouldn’t need to do this, you know? I should be able to just be okay.”

“Honey, nobody can just ‘be okay’. It takes time, patience and effort. Acknowledging that and going through the healing process is not weakness. Healing from such awful trauma in a healthy manner is one of the hardest things you can do, and it takes true strength to really be able to do that. Anybody can distract themselves, sometimes with okay coping mechanisms, and sometimes really really unhealthy ones.”

“But to face your problems head on, refusing to back down and let your trauma define you? That takes a strong person. You ARE a strong person and you have what it takes to do this.” I smile at her. “Thank you Mia.” Ivy squeezes my hand gently. “We’re here for you. We will get through this together.”

“I love you both, so so much.” I tell them, embracing them both. No further words are needed. I know they love me just as much as I love them. I trust them with my whole heart, and I know that they’ll help me process the trauma that I went through in my childhood.

I take a deep breath and grab the laptop, going to the song from before. Downtown, by Macklemore. “That first song, S&M was just a random song I thought of. This one though, it’s a bit more significant to me. One of the only happy memories I have with my parents is singing along to this song.” I tell them, now that I’ve resolved to stop holding everything back.

“Then we’ll listen to it together. Make new memories and help you process the grief and the trauma from that period of your life.” Mia replies. She snuggles up to me on my left, while Ivy cuddles my right side. I kiss them both in turn, take a deep breath again and press play on the song, starting the process of going back through all my old music and memories, to heal from it all.