Phoebe’s worst

“So I’ve been with a lot of guys. And before you ask, no I don’t know the number. And inexperience isn’t always a bad thing. I’ve been with plenty of virgins who had given good sex, because they listen and are willing to learn.

“The worst sex is from guys who think they fucking know everything. The guys who won’t take advice ignore the shit out of me. I know what I like just give it to me. If I tell you to rub my clit while I’m riding you, you better do it.”

She jabs her finger at me.

“I’ll do whatever you tell me,” I say. “As long as it doesn’t twist my body like a pretzel.”

“I was hooking up with this one guy, and he took his thumb and jabbed it into the inside of my thigh. He wiggled it around like he was doing something besides giving me a circular bruise. And he kept asking, ‘You like that baby? You like that?’ I was young and didn’t want to be rude, if this happened today I would say ‘Stop dumbass, but I was young so I try to redirect his hand to the right spot. But the idiot kept pulling it away and bringing it back to my thigh.

“So despite being naked and horny, I acted like I just got a text and it was an emergency and left. If he was that bad at foreplay, the sex was going to be awful. The dude was definitely going to protest wearing a condom, probably because he didn’t know how to put one on.”

Fuck. I have a realization. “I hope Joey is wearing a condom. Monica isn’t on birth control,” I say.

“Oh shit,” Phoebe says, sitting up. “Joey hasn’t worn condoms since he proposed, which is why I got pregnant before the wedding. He’s definitely raw dogging your wife right now.”

“Oh fuck,” I say, jumping off the bed. I don’t know what I’m going to accomplish; he’s probably already come in her multiple times, but I at least have to make an effort. I should trust my wife to take care of herself, but I’m drunk and she’s drunk. I don’t want this night to lead to a pregnancy. I have to stop this. I can’t be a step dad to Joey’s kid.

I sprint across the living room and slam into the bedroom door, ignoring the knob and just bust the frame. That’s going to be a fine on our bill. The door flies open.