Is that music Piper's hearing?

The important thing wasn't who this guy was who looked vaguely like the Mr. Hattler she knew, nor whatever competition he, like Faul before him, mistakenly seemed to think she wanted to join. No, the important thing was... "Mr. Hattler... might that be muffled music? Stifled song?"

The innkeeper gave her a hearty laugh. "Sure is, ma'am! It just wouldn't be the famous Hattler Tavern without a live band, after all! Ha ha ha!"

Now Piper had too many questions to settle on just one. "Famous Hattler Tavern? Live band? What... This is still, um, the Hattler Inn, correct? And you are Henrick Hattler, correct? And I am still Piper Farrhenway, correct?"

The man raised an eyebrow at her, although he kept his merry smile. "Well, yes to all, ma'am, only I wouldn't know the last one to tell you. Are you Piper Farrhenway? And should I put you down to compete? Registrations are still open, of course, especially for a pretty young lady such as yourself." As he spoke, the portly man leaned over on one side to grab a standing blackboard it seemed he was in the process of filling out. Piper could make out the words "DANCE COMPETITION" and "UNDER 25," and she saw there were already a couple of names on it, but she didn't care to read more, anyhow. "Lessee... P-I-P-E-R... Do you mind helping me with the last name?"

Piper had had almost all she could stand. "Ugh, Uncle Hattler, it's me! Auntie Eri's precious Pippy! I was planning on singing for my supper and sleeping space, but now I've found you've expanded and even entertain a bully band! Bollocks! How is a bleeding bard to catch coin...?"

Recognition dawned on his face, his eyes momentarily sharpening behind his glasses to the form she remembered. "Pippy...! Haha, what a lovely young under-twenty-five year old you've become! You've grown so tall, and confident, and... shapely!"

"Ho ho! You're cutting a close corner to creepy there, Unc." Piper told him frankly, working hard to seem amiable in light of the circumstances. "Whilst we're waxing and wondering of each other's transformations, try telling me howst thou got so heavy, Henrick Hattler!"

The man smiled... His glasses shined, and she thought she saw some of his old sternness return. "Very well, Pippy... Mm, Ms. Farrhenway, that is. Sit a spell, and I'll tell you the story of the miraculous gift Geod granted me."

Piper glanced around for a seat. His was the only stool in the hall. Shifting on her aching legs with a twitching smile, Piper tried to interrupt. "Um, Uncle, perhaps we might partake of this backstory over beer and bratwurst? Especially if it will be a yawning yarn-"

"I remember the night that changed everything... My business. My outlook. My life. It was just after celebrating your Auntie's twenty-seventh birthday, ironically enough. We'd just finished a night of love-making-"

"Skip!"

"-Your Auntie is quite skilled with her mouth, you know-"

"Skip, damn you, Uncle!"

"- Anyway, she was skillful as ever, but there was no joy in it. Hadn't been any joy in our lovemaking or our life in two years. You know. Since she was twenty-five."

"Uh-huh. I'm perceiving the pattern plainly."

"I suppose she still got something out of it, but for me, like every night, I slept cold, miserable. I counted your eighteen-to-twenty-four-year-old aunts to try to get to sleep. It was useless. I realized I would, alas, never again be blessed again with a twenty-five year old wife, in the prime of her blossoming womanhood-"

"What a wastrelous windbag!"

"- And, as such, I would never be happy, even if I could bring her happiness. I considered divorce-"

"What a blithering bastard!"

"- But I was sure our union was good in the eyes of Geod. It pleased him, and it pleased her. I was the only one without pleasure. In the long nights, when she was asleep, I found myself praying: Why, Geod?! Why must a wife be older than eighteen but younger than twenty-five for such a terribly short portion of her marriageable life?! Will I be cursed to work forever as a miserable inn-keep, without the pleasure of encountering any beautiful older teens or young adults?!"

"What a pathetic prayer!"

"It was that night, an angel of Geod came to me in a dream. A beautiful angel with long, flowing golden hair, and the perfectly perky breasts of a woman in her early twenties-"

"What a blasphemous man-boy!"

"This angel gave me a mission. I was to lay the groundwork for something truly great. She told me that a great change was to take place in Merridan, and that my mission was to create a tavern. A tavern that would act as a stage for a great awakening to Geod's true plan for Merridan and its people... And, most importantly... a tavern blessed with-"

""Eighteen-to-twenty-five-year-old women!"" As Hattler said it, Piper joined him with sarcastic enthusiasm.

"As such, I have kept Geod's will in my heart, confident he will provide and fulfill his promise. Don't you see, Ms. Farrhenway? That day has finally come!"

The songstress groaned, her knees shaking from standing and listening to the proprietor's pitiful story. "I'm so horridly happy you lucked upon your lot in life, Uncle, but I'm seriously starving! Might I trouble you for a trifling munchie?"

... Piper seemed to have found the switch to turn her Uncle back into his old, taciturn self. "Huh?! Ms. Farrhenway, I haven't successfully built my Geod-promised tavern and sanctuary by handing out food for free. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you, if you can't pay."

"You porky pench-pinny!" Piper whined, sinking from her feet to her knees with her stomach growling. "Uuugh, why did I dilly-dally daring you to dither on, and how can you heartlessly hope to have me dance in your dinky dive? Can you not comprehend I am close to collapse?"

Mr. Hattler sighed, marking on his chalkboard with a pitying face. "I suppose I could scrounge you up some peanuts, Pippy. You've become such a lovely and full-figured roughly-twenty-year-old I'd hoped you'd learned to fend for yourself, but if you'll wait for me to finish greeting contestants a while longer, I'll fetch you a handout." He set the blackboard down beside him, displaying a new message in huge block letters: "ALL CONTESTANTS GET FREE FOOD AND DRINK." "You're a grown woman, and if you don't feel like entertaining an old man and his friends, I understand, but it sure would please your old Uncle to see you choosing your own lot in life and making your own way."

Piper's eyes moved from the shameless sign to her shameless uncle and back as she gave him a wry grin. This guy was just too much. There was no way she was going to give up her pride and justify this guy's low-life back story and "promise from Geod" for a basket of peanuts.

Her uncle glanced away moodily, continuing with his monologue as if to himself. "As for me, I made my own way, starting from a small bar with a few stools and some bad ale to a relatively posh and popular tavern, full of comfortable seats, my famous barbecue-slathered Hattler Burgers topped with crisp fried onions, and top-shelf brews of all kinds on tap-"

"F-A-R-R-H-E-N-W-A-Y!~" Piper sang, her practiced pose and serene expression stained by the drool trickling from the corner of her lower lip as her stomach rumbled loudly. "That's how you spell my last name! Now, is there perhaps some plate I must place my pride in before I bust into your bar and dance for my dinner?"

"Oh, Pippy! I knew you'd make the right decision!" Her jolly, shining Uncle returned, wiggling excitedly in his seat as he jotted her name down. "There's just one thing you need to do! Won't even be a big deal at all, then you can eat and drink all you like until the competition starts proper!"

"... Ah, goodie. From your flawlessly fine and righteously respectable rambling till now, I'm top-certain tis'll prove perfectly appropriate."