Drunk Ross

Ross drunkenly stumbles out of his door and walks to the bathroom. Monica and Joey freeze. Once he’s in the bathroom, Monica says, “Hide! Don’t let him see us.”

Joey flips over the couch and lands on the ground next to me with a thud. He groans loudly. I hear Monica loudly shush. Joey looks up and sees me right next to him. I put my finger to my mouth. I hear the toilet flush and Ross stumble out of the bathroom.

His footsteps stop and I hear him ask, “Who is under the blanket on the couch?”

Monica answers, “It’s me. Chandler was snoring so I thought it’d be more quiet out here. I didn’t predict your loud pissing though.”

Ross says, “I’m sorry I woke you. And I’m sorry about tonight. Hopefully I didn’t come off as creepy. I just think you’re a very attractive woman.”

“Thank you Ross. No worries.” I can tell she’s trying to end the conversation.

Ross keeps going, “Sometimes you get tired of eating the same meal every night. Even if that meal is fantastic. Rachel is such a great fancy dinner, but you are a different kind of snack.”

Monica says, “Did you just say your wife is a steak dinner and I’m a hostess cupcake?”

“Oh shit. No, no, no, no,” he tries to recover. “I’m just saying your personalities and bodies are so different.”

“How are we different Ross?” Monica asks. She must be pissed he ruined her orgasm.

Ross fumbles, and I hear the floor creak as he steps closer to Monica. “You have a lot of desirable attributes that Rachel doesn’t have. You’re outspoken. You have strong opinions. You stand up for yourself.”

“Okay. You’re just saying the same things over and over again. I want to hear about my body. What do you like about it?”

Joey and I look at each other. Is Monica flirting with Ross?

We hear Ross take another step closer. “I love your curves.”

“Tell me more. Which curves and what do you love about them?”

“You have such great hips. When you walk, I can tell that you know how to use them. I bet you’re wild when you’re on top. And I love your ass. I thank God every time I get to walk behind you. It’s so big and thick. I have to put my hands in my pockets to keep from smacking it. I fantasize about what it would look like if I was giving you back shots.”

“You don’t care about the curves I have on top? I thought you were a boob guy.” I hear Monica sit up and we can see the back of her head. She tosses the blanket she had wrapped around her onto the back of the couch. I know that Ross is seeing my wife totally nude.

He says, “Holy fuck Monica. I’m so sorry. In my imagination, I could never picture your tits being so perfect. That’s all on me. Fuck. I love your nipples. You are sexy.” He steps closer and closer. “Mind if I touch them?”