Adam, who goes straight for his favorite actress

I happened to be watching Jimmy Kimmel that night when Brie Larson filled in for him and an EDP knocked the bitch up on live TV. I was balls deep in my babysitter's mouth at the time -- even though I'd just turned eighteen, my parents kept hiring Sara to act as a cumdump whenever they left me home alone -- but seeing the casual confidence with which that guy used and abused one of the hottest feminist bitches in Hollywood awakened something in me. My mind swam with visions of A-list actresses, all of whom I realized were mine for the taking if only I could meet them. When the Take-A-Bitch Foundation came around, I was surprised how hard it was to pick just one.