Wish Upon a Star

You sit down at your desk and carefully unwrap the newest addition to your room décor. You set the lamp down on your desk and position it where you'd like it. "Damn, this thing is dirty!" you think to yourself. You drag your finger along the lamp, holding it up in front of you to see just how dirty the lamp really is.

"Yo, the fuck year is it?"

You jump out of your chair and see a big, blue, legless man floating in the middle of your room. "Who the hell are you?!"

"I'm your fairy fuckin' godmother. Now, what fuckin' year is it?"

"How did you get in here?!" you shout.

"You rubbed my lamp, figure it out. Now, what year is it?"

"Wait, so... you're a-"

He cuts you off. "A genie, yes, now tell me what fuckin' year it is before I float on over there and Rock yo ass!"

"It's 2022." you answer.

"Yooooo, when I find that bitch I'mma kill her."

"Who?" you ask, completely clueless.

He paces around the room, clearly on edge. "Jess. Said she'd have me out of that lamp in five years. Guess the bitch decided to take her damn time. 24 years! I'mma fuckin' kill a bitch when I find her." He looks at you. "Aight, here's how this is gonna go. I'mma give you three wishes, and if I like what I see, I'll keep the wishes comin' one way or another. I've been trapped out in the cosmos or some shit for 24 years, and I wanna see some action. Since I'm stuck with you, you'll have to do."

"So, what, you want me to rob a bank or something?"

He laughs. "Yeah, if you plan on literally fucking the hostages. I want to see a chick get railed. I don't even care how, just make it happen. If I like what I see, you'll get more wishes. Or you could be a little bitch and blow your three wishes on non-sexually gratifying things, but you're not a little bitch, right?"