The True Adventure

This is the realm of Maldingog, a fantastical plane of existence teeming with magic and monsters, champions and villains, doom and triumph! Adventurers of all kinds explore this land, slaying beasts, rescuing the innocent, and defeating evil! This is...not the story of one of them. Nah, we'll be following an absolute failure of an adventurer for this one, guys. They've tried their damnedest but by golly, they haven't a fuckin' clue what they're doing. Not one. It's been a misery since they started and they desperately need some assistance.

Our story begins with said shite adventurer plodding away from yet another shite adventure, head and spirits lower than they've ever been. Our melancholy mercenary has come to the difficult realization that they just can't keep doing this sort of thing on their own anymore. They need help.

Who is our ailing adventurer? Whom do they seek out for guidance? Is that guidance any good? Are you done with these fucking questions? Read on and find out!