Miracle Pills

Valentino Amorosi usually didn’t have bad days.

In school, he was all but a celebrity; prefect, straight-a student, captain of every sports team the gym teacher could sign him up for. And outside of school was no different. He had this suave, yet rugged charm (lent in part by his Italian heritage) that made the ladies swoon. His jawline could cut diamonds, and his bronze abs seemed like a Roman statue come to life. In all cases, he shouldn’t have ever had a bad day at all.

But Valentino had a secret. A two-and-a-half-inch secret.

He’d managed to keep it hidden for the longest time. Sure, his parents knew about it, and his father seemed to think it made him less of a man, and never let him forget it. Sure, even his virgin sister made fun of it after she walked in on him in the bathroom (“That’s not half as big as the one they showed in health class!”). Sure, he always had to play hard-to-get so the hot chick who flirted with him wouldn’t see his tiny prick, and he was 19 but hadn’t even laid with a girl once, even as his friends had been doing it since 16.

But that didn’t matter. What mattered was keeping his little secret, well, secret, and the rest would be easy.

Until that house party. Underage drinking is a bitch.

Suddenly, he woke up the next morning with a pounding headache and a phone exploding with messages because his dumb choices had gotten him in bed with only the Alpha Bitch, Vanessa Campbell, the most vicious and sought-after girl on campus. And she had taken plenty of pictures.

His life was over.

Unless…

Something came to mind, a stray advertisement he’d found on some sketchy website. He’d ignored it at the time, thinking it was simply clickbait or malware. However, if there was some tiny chance it was true…

He jumped onto his computer, scouring his history for the site and making a mental note to delete his searches later. The name was rather recognisable, so he quickly it, and fortunately the ad was still there. He sucked in a breath and clicked on it.

What he found was a rather dodgy website, complete with an outdated layout and plenty of hyperlinks. He read the terribly-formatted description (written in comic sans, so you could tell it was legitimate). It said:

Having problems with your pecker? Need some bigger boobs? Never fear, Wily Willy’s extensive range of InstaGro products is here to save the day! Simply choose your product, purchase, and it will arrive within the day! Plus, with our no-refund guarantee, you can trust that your money be well handled. We have a qualified team of experts on hand at all times to help you with your queries.

Would you like to proceed to our product list?

Well, it was worth a try, wasn’t it? Valentino clicked on the catalogue.

There was a reasonable selection of products, some ranging from the normal, breast enlargements and so forth, to the oddly specific, like growing acid green pubic hair. But, for today, he just stuck to the penis enlargement pills.

Surprisingly, they were only $10 for a bottle of 30, with free shipping and guaranteed same-day delivery. He laughed as he bought them. Was it really that easy?

“Valentino? Are you ready yet?”

His mother’s voice startled him from his thoughts. Oh shit, he had to give a speech to the prospective parents and students. And the tour! He dragged a hand down his face. He’d already bought the pills, but there was no way he’d be home when they arrived. But there was also no way the golden child of the school could skip this event. He groaned. He just had to hope no-one else in his family would find them first.

“Valentino Amorosi, you had better get your ass down here in 5 seconds, or you can drive yourself to school!”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming!”

Valentino sighed. He quickly threw on some clothes, shut his computer, and hurried downstairs.

An unmarked van pulled up outside the Amorosi house. A woman got out, clipboard in one hand and a white jar in the other. She carefully walked up to the door and knocked.

No reply.

She knocked again. “Hello? Is anybody home? I have a package for Valentino Amorosi!”

No-one came.

She sighed. “It’ll probably be fine if I just left it on the doorstep, right?” she mumbled to herself. “Plus, who’s gonna care if one customer doesn’t sign? Ain’t my problem.”

She carefully sat the jar down next to the doormat, listening as the pills inside rattled around. Then she walked back down the path, got back into her van, and drove away.

All that was left was for someone to find them.