dinner with the clampettes

It took some convincing but the following weekend we headed to her parents home. When we left she seemed excited to finally have someone willing to meet her parents, but the closer we got the more visibly anxious she became.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" I asked.

"They already know we're coming." She shifted so she was laying her head in my lap, "It's too late now." She muttered the last bit under her breath. I did my best to relax her by stroking her hair until she drifted off to sleep.

The drive was long and mostly boring. Bridget lived only one state away and it was cheaper to just drive and we would spend more time waiting to take off than it would take to get there. It was just so mind-numbingly boring.

We finally reached her home, it was nothing like I imagined. Of course, I was imagining something out of deliverance or at the very least that Cletus guy from the Simpsons. But no, it was a perfectly normal two-story house, it was almost lovely for an antebellum inspired house.

I shook her gently to wake her as we pulled up in the driveway. "Oh boy." She wiped the drool from her lip and I could swear she almost smiled. She checked her hair and makeup and sniffed her breath. "Ready?"

"I suppose so."

Before we could reach the door it opened and a beautiful redhead bounced outside and nearly tackled Bridget to the porch. "Bridget!" the girl squealed picking the smaller Bridget off her feet.

"Nat-Natalie! I can't breathe!"

"Sorry." She smiled as she let Bridget down.

"Nat you've gotten so...big." Natalie smiled as she twisted and turned in place. Natalie was six inches taller than Bridget and at least two cup sizes bigger than Bridget. Her tight crop top truly emphasizing the difference in size.

"It happened a few months ago." She smiled and I wondered what growth spurt she was talking about.

"I know you must be happy." Bridget giggled. "Oh," she seemed to suddenly remember I was standing right next to this strange display, "this is my boyfriend, Richard."

"Well hello." She offered me her hand which I shook awkwardly. "I like him." She purred.

"Down girl."

"Maybe later," I swear she winked at me, "anyway momma and daddy are inside." Natalie wiggled her hips as she took us by the arm and we walked into the house.

"I see she couldn't wait." An older woman said not bothering to look towards us as she set a pot of something good smelling on a table. Turning around it was like watching a model turn on the catwalk. "Hello, you must be Richard. I'm Mary." Mary was very beautiful in general but absolutely stunning for her age. Bridget told me her mother was nearly fifty but she didn't look a day over thirty. A very fit and healthy thirty.

"It's nice to meet you. Both."

"Where's daddy?" Bridget asked.

"He's washing up for dinner, I guess time got away from him. You know how he can be."

"Daddy's a real clean freak," Natalie told me in a loud whisper.

"He's not a clean freak. He just likes being clean. There's a difference. It's subtle, but it's there." Mary countered. "But never you fear, he said we could start without him if he was late."

We gathered around the table and some shepherd's pie, "Oh my God this is so good." I blurted out. The sisters giggled and Mary smiled, "I'm sorry."

"Oh please, if it feels good shout it to the rooftops." I was about to ask what that meant exactly when two male models walked in and sat down at the table. I realized the older looking man must be Bridget's father and the younger one was...her brother? Good lord, what was with everyone in this family? It's like they stepped out of a Sears catalog.

"Sorry, we're late. We lost track of time."

"As always." Natalie sniggered into her glass.

"You must be Richard?" He asked.

"I am." We shook hands as I happened to be sitting next to him.

"I'm Howard. This is my son, Billy. Also known as Bridget and Natalie's brother."

"Better known as Bill." He corrected the use of a childish nickname.

"Don't mind Billy," Natalie emphasized the name he clearly disliked, "He's mad he's the ugly twin." Bill rolled his eyes.

"Oh, so you're twins?" Beyond a family resemblance, I couldn't find many similarities. "You look nothing alike."

"Thanks." Both answered simultaneously thinking it was a compliment to the other and brushing their hair back at the same time. I was starting to see the similarities.

We spoke more over dinner and found out Howard was an architect and Bill was training to be a boxer and physical therapist while Natalie was a 'free agent' whatever that meant. After dinner I was stuffed like never before and sat on the front porch while Bridget and Natalie were busy doing 'girl stuff' in her room. "Hey." Bill sat in a rocker next to me.

"Hey."

"Enjoyed dinner?"

"Oh yeah. How you're not all tubs of lard I can't figure out." Bill laughed.

"It takes a bit of work." We sat for a minute watching the sun set over the trees. "So I take it Bridget told you the family secret?"

"Uh, yeah. She did."

"And you're...okay with it?"

"I'll admit at first I was...confused..but you're all so nice. I think yeah."

I suddenly felt a hand pull the back of my head and before I could react lips were pressed against mine in a sensual kiss. I pushed away from Bill, nearly falling on the floor as I shot out of the chair. "What the hell man?!"

"You said you were okay with it."

"With what? I'm not gay!"

"Neither am I."

"Then why did you kiss me?"

"We're bi."

"What do you mean we?"

He looked at me like I was the crazy one who just assaulted him with a kiss, "Our family doesn't limit our attraction to one gender. It gives us better options."

"Whatever that means! Look, even if I was..that way I'm with Bridget!"

"Oh Bridget knows."

"What?"

"We've shared boyfriends before. Hell, she's shared some of my girlfriends."

"Just..." I stormed back inside.