You really think I’m going to tell you? Who sent you to ask me these questions anyway?

Eric is completely on board and you make plans for carrying out the scheme tomorrow night. You get home, crack open a beer, and turn on Riverdale, idly noting that you probably should change the sheets. It’s been a long couple of days and you’ve gotten way more cardio than you’re used to. You’re asleep within minutes. You don’t usually remember your dreams, but tonight is different.

You see Eve taking the apple through the eyes of the serpent, her sloped brow and dusky skin somehow the epitome of sexuality. It’s the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, but by the time the seeds pass through her foul mortal system the corruption will be complete, and your master plan will be well underway.

You are Eris at the feast, lobbing the Golden Apple at the feet of those that snubbed you. Those bitches will **** each other over exactly who the “Fairest” is. Who gives a shit if a bunch of mortals die. Chaos is FUN!

Aphrodite presents you with the Apple she has won when you, Paris, judged her Fairest. It will be the perfect present for your bride, Helen. Now you just have to go to Sparta and either seduce or kidnap her.

You watch with a gleam in your eye as Troy falls and your husband Menelaus comes to claim you. So many men have died for your amusement. Yours is the face that launched a thousand ships. Chaos is FUN!

Idunn makes her way into the forest... into your trap. You’ve cut a deal with the jotun Thjazi, and you, Loki, want to be here to watch as he takes her. And you know exactly where her ash casket is. And the damn golden apples.

You watch your horde bed down for the night through the eyes of Temujin. You know that it is your destiny to conquer the world. The old seer who gave you the basket of winter apples foretold that the loyalty of your men and women would set you in the heavens. Earlier tonight you watched as your old friend Jamukha died by his wish and your order. He had betrayed you and challenged your rule, but was in turn betrayed to you by his own men. You attempted to offer him your friendship once again, but he spurned you saying that there could be only one sun in the sky. Already your men are referring to you as “Universal Ruler”... Genghis Khan.

You sit in the palace at Issus gazing with lust at Strateria. Her daughters are also quite beautiful, as is your rival’s mother. How Darius could have abandoned them to flee for his life is a mystery to you. And you believe you see the sparkle in all of their eyes that tells you they are willingly yours for the taking. You speak: “The family of Darius the third are to be treated as royalty. So I, Alexander of Macedonia decree on this day.” Dropping your voice you beckon to Strateria and her daughters, and they crawl to your feet. It’s good to be the king.

Bill has undoubtedly made a deal with Scratch himself. There’s no other conceivable way he could be so damn popular that his plays are selling out both to the aristocracy and the commoners. Rumor even has it that he’s managed to bed Glorianna, but you can’t figure for the life of you why he’d have wanted to. Unless it so he could say “I fucked the Queen”. Hey, that’s an idea. You pen the title The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus, by Christopher Marlow.

Her name is Pauline. She’s the wife of one of your junior officers, but that does little to slake your lust. Your own wife is having an affair, the least you can do is reciprocate. You stroke the flower of her womanhood as she lies before you naked as the day she was born. “Oh, Napoleon!” she cries...

You’ve only ever been interested in women for the power they can bring and their unique ability to bear children. Heinrich is a damn fine looking man though. His wife Marga is in the other room, but you just have to touch this beautiful cold statue. You stroke the tower of his manhood and he responds vocally. “Oh Adolph!”