You feel like garbage

As the carriage enters the city's main gates, you feel a wave of nausea as your body feels almost a thousand pounds heavier. Your mind feels sluggish while the passive burning you get from sitting near Tomoko spontaneously intensifies. You tense up, doing your best to look natural from the surge in pain as you spot Ruya suffering similar effects as you. Her ashen face is now a feverish red color while her normally silent breathing has become **** and ragged. She clutches her fist as she too stiffens up, **** to avoid looking unnatural like you.

"Ruya, you don't look that good. Are you okay?" You ask, the words on your lips feeling like they were passing through molasses as you tried to speak at a normal pace. You almost sound drunk as the dragonkin waves her hand dismissively at you to dispel your worries.

"I'm fine..." She grumbles, slurring her words as her eyes went cloudy. She begins trembling as Elmeria begins casting spells on her, layering buff after buff on her until the dragonkin was at least somewhat cognizant. You, on the other hand, got to suffer in silence. Eventually, Tomoko speaks up, her words far more painful than usual to your body.

"Kolderia is a special place. It weakens all monsters regardless of family to 1/100 their usual strength while empowering those with holy attributes by that much." She explains as you feel the uncontrollable urge to throw Citrinas out the carriage for taking you here. "For dark or undead type monsters, this debuff increases another 50 fold." She continues as you continue to glare at Citrinas even harder, hoping you could burn a hole in her from sheer anger. She said she wanted to level you up and use you as her potion/sex factory. Why did she think bringing you along to this city was a good idea!? Judging by the look on her face, this was news to her as well. Considering she had the tendency to fixate solely on her own interests and ignore everything else, she might have known and promptly forgotten since the city had no effect on a mage like her. For a monster like you, it was hell.

"Verdi? You don't look that good either. Are you okay?" Tomoko asks, spotting just how fatigued and feverish you looked. You stiffen, giving another sour look at her while crossing your arms and looking away.

"I don't like being here either. I like my mountain better." You answer haughtily before opening the carriage window and looking outside, trying to seem grumpy rather than sluggish. To pass the time, you idly begin casting God's eye on every random guard or person you see, curious as to what kind of mess you were in. From what you could see, all of the guards were paladins, clerics, or some other holy profession to benefit from the city's buffs and had skills specialized for killing undead or dark type monsters. Despite their stats being buffed 100 fold, they were still weaker than Rohan by a significant margin. Of course, with your body suffering from the city's debuff, they were a greater threat to you at this very moment. Your humanity skill did diminish the debuffs by a massive margin, but it was still a skill that weakened you from your normal form. Right now, you were 1/20th of your normal strength after all was said and done.

"Don't worry so much! Plus, it's the heroes summit this week. There's no way you can get hurt here." Tomoko says cheerily, causing Citrinas to jolt in her seat as you focus back on the conversation. Heroes summit?

"That's this week!?" She blurts out, her eyes bulging with panic as she shifts nervously in her seat, her usual composed self now in a panic. This, in turn, makes you panic as you focus on maintaining a poker face.

"Yeah. We've told you a hundred times. How could you forget? Tomoko's going to be giving a speech today." Elmeria asks as Citrinas grabs your arm and squeezes it tightly, as though you would outright die if she let go of you.

"What's the heroes summit?" You ask casually, the tiniest trace of fear entering your voice as you speak.

"It's a summit where every summoned hero comes together to compete to see who is the best in a variety of categories such as magic, close combat, and so forth." Tomoko explains as you sigh, unsurprised that life found yet another way to ruin your day. You get to watch the OP magic Olympics in a godforsaken, no, god BLESSED city with every hero around coming over... Wait, heroes as in plural?

"There's more than one hero?" You blurt out in shock. That wasn't in Carnachias' info, nor was it in Ariel's. They talked as though Tomoko and her merry band of monsters were the only major forces of light running around.

"Of course. Why wouldn't there be?" Elmeria asks, genuinely puzzled by your response.

"Kind of assumed it was a special title." You answer with a shrug.

"Well, hero's mostly a term we use for people summoned by a deity to participate in the great war or a native person who has achieved a great feat and attained the blessing of major deity. For example, Tomoko here is a hero of Riyal." Elmeria says as you frown.

"You mean Ariel?" You ask as she shakes her head and chuckles at your answer, as though you mixed up a historical figure with a movie star.

"No. Riyal is the goddess of bonds. Ariel is a minor guardian angel under Maran that deals with minor pervert cults. They sound familiar, but they are different leagues." She says as you feel a sense of dread in your heart. Minor pervert cults...

"Minor pervert cults like the one the Carnation Seneschal leads?" You ask hesitantly. Please laugh again. Please laugh again. Say that the Carnation Seneschal is a huge threat. Instead, Elmeria rolls her eyes at you.

"Of course you know about her." She says with a sigh, as though this were something common.

"What's that supposed to mean?" You ask indignantly.

"You don't know any of the major deities or their worshippers, but you know about an obscure sex cult with 100 people." She says while looking at you like complete garbage. Even Citranas is staring daggers at you for your answer.

"That is a hurtful. Maybe I just like knowing major threats to my area." You counter.

"Yes, and next you'll say the Hornet Empress will challenge the gods." Ruya says sarcastically as you wince.

"Aren't they threats? I remember Rohan saying you guys were going after them after you saved his men." You say, hoping that the leaders of the dark list Ariel gave you wasn't complete bull.

"We had to move quickly since there was an angry mob of housewives ready to kill them, and if we dawdled they'd be slaughtered." Tomoko said with a sigh. "I know they're a bit annoying, but **** isn't the answer for them."

"Housewives? Why would the housewives be angry?" You ask.

"Those two perverts usually abduct all the men in the area and have sex with them before being chased away. The worst thing they can ruin is a marriage." Elmeria says as Ruya flinches, the mere knowledge she shared the same broad category as the duo embarrassing to her.

"So, what do you do when you catch them?" You ask.

"At worst, they get a prison sentence for a few weeks and a small fine since every man they've **** testifies in their favor." Elmeria explained as you look away, deep in thought. Yeah, that sounds about right.

"Wonder why that is." You say, wondering how life would have been if you spawned near them instead of a frozen mountain. Carnachias said she was planning on having you spawn near someone to have an orgy on day one. This whole mess is Melanoche's fault. Your life could have been sex with beautiful women every single day and being in a cult so harmless that nobody even cared enough to kill you.

"You complain about us abducting you, but you want literal monsters to abduct you?" Ruya asked as you raise your hands in shock.

"What? Why would you get the idea I want to be in the same position as those lucky bastards they abduct?" You ask as Citrinas elbows you in the gut.

"Because you just called them lucky bastards." She mumbles angrily.

"Come on. Why would I envy a man **** to the land of milk and honey, where every waking moment I could be having sex with beautiful women when I can stay with you all enjoying significantly less breeding opportunities?" You ask as Citrinas pinches your arm with a sour expression.

"You know, we used to burn people for that kind of talk." Elmeria warns. Her threat lost its impact when she was burning you for that kind of talk already.

"Anyway, what's Maran god of?" You ask, ignoring Citrinas as she continues to punish your previous remark by pinching your arm.

"The home and the hearth. Her only known enemies are obscure, minor deities like Melanoche or Carnachias, and even her rivalry with Carnachias is one sided on her part." Elmeria answered as everything clicked into place. No wonder your "cheats" sucked so hard!

Minor deities!? The goddess of the home and hearth!? You weren't the chosen one of the great dark gods and offered a deal by mightier lords of light for the fate of the continent! You were a test subject **** by local thugs, spray painted with gang symbols, and promptly nagged at by the homeowners association while your neighbors were busy enriching uranium! They weren't giving you cheats, they were giving you mild conveniences at best!

"Wow. Maran is that bad?" You ask, almost tearing up. She had to have something useful. She had to. Please say she has some hidden power that activates under specific conditions.

"If you ever look for a patron god, I'd advise against asking her unless you've managed to piss off the entire pantheon... You'll probably ask her to support you one day." Elmeria says after a moment of thinking, unwilling to commit blasphemy against any god.

"Why's that?" You ask.

"Because you're an unpleasant, sarcastic, and rude person when you're in a good mood, and even worse when you're in a bad mood." She snaps back.

"Thank you. I try my best. But I meant why should I avoid her." You reiterate.

"While she does give blessings to anyone that asks and has no requirements to use her abilities, the angelic blessings and divine miracles exclusive to her like Domain, Pure Land, God's eye, Humanity, and Warmth are things meant for housewives who stay home all day or single women looking for a husband. For adventurers, there are other skills better suited for combat." Tomoko adds in.

"Humanity? What's that do?" You ask, curious to see how a skill to turn a monster into a human would work with a human.

"It's a spell that lets you shift your appearance. It's not perfect, and it's mostly for people with severe deformities that magic can't fix." Elmeria explains. Ah. So that's why the humanity skill existed if monsters couldn't get angelic blessings.

"What about God's eye? That sounds like a useful skill." You ask.

"It's a unique appraisal skill that lets you read a person's mood without letting them notice you're doing it. Issue is that it doesn't give important details like fighting styles, weak points, or elemental weaknesses like other detection skills. It's meant for women to see how their lover is feeling without letting them notice they're being read." Tomoko answers as you swear vengeance upon Ariel for deceiving you.

"Pure Land? Sounds interesting."

"It gives you a passive increase to experience, and it does buff your stats by a significant margin, but you'd have to be in your house. Unless you're a housewife fending off a burglar, it's useless." She says as you try to justify to yourself that you aren't completely screwed.

"Well, why wouldn't you want to ask her for her blessing? Isn't it better to have more skills than less?" You know you don't want to know the answer to this since it will depress you even more, but the question must be asked.

"Every being, light or dark, has a limit of 3 patron deities who can bless them. You'd burn a slot if you chose her." Elmeria explains as you nod, your mind undergoing the 7 stages of grief in seconds. You can accept this. It's fine. You burned all 3 slots of your new life on a pervert sex goddess, the goddess of housewives, and a cringelord goddess who actively hates you. You are surprised to find that despite all the misery you suffered, how badly the game was rigged against you, and how little of a chance you had to survive, there was still a little hope you could salvage your situation. You know that you still had some hope left in you, since you felt it die just now.

"If that's true, why did Tomoko and Citranas choose her?" You ask, remembering the two of them using Domain earlier.

"Citranas was the one that chose to have Maran as her patron god. Riyal's blessing allows me to use the skills and patrons of my friends." Tomoko explains as you finally understand what Carnachias meant when she said the hero could do everything her friends could do, but better. It seems the power of friendship in this world is overpowered as hell.

"Wow. So she's the strongest hero then." You say as Tomoko waves her hands, embarrassed by your compliment.

"I-I'm not. I'm just mooching off everyone around me." She says quickly as the rest of her party jumps in to reassure her.

"You're not mooching off us! You're our friend, and you've..." Elmeria says quickly as you stare out the carriage window once more, idly scanning the crowds around you with God's eye while you take in the architecture to push away the negative thoughts entering your own mind. The entire city was built at a slight incline with cobblestone paths spread out from the city like veins. Due to the heroes summit, you could see thousands of tourists of all races frequenting the shops and local food carts while others appreciated the many statues decorating the streets. You can tell from a glance that the statues were of the hero parties of the past, each one triumphant over some monster of renown. There's even a massive statue of a dragon being opposed by what you can only assume is every hero united together. You even spot Tomoko's team in there, albeit with Ruya removed for obvious reasons. As you continue through the city and enter the residential districts, you begin spotting some very eye catching weirdos frequenting the stalls. You can tell quite easily that they are heroes without even using God's eye.

Some of them are dark, broody, and wearing all black while surrounded by a harem of girls/guys vying for their attention. Others are wearing light armor and extremely embarrassed by the harem of girls/guys vying for their attention. Then there were the heroes who seemed to genuinely be interested in the festival, ignoring their harem as they focus on sampling the local cuisine. You even spot some creepy looking bastards who have their harem refer to them as "master". It's almost like watching a safari in the wilderness as your carriage passes by them. Ironically, the casserole of mental illness that is Tomoko's party look like the least annoying of the bunch.

Towards the end of your journey, you can't help but notice a hooded figure in dark brown robes walking down the cobblestone paths, their movements undoubtedly one of someone bored out of their mind. What stood out wasn't them, but their companions that followed close behind them. The first was a hulking hulking paladin that made Alka look small, his armor a dull gray color from soot and ash while the two handed sword he carried had a number of odd runes you couldn't read. The second was a swordswoman wearing a hooded robe over light armor that wore an iron wolf mask on her face. The last was a small bookish person that carried a pair of daggers and had on the same wolf mask as their compatriot. The fact that they were dressed so strangely and were walking in the same direction as your carriage was enough for you to know this was yet another hero party. You decide to cast God's eye on the paladin, hoping to compare his stats to Alka's for reference on how busted she was compared to her fellow heroes. As you cast God's Eye, all 4 of them stop and glare at you, their eyes focused on the open carriage window.

... Didn't Elmeria say that God's eye couldn't be detected? That thought dissolves as you see the status card float by your head.

Name: Varric Dolshton.

Class: A wandering eye will inevitably end up lost.

Race: Human

Skills: Turn back to your flock, little lamb.

Status: Lest you find something you wish you hadn't, Verdi.

... Eh?