Meet the locals

"Why are you wearing that stupid thing on your face?" Ruya asks as you tie a large scarf around your face, concealing everything but your eyes as you hug yourself to stay warm.

"It's cold." You answer, eyeing the empty space where your blanket once lay. When you arrived to the cursed city, Citrinas had banished it to her domain, denying you the warmth and comfort it gave you.

"What!? You think this is cold?" Elmeria asked in disbelief. "Your mountain was so cold that that the men had to cast fire magic to avoid freezing to the latrines!"

"I don't think I can handle this level of cold." You answer flatly, causing Tomoko and Elmeria to frown, expecting their lie detection skill to activate at your statement.

"You should be happy. Kolderia is one of the greatest cities in the continent. Most would pay a fortune to see just the outskirts." Elmeria says, changing the subject as you shrug.

"Right. It sounds like a paradise." You say, causing Elmeria and Tomoko to wince at your blatant sarcasm. Ah, so sarcasm counts as a lie. Good to know.

"The captain of the Kolderia guard might be strange, but he's one of the strongest magic swordsman in the continent. You're in safe hands here." Alkadabuki says as you freeze up. Great. Another threat out to kill you. You played smart, avoided making a ruckus, and as a result of your forward thinking, you're forcibly dragged to ever growing threats.

"Is he really that good?" You ask.

"He's stronger than any of us." Tomoko says as you look to Elmeria, hoping she would flinch. Great. You now had to deal with someone these monsters called a monster.

"He's also Alka's childhood friend." Elmeria adds. "If we tell him you're one of her friends, not even the demon king could touch you." She says as you refuse to even give a token smile at their words, too busy cursing the dark gods who turned you into a freakish tentacle monster. Their intel gathering was atrocious if there were people out there stronger than the hero that weren't on their kill list. As you try to think of how to avoid meeting that man, you hear a booming voice distorted by metal hit your ears. Despite lacking any holy power, you feel a headache come as you feel the voice rattle your very bones.

"Alkadabuki my love! I have awaited your return with a path of roses! Please, bless me with your beauty!" The booming voice outside bellowed next to the carriage as you hear another carriage catch up to your own, the voice growing louder with each passing second. You feel the same sense of dread you feel whenever Tomoko or the rest of her gang are in close proximity as your monster instincts scream at you to run away from whatever was outside.

"Who was that?" You ask cautiously as Alkadabuki sighs, noticeably more fatigued.

"Nobody important. Ignore them." She says in a low voice as Citrinas pipes up.

"Matthias, the Captain of the Kolderim Guard." She answers as the Amazon queen clenches her fists. Great. The one guy you wanted to avoid literally just appears out of nowhere. Perhaps Melanoche wanted you dead more than you thought. Then again, maybe you just had bad luck.

"Ignore him." She says as Ruya ignores her demand and opens the carriage doors to find the road around your carriage laden with roses. Neighboring your carriage is a knight clad in silver riding atop a gold plated chariot garnished with gemstones of the highest caliber. The gems, rather than being haphazardly slapped on, are shaped into a surprisingly tasteful sigil of a poleaxe. The knight himself holding a long parchment of paper and is preaching a long poem proclaiming his love for his "obsidian goddess of smoldering beauty". You stare at the lovestruck knight, trying to see how anyone could perceive he was anything but head over heels in love with the Amazonian. Was Carnachias' view of love restricted to **** sex? Were they that bad at intel gathering? As the knight sees Alkadabuki's face, he raises a fist of triumph before looking off into the distance.

"Sing, my beloved has shown her face! Let her hear how my heart yearns for her voice!" He bellows as you spot another chariot arrive packed with young men and women in robes appear out of nowhere. Closing their eyes, they begin singing a beautiful opera, the pain you feel from the holy magic infused words offset by just how beautiful the song was. Even if this man was unhinged, he had good taste in music.

"Wow, that's a big choir." Ruya notes, the angelic voices only serving to aggravate the Amazon queen further. Elmeria yells at the sight of the choir and sticks her head out the carriage.

"Oi, oi, why is the holy choir here!?" She asks furiously.

"To show my love how much I miss her!" He answers, his lone voice mightier than the trotting horses and choir by at least 10 fold.

"They are for demon invasions, not your personal use!" Elmeria screams indignantly as Alkadabuki pulls her back inside the carriage, her eyes still closed to deny the knight the satisfaction of her attention.

"Ignore them." She says quietly. Rather than be deterred, the knight looks giddy as he raises his hand.

"Orchestra! I have heard her voice! Play her the melody I feel in my soul when I see her smile!" He demands as you see a platoon of harp players appear riding atop horses, strumming beautiful songs that complement the singing choir. Even you can't help but feel calmed by the entire gesture, the soothing music just barely offsetting the compounded burning sensation you feel hearing it and Tomoko talk at the same time.

"Those harp players are so talented to play while they ride their horses." Tomoko says as Citrinas stares outside.

"Where are all these people coming from?" She asks, looking around for whatever else the knight had planned.

"I hope he says he has food to represent the emptiness he feels without you next." You chime in as the knight snaps his fingers.

"That is true! I do feel an emptiness in my heart that no food can fulfill without my love!" He says, inspired as he writes down your suggestion. You're genuinely surprised to see that Tomoko and Elmeria haven't flinched at any of his words, each one spoken from the heart. Either this was a VERY creepy man or a VERY dedicated one.

"Stop giving him ideas." Alkadabuki says, kicking you while Ruya looks outside the carriage.

"Wow, look at that mural he painted of you on the walls. Very accurate." She chimes in as everyone but Alkadabuki sticks their head out, staring at the city walls. As the dragon girl said, painted upon the walls was the amazonian queen perfectly replicated upon the walls. Even miles away, you could see each individual ab in her six pack and the sweat on her body as she fights a large minotaur in the mural. Instead of fighting the beast with some sword or spear, the mural is of her German suplexing it into the ground, the POV a tasteful side view of the entire interaction as she has the expression of an angry war god.

"Ignore it." Alkadabuki says, now more agitated as the cart holding the knight comes closer.

"My love, come with me! Ride into the city together and let the people bask in your beauty and dignity!" The knight bellows as Alkadabuki refuses to even respond to him. Cart's pretty close. Would be quite easy to just shove her out. Hm.

You lean out of the carriage and gesture to the knight, causing him to stop and lean down to listen so only he could hear your words. You mumble your plan to him quietly as he sits back and nods heavily, the blue eyes within the slit of his helmet shining at your words. The rest of the girls are just staring at you in silence, too confused to even object as you return to your seat and take in a deep breath, ready to ruin Alkadabuki's day. Either you were going back to your mountain, or you were going to make these girls as miserable as possible for dragging you away.

"Hey look Citrinas! There's a 50 foot tall nude statue of Alka body slamming some guy by the town gates." You say as Tomoko and Elmeria flinch at your insane lie. Alkadabuki, whose eyes were closed, shoot open as she leans out the carriage and grabs the knight by the throat.

"YOU MADE WHAT!?" She exclaims as the knight visibly gasps at her appearance, hearts wafting off his body at the sight of her as she crushed his windpipe. Before she can finish the job, you place your hands on her back and shove her as the knight scoops her by the waist with one hand. With your weak human body alone this would have never moved the Amazonian juggernaut more than an inch, but the unstable carriage and her knight in shining armor's strength was enough to send her tumbling into his arms. The two of you exchange a silent nod before the knight lets out a triumphant shout of unadulterated joy to the heavens at the success of your plan.

"Release the doves! Trumpets, play for me! Mobilize every chef in the city! We shall have a feast! My beloved has returned with me!" The knight yells, overjoyed as Alkadabuki roars at you.

"Verdi! Get over here! I'm gonna kill you!" She says as you look to Tomoko and Elmeria. Oh, nobody's flinching. Well, the knight carrying her isn't one to let his prey escape. You look outside the carriage doors to see that he has maintained his grip on her, keeping her in a princess carry despite her continuing to **** him. True to their word, he was somehow stronger than that beastly woman. It seems your two problems are going to solve each other.

"Wow, isn't true love beautiful?" You ask, watching Alkadabuki grab the knight with both hands and **** him out, demanding, then begging for him to halt the entire grand procession as a thousand doves flew into the air, their arrival accompanied by deafening trumpets and the smell of baked goods. As you grow closer to the city gates, you actually see a statue of Alkadabuki waiting outside, her every detail carved beautifully into marble as she holds a man in a chokehold.

"You're a really spiteful person." Ruya says, her voice just barely audible over the Amazon queen's screaming.

"Is it so wrong to help a man with his love?" You ask as Tomoko smiles at the two.

"We all know that's not why you did that." Elmeria says while you shrug.

"Yes, but it's a fact that I helped a man with his love. The reasoning behind it doesn't matter." You say as Tomoko nods, smiling brightly at the pair.

"He's right. It's so good to see those two spending time together. She's always trying to avoid him." She says as Ruya frowns.

"She's doing nothing but **** him and threatening to kill him unless he stops doing weird stuff." She says as a hundred fireballs fly into the sky to signify your arrival, exploding in a beautiful fireworks display. Wow, the captain of the Kolderia guard really knew how to give someone a welcome.

"And I think he's enjoying it." You add, studying the chariot closely. You can't see his face, his hands are fully carrying her, but the knight somehow radiates the aura of a happy man. Elmeria scoffs and joins you.

"There's no way he would enjoy..." She stops talking as she too sees the knight and his joyful aura. "Huh. Never mind."

"Elmeria, why do I get the feeling he's smiling even though I can't see his face?" Citranas asks as all of you watch Alkadabuki scream in frustration. You, on the other hand, are riding on cloud 9, neutralizing both threats to your life in one fell swoop. As long as the strange knight had his daily dose of his "chocolate goddess" as he described her as, he would probably leave you alone. More importantly, if Alkadabuki was described as a chocolate goddess, it meant chocolate was a thing in this world. After all this nonsense with the heroes, you could go for a chocolate bar.