You are a Reader., by sumedokin

“Yeah no fucking shit Sherlock. What dumb ass title is that?”

“It does make sense, Gina. After all we are covering the third and final installment in the reader saga, You are a Reader., by sumedokin I highly suggest said reader to peruse the previous two reviews to be up to date.”

“But we won’t link them.”

“No, that is not what sumedokin would have wanted.”

“Geh, where did this bitch suddenly crawl out from, anyways? I was enjoying my retirement, you fuck!”

“Do not blame me, Gina. I was trying my best to avoid it, but alas sumedokin begged us to do it. He was positively groveling really. It was so pathetic, I just couldn’t possibly refuse.”

“Haaaa.”

“Do you remember what happened in the second installment, Gina?”

“How the fuck could I forget? It was a fucking soccer match against Bugs Bunny!”

“Eh, close it was Mario and Luigi, a basketball match and that was the first installment, so actually not close at all.”

“Oh, fuck you, Marcie! Maybe, I’m a bit off my game! We haven't done this shit in a while!"

“Hm, yes it is indeed true that submissions have dried up. Perhaps we need something to revitalize the franchise. Maybe an additional character?”

…

“I said, maybe an additional character?”

“I don’t think she is coming, Marcie.”

“Wow, rude.”

“Whelp.”

“Oh, enough with the preamble! Let us begin."

“yay.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“When we last left of, our “hero” Allison was just kidnapped by a bunch of government agents while our own body was taken over by an eldritch abomination who wants to end the world."

“So pretty much what happened to me in Hard Candy.”

“I take offense to that.”

“You know, that’s pretty good for a bad end. We could have just left it there, but noooo we have to continue. Which might be pretty bad but it’s not an end!”

“And thus, we open, as every good story should, with an SCP containment protocol.”

The cells are completely cubical just about large enough to not be considered particularly large upright coffins embedded in the wall. They are illuminated by a special light-well in the ceiling that provides lighting indirectly from far away through a single lightsource, passed through a system of concave reflective surfaces. The light passes through passages with the thickness of a hair, and is refracted at the well and spread over the cell. That is the only opening in the cell.

Three of the walls are made of concrete reinforced with steel between three and eight feet thick. The fourth wall is the only window to the outside of their confinement available, a window of two inch thick bulletproof glass where the only piece of electronics are available to the inmates; the head of a microphone embedded in the glass. for when the guards need to address the inmates.

Allison is in one of these cells.

“Sounds pretty kinky.”

“I don’t think it is meant to be arousing Gina.”

“I mean, yeah, they didn’t even tie Allison up. Sumedokin you stupid hack! Go read a story from Ted and do some proper bondage!”

“May I continue?”

“Sure.”

“Allison may not have been tied up, but they did her. Luckily we, now without body, infiltrated her cell and provided Allison with the means to escape.”

"But nothing, Reader. I'm here because I'm a super villainess... I've done some pretty shitty things in my past.

“Like being an obnoxious little shit.”

“This...is a bit of an issue. We are told that Allison is vicious and evil, but we are never shown it. You see, there is a principle in writing that everybody knows is sound. And it’s called...”

“Oh fuuuuuuck no! We are not doing your preachy shit this fucking early in the story! Skip!”

“Alright, geez.”

So... I've downloaded 600 petabytes of porn. I know how much you love that after all.

“I have no idea what that number means.”

“Fun Fact, Gina. As of 2023, the internet is estimated to be about 120 Zetabite large. It is further estimated that about a third of that is porn. Which means, that while 600 petabytes is certainly an absurdly humongous number, it is only a fraction of the porn available on the World Wide Web.”

“Thanks Marcie! I needed to know that!”

“Of course Allison tries to make use of that porn and we actually get a masturbation scene. Uhh kinda.”

“Hah! She can’t get it up because she got emotionally stunted by ! What a loser!”

“The prospect of not being able to masturbate is however incentive enough for Allison to break out of this prison.”

“Priorities bitch.”

“Now, the key of this prison break is that we are an omniscient being capable of time and space travel which is a power we made use of to rearrange reality in a way that the prison security system now has a secret backdoor Allison can exploit.”

“If we can do all that why the fuck didn’t we just warn Allison before she got imprisoned?”

“Gina please. Would you have really helped Allison before she got , abused and mind broken?”

“You got me there, Marcie.”

“Allison then proceeds to unleash a Keter class on the poor guards to use the confusion to escape.”

“Fucking mimes.”

"Well, your silly little tricks aren't gonna work on me. I don't know what's up with all the crazy shit you pull out of nowhere, but obviously they can interact with physical things; so they can interact with the aerosol paint that sticks to its surface. Getting a paint gun was a no brainer."

“In this section the guards confront the escaped Mime. And while it is entertaining, it is also a bit clumsy. Would the guards really tell this to the escapee? This could have worked just as well as an internal monologue.”

“Never mind that. What the fuck is up with sume’s obsession of creating potentially sexy scenarios and then just not deliver on them? I mean, holy fuck! This is a sexy mime having to subdue a bunch of sexy guards in order to escape! Hm! I wonder how she will accomplish that IN THIS SEX STORY!"

The walls break down by something that cannot be seen by the naked eye, but as the dust of the ruined hallway settles on them, they are revealed to be massive, barbed tentacles emerging from holes in the walls created by them, wrapping themselves around the guards. Dozens of break the very building, piece by piece, and seize the guards as they coild around them, letting the monstrous mime behold them with her a delightful smile, clapping her hands as she watches the people squirm and scream in the chaos that she released on this prison.

“Well then.”

“He even got out of his way to describe that one of the guards is a tomboy! Sumedokin you cunt sucking bottom bitch if I ever get my hands on you I shove a pencil so far up your ass your vomiting splinters!”

“He probably would enjoy this, Gina.”

“But I guess we have more important scenes to cover then sex! Like Allison visiting a fucking bank!”

A single bronze statue of a bull stands strategically near but not quite at the center of the room, so as to draw attention to itself without being in the way.

“Fun fact: The term bull run refers to the time markets are generally in an uptrend.”

“You exceeded your fun facts quota for this story, Marcie.”

“What follows is a bit of an Indiana jones esque wild goose chase, which I do not need to think we need to cover in it’s entirety. All you need to know is that Victor is generally always one step ahead of Allison and friends.”

“Victor is the little bitch main villain of the story, who got all pissy we didn’t mention him last time. I’m surprised you didn’t address his response.”

“Well, he can just deal with it. If I do not get a reply. He most certainly doesn’t deserve one either.”

“...you’re still pissed that Al and Ruby didn’t call you back, eh Marcie?”

“I am most certainly not! If they do not appreciate my genius, it is their loss, not mine!”

“Tragic. Vic does get a bigger role this time around. Good for him. He’s basically a James Bond villain with all the evil monologuing and the whacky underlings like the super steroid roid monster and the guy who fights with flies.”

“I still believe the inspiration was more Indiana Jones.”

“Hey, Marcie.”

“What, Gina?”

“Do you think Vic has a giant tank full of sharks?”

“...no Gina, I do not think so. He strikes me more like a crocodile farm kind of guy.”

“Keh. What’s even the point then?”

which raises the question; why do you not skip ahead? To the final stage of this venture, where you can see whether you succeeded or not?"

“No, Gina.”

“But he’s offering!”

“But the ending is not written yet.”

“Oh right, fuck.”

“After many shenanigans, our world ending preventing posse eventually end up in Turkey.”

“Don’t you mean Türkiye, Marcie?”

“Gina, Hell will sooner freeze over before I give that stunted slime Erdogan the satisfaction.”

“Then Victor shows up and shoots Allison point blank!”

“Indeed. The main man himself poses as one of Allison’s security guards and kills her. A bit awfully crude for my taste but I can’t deny it’s effectiveness. Also credit where credit is due. It is a nice callback to the beginning where Allison wonders why Victor doesn’t just kill her.”

“We then have a martial arts contest between Victor and Athena, in which Victor acts like a complete pervert and it’s super effective. Its played for laughs, but since Vic just fucking murdered Allison it’s kinda jarring.”

“Sumedokin wants to have both drama and comedy in this story.”

“Yeah, too bad he doesn’t want to have fucking sex in it.”

“Ehem, my point is, it can be difficult to mesh the two together. It can be effective as a sort of whiplash effect but in my experience that only works if you go from comedy to drama. The opposite is immensely difficult to pull of."

“Oh who are we kidding, Marcie? Of course Allison isn’t dead. She got saved by a bullet proof vest! How did she got this vest! Lets spend multiple chapters finding out!”

“We now switch to the story sumedokin actually wants to tell: War is hell.”

“So there is this twink David who used to be Allison’s boytoy in the last story. He fights in WWI and we need to follow this, for some reason.”

“This part of the story is difficult to justify. It is well written but it brings the plot to a screeching halt.”

“Which is fitting because this is were the story stops. At least we finally get something resembling a sex scene out of the bargain. Too bad it’s one about a guy masturbating in a hospital to the thought of a girl dominating him.”

“huh. I wonder if Allison is a fan of Evangelion.”

“Whatever, are we done?”

“Almost, Gina. What are your general impression of this part?”

“It was about as unsexy as fuck!"

“...so you mean it was very sexy?”

“No just unsexy. Sumedokin needs to stop being a shy little bitch and write the perverted hardcore femdom sex he always wanted to write”

“To be fair there was slightly more erotic content in this one. Not much, mind you, but you can tell sumedokin dipped his feet in.”

“He needs someone to kick his bitch ass in the deep end.”

“Stylistically, the writing was good but it was weirdly sloppy in the grammar department, more so then I was accustomed to from this author.”

"All we have to do is drive past the broken van, drive past the spikes and continue ahead of the caravan. As long as our group moves ahead of the

"Nevermind that! Get yourself moving! The shooter is there! Go! Go! Go!" Tobias waves his gun in the direction of the

We didn’t edit these, sume just forgot to finish the sentences.”

“Aside from these there where also some minor typos. Not enough to be egregious but still noticeable. His inability to write the word “surprise” without a z was very jarring.”

“Uhu.”

“Now let’s talk narrative integrity.”

“Sounds pretentious and gay. So right up your alley.”

“The first installment of the reader saga was absurdist comedy, the second was a take on Lovecraftian horror/romcom. These two couldn’t be more different but as both were technically a different story this was acceptable.”

“Outrageous.”

“The same leniency can not be granted to this story however that just doesn’t seem capable of making up its mind on what it wants to be.”

“Radical.”

“And yet, this hodgepodge of a story somehow worked. Chiefly because the plot itself was entertaining and moving forward at a brisk pace. That was at least the case until the world war flashback.”

“Gnarly.”

“Said flashback is a massive departure from what the readers are invested in. Think about this from the perspective of people who have not read the prior installment of the reader saga. For them this is us leaving the main protagonist to follow someone we have zero investment in. Not just for a short time mind you. The David arc currently stands at nine chapter and counting. It is pure and complete self indulgence.”

“yawn.hmhm..sure is self indulgent around here, yep. You finished, Marcie?”

“Almost. Given how much reader agency is such a core feature in this story I do hope sumedokin will eventually provide readers with the option to skip this portion.”

“You know, you could just use the storymap for this.”

“Preposterous, Gina!”

“Whatever, I’m going back to sleep now. Don’t forget to close up.”

“Unbelievable…”

…

..

.

ONE HOUR LATER

Allison: “Heeeeeeere’s Allison!”

….

Allison: “Whoa, am I too late? Crud.”

Allison: “da ba dee da ba daa Da ba dee da ba daa, da ba dee da ba daa."

“Brzzt buzzz brrzz whirr whoosh”-Allison time travel noises

Tick Tock Tick Tock

THREE AND A HALF HOURS EARLIER

“Hm, yes it is indeed true that submissions have dried up. Perhaps we need something to revitalize the franchise. Maybe an additional character?”

Allison: “Heeeeeeere’s Allison!”

“FUCK!”

“Gina, please.”

Allison: "Sorry that I couldn't make it last time! I'm afraid I was a bit..*snort* tied up!"

"No you weren't."

Allison: “Oh! Can I pick the BGM this time, can I? Please…pleaaaaaaaase!”

“I shall allow it. Do NOT screw this up, Allison.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Allison: “Uh! Uh! Wait! This one’s better!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Allison: “No! This one! That’s the best one!"

READING IN GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!

Allison: “And your tags are in place! I went a bit more creative with them this time around. Very chic, if I may say myself! Wowie Zowie! Am I ready for this!”

♥Candybutt♥:“uggggghhhhh!”

Marcie(¬_¬): “Hillarious. When we last left off our “hero” Allison was just kidnapped by a bunch of government agents while our own body was taken over by an eldritch abomination.”

Allison: “Not exactly one of my proudest parts. Can we skip this?”

♥Candybutt♥:“Yes.”

Marcie(¬_¬): “No, because I have a great many things to complain about.”

Allison: “Like how me being all evil and vicious is all tell and no show?”

Marcie⚆ _ ⚆: “Err..”

Allison: “Heh, hypocrite that you are, that is only because you haven’t read my origin story.”

Marcie◉_◉: “What?”

♥Candybutt♥: “Ohhhh! Roasted!”

Allison: “If you had done your due diligence, you would definitely have seen me for the monster I am.”

Marcie༼ つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ: “Preposterous!”

♥Candybutt♥: “Oh move over, Marcie you stupid bitch. The real issue with this dumpster fire of a story is that Allison is in a fucking bondage cell and there is nothing sexy happening in it!”

Allison: “Swing and a miss candybutt.”

♥Candybutt♥: “Excuse me?”

Allison: “Just because YOU don’t find it sexy does not mean it is not sexy. Me, having lost all her will to life, being a shell of my former shelf is very arousing to some people. Just ask Victor.”

Marcieᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ:“We are not inviting Victor.”

Allison: “Oh don’t worry about that. I think he is stuck in time traffic.”

♥Candybutt♥: “Ok, bitch. What about the Mime?”

Allison: “The mime?”

Marcie(°ロ°)☝: “Of the panto variety.”

Allison: “Oh that one! That one was actually created by warden. Can’t really blame summonkin for it being unsexy, right?”

♥Candybutt♥: “Who?”

Marcie(¬‿¬): “Mustache.”

♥Candybutt♥:“Ah, the other fuck who’s incapable of writing sex. Got it.”

Allison: “See? My! I must admit I am a bit disappointed in you two! I was expecting your criticism to have a bit more...teeth.”

♥Candybutt♥: “Oh, fuck off! What about the scene when the report chick goes clubbing like its a fucking rip off from dickgirl guy. But you know, dickgirl guy at least tries to put some erotic shit in!”

Allison: “Eh? Hold on you didn’t mention that on your initial review at all.”

Marcieಠ╭╮ಠ: “Our initial review?”

Allison: “Oh poopie. Butterfly effect sure is a bitch, ain’t it? Ehehehe.”

♥Candybutt♥:“Did you fucking time travel us?”

Marcieლ(ಠ益ಠლ): “Get her!”

And so Allison was subdued and put through grizzly erotic involving feathers, ice cubes and these little fish that eat the dead skin of your body. It was very erotic, way more erotic then anything sumedokin has ever written, I can tell you that much.

Suffice to say, Allison has suffered a

BAD END

…

..

.

FOUR HOURS EARLIER, THEN THREE AND A HALF HOURS LATER AGAIN (LOOK TIME TRAVEL IS COMPLICATED)

Tick Tock Tick Tock

VICTOR: “Felicitations Malefactors! I am endeavoring to grace your miserable little excuse of a review with my presence. Be grateful, for I shall dismantle your poorly thought out criticism with wit and grace as of yet unseen.”

Tick Tock Tick Tock

VICTOR: “It appears I am late. How vexing. No matter. After all, you the reader is still here, which will be a underwhelming, but sufficent audience to demonstrate the superiority of I, Victor Hayden. And without the presence of that unendurable Miss Carlyle and her wretched band of misfits, I will not have to suffer any interruptions on my rendition of “The world’s greatest criminal mind.”

Tick Tock Tick Tock

VICTOR: “What is this ticking noise? It evidently is coming from this clock like device. Why, If I didn’t knew any better I would say this appears to be a time bomb set by my archnemesis, Allison Carlyle. Now, dear reader, you might be wondering why I am so calm in the face of imminent bodily destruction. Well, I won't bother you with details, your insufficent brain tissue will not be able to retain in the first place. Let us just say that Allison has a certain, rather peculiar, way of confronting me. I can hence safely deduce that she would never stoop to such a crude method of trickery. Now then, what have we learned from this, my dear reader? Oh please, do try to keep up, will you? It is insultingly obvious that this device is a mere diversion, intend of holding my attention just long enough for the real bomb to catch me off guard.”

Tick

VICTOR: “OH FUCK!”