Fly me to the moon

“You know, Marcie, Can’t this at least die gracefully?”

“What do you mean, Gina?”

“It’s clearly over, we have exhausted the admittedly large pool of masochists who are into this shit. Not even fucking google has requested a review in ages.”

“…”

“But instead of calling it quits, we just drag this corpse back up every few months to do a follow up on sumo’s shit which in turn gets some couple more virgin loser nerds to beg for a review before we inevitably goes into hibernation again. I’m sick of it.”

“My, Gina. If I didn’t know any better, this almost appears as if you care for our quaint little podcast.”

“I only care about not doing it, Marcie. I’m 22 years old, for fucks sake! I shouldn’t be reading shitty nerd porn on the internet!”

“Well someone has to do it. And we certainly can’t leave the important duty of reviewing porn on the internet to someone else.”

“Ugh!”

“Thus, speaking about not, not doing it. We are indeed back to continue our journey through the last installment of the reader saga.”

“Oh, fuck me. Last time was a complete catastrophe!”

“Indeed. But I purchased some anti Allison spray, so we should be good for at least this time around.”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“So, we open with David getting suffocated to **** in his hospital bed by his former comrade in arms because they believe he will not recover from his wounds and a quick **** is more merciful then months of agony.”

“Remember when this story was about a basketball match against Mario and Luigi?”

“I am more upset with the fact that sumedokin couldn’t submit this chapter with the last part. It would have made for a nice cut off and kept Allison away.”

“Yeah, well whatever, nobody wants to read about someone getting suffocated to **** in a porn story, except engin. He probably gets brought back to life by some magic mumbo jumbo at the end anyways.”

“I find that highly unlikely given the fact that the next few chapters are focused on Elizabeth as we follow her path through the decades of her life.

“Great, that shit’s even more depressing.”

“You think? I believe sumedokin was attempting to go for an uplifting tone.”

Having outlived three of her four children, and the last one refusing to talk to her, Elizabeth now lives alone in an apartment with four cats and the nurses and aides that comes to visit every other day. Confined to a wheelchair, and barely able to talk coherently, everything that once made the Englishwoman the dynamic and confident **** of nature she was, has faded in her autumn years. Now all that remains are the grand-and-great-grandchildren who come to consult with her caretakers, and her memories.

In her mind she can still feel the wetness on her forehead, from the kiss David gave her before they parted. That was the last time she would ever see him alive.

“Sure is uplifting in here. I have to be careful not to fly away.”

“I will concede that it asks a lot from the reader. Ultimately, this flashback is 15 chapter strong, all of them of considerable length but I won’t regurgitate my point from last time. It is very well written and does serve as a good closure to Elizabeth, who was after all at one point the protagonist of this story.”

“There also not even the hint of anything sexy in these chapters, but that probably shouldn’t surprise me anymore with this author.”

“But anyways with that out of the way, we are finally back to Allison.”

“Yeah, for like a chapter or so, then this turns into the fucking Victor show.”

“Indeed. You see, our main villain Victor only pretended to be chaotic evil and was planning to betray his eldritch Overlord all along to save the world.”

“Uhu. Still think the fucker is evil, Marcie.”

“Well yes, but lawful evil.”

“The fuck?”

“Whatever his Dnd alignment may end up being, Victor uses magical device X on his former Lord which is able to injure the eldritch abomination somehow.”

“Didn’t we give unkown flak for doing this?”

“Hm, yes device X should be avoided if possible, but it doesn’t exactly work as planned, so it gets a pass? It’s probably less a device X and more a MacGuffin, which is a bit more tolerable.”

“Right, because Victor, pompous fool that he is, just can’t bring himself to not monologue before finishing off the hero…”

“well, eldritch horror in this case.”

“Don’t interrupt me. What follows is a multi chapter long misadventure in which Victor fights against armed guards, gets shot with a shotgun, flies out of a window, gets stabbed, beaten the shit out of him and still manages to look like the fuckers who’s always in control.”

“You know, these over the top fight segments really remind me of Umineko. I wonder if sumedokin has played it.”

“Who cares.”

Another Victor-y

“Already run out of victor puns? Pathetic.”

“After seven or so chapters of Victor porn, he finally is done, jumps out of a window and lands in a garbage dump were he breaths his last.”

“I guess you could say...to the victor goes the spoils.”

“...”

“Victor? More like, victim.”

“…”

“But then again, history is written by…”

“SHUT UP!”

“Alright, alright, I am admittedly a bit sad of seeing Victor go. He was quite the magnificent bastard.”

“Oh he was a bastard alright, just not a magnificent one.”

“Gina, please. A little more respect for the ****.”

“Oh, fuck this. We both know he’s going to be brought back to life in the end anyways.”

“What is it with your obsession of bringing people back to life, Gina?”

“WELL MAYBE BECAUSE A CERTAIN SOMEONE…”

“GINA SPOILERS!”

“Hmpf.”

“...anyways, the betrayal of their leader didn’t really seem to phase the scions all that much as they go forth with their plan to destroy the world unimpeded.”

“They sure have come a long way from the bumbling fools they were a hundred years ago.”

“Yes, but…”

“What now, Marcie?”

“It...annoys me. Victor’s betrayal should have had massive consequences for them as an organization. This was their de facto leader and Victor clearly did not believe in number two’s. The scions suffered a massive betrayal and their Lords invincibility was just called in question. This is not the time for them to act all smug.”

“Oh for fuuuucks sake, will you stop riding that old fuck’s dick?”

“Can you blame me, Gina? None of the remaining villains quite have Victors presence. Victor was always the most interesting of them, far more so then his Lord. Him dying definitely leaves a massive gap behind.”

“That useless shithead didn’t even have a shark tank. I don’t care, Marcie!”

“Whelp, but perhaps Victor’s demise was inevitable as we now approach the climax of this story. Everyone is ready to head to Göbleki Tepe, the site of Lord Vieznja’s awakening. Time for the big, climatic...”

3rd September 10 222 BCE
Taurus Mountain

“Oh my fucking goooood, ANOTHER FUCKING FLASHBACK!”

“Gina, please.”

12th July 9855 BCE
Taurus Mountains

“Vegina, what does the scouter say about this story’s flashback level?”

“I have no idea what the fuck your are talking about. All I know is that we moved back in time. Again.”

“Well, it’s either that or sumedokin doesn’t understand how BC works.”

“If this fucker would concentrate on the main story instead of OVER 9000 flashbacks this would be long finished!”

“So, ehem, basically in this flashback we learn the origin of Vieznja.”

“Do we really, Marcie? Because all I got out of this newest pointless diversion was an ancient soap opera.”

"Choinuh I’m Cothrom humbly asks his Eminence Uapiah I'm Cothrom, Head Priest of Vieznja, for his audience.”

“I know this is spelled properly, it is just that my brain refuses to acknowledge that fact.”

“Whatever the case, I hate it.”

“I feel like we should take a lesson out of our own playbook and concentrate on the plot.”

“You want plot? Fine. I give you plot. Evil priest guy is in love with girl. Girl is in love with another, so evil priest talks to a lion and convinces it to kill the guy. There’s your fucking plot. What the fuck has this to do with the main story? Fuck all!”

Adinelloti can only scream as he is torn to shreds, his blood seeping into the ground and feeding the ever hungry plants…

No date is sweeter than the one promised to someone else. Now, I do wonder: how would my good friend Siedutte behave if he knew how his allegedly trustworthy wife has been engaged?”

By blaming his wife, accusing her of witchcraft, he could get rid of Affutala once and for all, and maybe then he would get the wife he wanted.

“You know, Gina, I get the sinking feeling sumedokin recently had to go through a bad breakup.”

“As if that masochistic dweeb would ever get a girl in the first place.”

The beautiful forms of naked women engaged in nimble motions entice the attention of the Temple's men, who in turn attempt to impress them by keeping up with the steps of the melody as it picks up. Laughter joins together with this most energetic hymn.

“Do my eyes deceive me, Gina. Is that actually the preamble to an erotic scene?”

The invigorating music of the festival could only be heard faintly in the distance as their bodies join together in another type of dance, the most complete expression of love imaginable.

“Of fucking course not. It takes a special kind of author to write a porn story and then skip the sex.”

“To clarify what just happened. The evil priest pretends to be the girls murdered boyfriend and ends up having sex with her.”

“And guess what? It gets worse! The girls end up pregnant and because this is an ancient soap opera she now has to marry the evil priest.”

“Meanwhile the poetically named “swan dance child” is born from this unholy matrimony.”

“Unfortunately, the baby’s kinda comatose or some shit. This finally becomes to much for the mother and she kills herself.”

“I think she just left the village, Gina.”

“Nope, with how depressing everything about this story is, she definitely killed herself.”

“Regardless, the “swan dance child” somehow manages to survive after all and time marches on, again.”

April 11th 9 838 BCETaurus Mountains

“This clearly takes place about twenty years after the last scene. Which means sumo somehow manages to screw up every single date he gave in this flashback. What the actual fuck?”

“Oh, Oh, I finally got it, Gina.”

“What?”

“There’s an empty space, so the actual date is April 11th 9838 BCE. Sumedokin made the same mistake in the first date but not in the second, which caused the confusion.”

“THAT’S EVEN WORSE! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN? HOW!”

“Personally, I am more upset by the fact that a story taking place 12000 years in the past uses current day months. Months were only invented around 2100 BC, and the names we are using today were of Roman origin established more then a millennia later. It is why I thought this flashback would take place around 200 BC”

“You know, Marcie, maybe we should focus our criticism on things that actually matter. Like the fact that this worthless flashback is still going on.”

“Our **** dance child is now all grown up and slightly peeved at the village, so it decided to gather an army and destroy it.”

“His father(evil priest guy) is still there, so you would think we would get a confrontation between father and son, right? But that makes too much sense for sumedokin.”

“Instead we skip forward towards our war mongerer penetrating deep into the temple and confronting the old head priest.”

"This is how far you will go, Swan Dance Child." The elderly priest says, "You have caused great sorrow and loss to me and all whom I love, but I shall not allow you to go near our Father and God."

“Are we having another anime bullshit battle, Marcie? Because if we are having another anime bullshit battle...”

“Well, this whole story is about fighting a God, so...”

“IT IS ANOTHER FUCKING ANIME BULLSHIT BATTLE!”

“huh.”

“Ok Marcie, let me get this straight.”

“I rather prefer you gay.”

“…”

“Alright, alright, don’t look at me with those murderous eyes. Continue.”

“Sumo avoids any potential sex scenes like the plague and when sex has to happen for plot reasons he skips over it but he makes damn sure we get to see every single god damn battle, even if it’s between character’s we don’t give a rats ass about.”

“Look on the bright side, Gina. At least the fight is pretty short and this is the penultimate chapter.”

“I have a bad feeling about this, Marcie. Something horrible is about to happen.”

He tRieS to open his palm sO as to unleash Another lightning bOlt at tHe moNster, onLy to find hiS hAnD unResPonsiVe. HE lookS dOwn at his aRm, fiNdinG a dOzen or So unBlinKiNg EyeS wItH yeLlOw SclEra StAriNg bAcK at Him. AS iF hiS hAnd haD gOTten a liFe oF iTs OwN, It GrAbS HiS tHrOaT WiTh A vIcE GrIp, FAr StRoNgEr ThAn He woUlD usuAlLy bE capaBle oF. His tHroaT colLapses under the wEight oF his oWn thumb, aS air is uNable to enTeR his moutH or esCape. He triEs to wRinG hiS inFecTed aRm aWay wiTh H!s frEe @rm, BuT FinDs It wOn'''t bUdGe. It m!ghT aS wElL bE c@rvEd froM sT#Ne.

“Huh..ok,..that is an interesting stylistic approach to take. I wonder what the last chapter will...

“…”

“…”

“THIS IS THE FUCKING LAST FUCKING CHAPTER THIS FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCKU FCUCKKFNSOHNHSFOISDHNFSKHNDFNK############################################################!!!!!!!”

“Gina please.”

V shp#vat ungr guvf fb shpxvat tbq qnza zhpu!!! Fhzb lbh shpxvat cvrpr bs fuvg vs V trg zl unaqf ba lbh, V FJRNE GB TBQ V JVYY RAQ #### ######### #########!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“So, what did you think about this segment of the reader saga?”

“V UNGRQ VG!”

“In English please.”

“Your spray sure as fuck worked, Marcie. There was very little Allison in this.”

“And so we end this review as we started it, within a flashback.”

“You can say that again. What the fuck even was the point of this flashback?”

“A good question. It was somewhat related to the main plot but it really felt like sumedokin just wanted to tell a different story.”

“Too bad he never wants to tell a good story.”

“Anything else, Gina?”

“I think sumo just wrote this to **** me.”

“Surely not.”

“Uhu. Who else is reading this then?”

“Ouch. Well. The writing was good.”

“Good? That shit was riddled with errors! You’re the one who’s supposed to point that stuff out!”

“And sumedokin does have talent when it comes to drama. It was pretty heart-wrenching at times.”

“My heart certainly felt like it was hit by a wrench while reading this.”

“But...it indulges itself too much in diversions. The David/Elizabeth flashback I can excuse.”

“I can’t.”

“It was at least focused on characters we know but this latest flashback…how do I explain it? Are you familiar with the flashback chapters of One Piece’s Skypia arc?”

“Yeah, sure, Marcie. Who isn’t familiar with the flashback chapters of My space’s skype arc?”

“The Skypia flashback was well written, probably one of the best flashbacks in the entire series in terms of narrative structure. But it focuses on characters we had no attachment too that died centuries ago. It’s relevancy to the plot was very tangential and such no matter how well written it was, it missed the mark.”

“Lot of words just to say that it sucked, Marcie.”

“When it comes to flashbacks and really worldbuilding in general, the trick is to make the reader crave it before you give it to them. Otherwise, they just felt like you wasted their time, no matter how good the writing itself actually is.”

“Can confirm. Give me back my afternoon, you fuck!”

“As for the rest of the chapters, the Elizabeth flashback was appropriate and the Victor vs the world chapters, as self indulgent as they were, were fun to read. So all in all, a mixed bag here.”

“Too bad all the good writing in the world can’t fix sumo’s inability to write porn.”

“Well, let’s not beat a dead horse.”

“Fine by me.”

“If everything goes by plan, our next review will conclude the Reader saga.”

“Thank fucking god.”

“With five reviews, the Reader saga will be one of the most reviewed stories we did, currently only eclipsed by Lois Lane’s night out. We have to make sure to give it a proper send off.”

“Just make sure you buy enough Allison spray.”

“I will.”

“Now lets end this shit, before Allison fucking timetravel ambushes us again.”

“Well said, Gina.”