Infinite monkeys

Marcie: “Ok, so the good news is that this section of “You are a reader” is much less depressing”

Gina: “…”

Marcie: “The bad news is that also means we have no way of keeping the comedy relief out.”

Allison: “Heya! What’s up! Am I on time? Huh! I AM ON TIME! I almost missed a bend at albuquerque and ended up on “clothes for likes”. That would have been akwaaaaaaard. But maaan can’t believe the Wildcats lost 1 to 10! Oh, spoilers by the way. Hehe.”

Gina: “Uggghhhh!!!!"

Marcie: “We are here to read and review the finale of the reader saga. And we will do so without any shenanigans. Am I clear?”

Allison: “My dear Marcie. What do you take me for? You can’t spell clearly without Carlyle!”

READING IN PROGRESS (BGM)

Gina: “Ok, last chapter was just a bunch of boring bullshit and flashbacks but at least we are jumping right into an action sequence this time.”

Marcie: “Indeed. Sumedokin is clearly an Anime fan with the One Piece esque set up of secondary characters fighting secondary villains.”

Allison: “Man, Marcie. You sure love talking about One Piece. This is just a very shonen set up! One Piece didn’t invent that, ya know?”

Gina: “I don’t give a fuck what’s it called, you better not expecting one piece of porn out of this story.”

Marcie: “Porn is the least thing of our worries as the group fights off the remaining two big guys of the Vieznja cultists.”

Allison: “Actually, Marcie, it’s pronounced Vijzenja.”

Marcie: “Whatever. Allison and friends are pitted against Gabriel and Leggy, who, as you might recall, finished off Victor.”

Allison: “Weeeell, I would say the kill belonged to Gloria, but they definitely assisted.”

Gina: “OMFG who cares! One of these fuckers suddenly had a change of heart and kills himself and we don’t even know what happens to the guy fly!”

Marcie: “That is true, any insight as to why Gabriel suddenly decided to commit suicide or why Leggy suddenly vanished from existence, Allison?”

Allison: “Hey, stop!”

Marcie: “What?”

Allison: “I see what’s happening here.”

Marcie: “WHAT?”

Allison: “You’re face to face with greatness and it strange.”

Gina: “…”

Marcie: “…”

Allison: “You don’t even know how you feel. It’s adorable!”

Gina jumped Allison with the **** of one billion suns.

Allison: “Geez! So aggressive! All I’m wanted to say, before I decided to do an impromptu song number, was that you can’t use me as an explain it all device for this review! You have to come to your own conclusions! Isn’t that the whole point of this?

Gina: “Fine. My point is that nikodumbass is a dipshit who had no idea how to fucking kill off the goons so he just made this shit up instead!”

Marcie: “Hmm...crudely spoken, but no doubt accurate.”

Allison: “Wow, harsh.”

Gina: “Bah, enough with this shit! With the two incels out of the way nothing stops Allison from going after the big bad eldritch guy.”

It was only yesterday when you realised the butterflies in your stomach inevitably present whenever you start up a new job subsided when only three weeks has passed since you were hired by the staffing firm KhafreGroup as a recruiter; specifically to help the staffing firm Kufu Resources to staff their office with recruiters, for a special mission they had undertaken to recruit new recruiters for the staffing firm Menkaure VL.

Gina: “At least I would like to say this, but guess what? WE ARE HAVING ANOTHER FLASHBACK!”

Allison: “Come on G-Girl, it wouldn’t be a nidoking review without an overly long and meandering flashback in it.”

Marcie. “To be fair, this one is mercifully brief. Meanwhile, the main group has to deal with more random encounters, like a severed hand.”

A single severed hand is left on the stone floor near the bones. The test of time has granted the mutilated limb a dark caramel coloured hue as the skin appears to fuse with flesh, forming a single dry layer caked tightly around its bones that had withdrawn from its long fingernails by the tip of its digits so as to appear like bestial claws.

“...Guess that’s one more mystery solved.” Allison chuckles.

Gina: “WHAT mystery?”

Allison: “Don’t ask me.”

“Gina: “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KNOW THIS!”

Marcie: “Gina, calm down. It seems sumedokin is not just a fan of One Piece but also the Adams family, as the severed hand suddenly starts attacking.”

Gina: “This is just more fucking filler to pad the runtime! Hand gets fucking wrecked and the group finally stumbles upon the eldritch fuckbitch.”

Allison: “Which is you!”

Gina: “What the fuck did you just call me?”

Marcie: “We are the reader, which is possessed by Vijzenja, remember Gina?”

Gina: “My head hurts. Can we skip this? They defeat the thing. The end.”

Allison: “Whaaaaat? Come on this is the big climatic battle! I went crazy and all! I even speak in cursive! You can’t just skip over it!”

Gina: “Bite me.”

Allison: “What about the sexy tentacle scene?”

She appears to float on the black goo, and judging by the way Allison flails wildly with her arms, she has no intention of letting herself sink. The black tendrils from before rise from the liquid like coils of smoke, snaking around her thighs and arms. She writhes in its tentacly grip with all her might, yet whatever abominable **** animates these viscous shadows, it is far too much for a single woman. They restrain her arms, keeping them from moving violently, and wring her on to her back.

They drag her to the bottom of the pond.

Gina: “That’s twice you brought up tentacles in this story, WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING EROTIC WITH THEM!”

Allison: “Hey don’t blame me. It’s what kinky Doc Sume ordered.”

Marcie: “Kinky doc?”

Allison: “Not everyone can be a master at puns, Marcie.”

Marcie. “Well, to be fair, this late in the game, we certainly can’t rehash our old criticism about the distinct lack of any erotic content in this story.”

Gina: “Blehee….”

Marcie: “What we can critique however, is that this final climatic battle left something to be desired.”

Allison: “Whaaaaaaaat? But it had a sperm whale!”

Gina: Like I give a fuck. Could have at least transformed into a whale shark instead, fucking hell...”

“Allison: “But that’s not as erotic..because you know sperm whale, hehe...sperm”

Marcie: “The point I am making here, is that this fight had so much build up, so much flashbacks that it was over remarkably quickly. Why, pray tell, was the Victor fight scene more engaging then this?”

Allison: “Ugh! Do we have to talk about old Vic? Like seriously! All the time it was like, Victor this, Victor that! Seriously, his name came up, like, once per chapter? Talk about stealing the spot light.”

Marcie: “At least he was not brought back to life as foolish Gina over here was expecting.”

Gina: “That cheeky fucker! I swear he had planned to bring him back and only didn’t just so he could screw me over!”

Marcie: “Anyway, do you wish to defend this crummy climax, Allison?”

Allison: “Look, this story started out with me playing basketball against Bugs Bunny.”

Marcie: “It was Mario and Luigi.”

Allison: “And Peach! What I’m trying to say, unsmoked isn’t exactly planning this whole thing out. I mean, he has some plan, I guess, but sometimes things just don’t work out like they should and you end up with stuff like the penultimate battle being more awesome then the final one. That’s just life, ya know?”

Gina: “Pathetic.”

Allison: “You’re one to talk. This review is waaaay lamer then the last one! I bet it won’t even have a hot rap battle at the end.”

Gina: “How about a hot fist up your ass!”

Marcie: “At any rate, the world is saved. And you’re still alive.”

Allison: “Yeah, talk about crazy right? I was so sure I was a goner, lol.”

Gina: “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

Allison: “Aww, really?”

Gina: “How the fuck am I supposed to fist you up the ass when you’re dead, you bitch!”

Allison: “Well, I mean IF you really are committed…”

Marcie: “Girls focus! Can we please focus on the review instead of this incessant banter?”

Allison: “Fine, fine.”

Marcie: “So, while the day is won, we still have quite a few chapters to go through.”

Gina: “Uggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!”

"...I peed a little."

Marcie: “Congratulations, by the way. With this chapter you made it on our shortest chapter wall of shame.”

Allison: “Hehe! First place right?”

Marcie: “You are tied with first place in word count. Little did sumedokin know that his obscene craving for ellipses would be his undoing. This chapter is 21 characters long(including spaces) The number one spot is only 19 characters(including spaces)”

Allison: “Whaaaaaaaat? No waaaaayyyy! I don’t believe it!”

Gina: “Well, would you look at fucking that! There is a choice in here!”

Marcie: “I was not expecting that. We can finally pick our gender.”

Gina: “Which would be a cool twist, IF IT WASN’T ALREADY ESTABLISHED THAT THE READER IS MALE. WE EVEN BITCHED ABOUT THAT, YOU TWAT!”

Allison: “Actually I can explain that.”

Marcie: “Oh, this should be good.”

Allison: “With the destruction of virginia by means of the Hawking Radiation we actually ended up creating a parallel universe or rather a quantum version of it. Are you familiar with Schrödingers cat?”

Marcie: “I am sick of that cat.”

Allison: “Ok, imagine two boxes, well an infinite amount of boxes actually, you know infinite monkeys something something shakespeare.”

Gina: “…”

Allison: “So! In one of these boxes was a female reader and in the other a male reader. And you opened the box with the female reader!”

Gina. “Wish we picked the dead reader”

Marcie: “Uhu, but it is of little consequence. After the choice our gender comes up, perhaps once?”

Allison: “That’s just sum doc in the house being progressive. It’s still pride month after all.”

Marcie: “Not when this chapter releases.”

Gina: “MOVE ON ALREADY!”

Marcie: “Very well, next we fast forward a couple of weeks and you end up at Victor’s estate. He has left you a present in the form of…”

Gina: “Your fucking century dead boyfriends semen! What the fuck!”

Marcie: “Gina!”

Allison: “Nah, it’s cool. It’s kinda freaky I know, but that’s Victor for ya.”

Marcie: “And by the end of the story you actually made use of that semen to become pregnant.”

Allison: “Hehe, if it’s a girl I name her Elizabeth, if it’s a boy James.”

Gina: “How do you know it’s his?”

Allison: “Huh?”

Gina: “How do you know it’s David’s semen? For all we know Victor jerked off in that tube himself.”

Allison: “…”

Marcie: “Allison?”

Allison: “Hahaha! Good one! I mean, come on, he wouldn’t do that.”

Gina: “Really. The ultra prime narcissistic douche that is Victor wouldn’t want to impregnate you, a person he considers his rival and equal so that he would not only be able to claim the ultimate victory but also get a second chance at life via proxy?”

Allison: “…”

???: “My dear Miss Walker, I must say I find your lack of faith in my good nature frightfully disturbing.”

Gina: “NO! FUCK YOU! PISS OFF!”

Allison: “Le gasp! Is this my arch nemesis and actual psychopath Victor Hayden?”

Ascended Victor Hayden: “Indeed tis’ I! You charming ladies didn’t really expect I would miss out on the grand finale or my moment of triumph, would you?”

Gina: “Marcie, give me your gun.”

Marcie: “I don’t have a gun.”

Gina: “UGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Marcie: “Very well then, Mr. Hayden. What do you say to the allegations brought forth by Miss Stormwalker that you secretly plotted to inseminate Miss Carlyle with your own sperm?”

Allison: “Yeah! That’s like not cool!”

Ascended Victor Hayden: “I am glad that you ask. I have and never had any desire to impregnate Miss Carlyle. To be perfectly honest, I always thought her appearance rather gnomish.”

Allison: “Hey! You’re no prize either, Mr. decomposing corpse!”

Ascended Victor Hayden: “Decomposing? Please. Victorspace employs only the most cutting edge cryo technology!”

Marcie: “If I may bring this discussion back on track. Mr. Hayden, are you saying that, despite the fact that you are the main villain of a porn story, you have in fact no intention of **** the protagonist?”

Ascended Victor Hayden: “Ah, but you see, I did **** here, from a certain point of view.”

Marcie: “Fascinating. Explain.”

Ascended Victor Hayden: With pleasure, you see, by having Miss Carlyle depend on me, by me providing her with both the means of saving the world and her own happiness, I have claimed the ultimate victory.”

Allison: “Crud. He kinda has a point there, doesn’t he, Gina?”

Gina. “I want to kill every single person in this room with a rusty spoon I carved out of my own femur.”

Marcie: “I am happy we cleared that up, but you know what the say, four is a crowd. Anything else you wish to add before we send you back to purgatory?”

Ascended Victor Hayden: “Why yes, remember to vote for me in the upcoming election. A victory for me is a Victor for America. #Hayden2024”

Marcie: “You’re running? But you are a corpse floating in space!”

Ascended Victory Hayden: “True, but have you seen the other candidates? Thank you for having me!”

Allison: “Geez, finally he’s gone. I’m definitely not gonna vote for him!”

Gina: “Too bad you’re still fucking here!”

Allison: “I mean, we aren’t done yet! Next is the party! There’s even cake!”

Marcie: “Is it weird to say I was really anxious during that party?”

Allison: “Really?”

Marcie: “Yeah, that random student who suddenly inserted himself in the party. I was sure he was a member of Vijzenja and poisoned the cake.”

Allison: “Woah, talk about dark. You shouldn’t always assume the worst of people, Marcie.”

Gina: “It’s a story called Bad End and you didn’t get a fucking bad end, you lying bitch!”

Marcie: “I mean, there is still this one cultist named Digamma, who was brought up in the previous segment and never came up again...until the obvious sequel hook at the end.”

Allison: “Hehe.”

Think if you so wish that the endeavour of the final remnants of the Scions of Vieznja to, in this manner, contact those who would oppose them is but an exercise in foolishness. That may indeed be so. Yet so much does the prospect of your rejoicing the alleged shattered debris of our holy ambition offend me, that my conscience cannot be considered redeemed until your so-called victory has been tainted, and the final embers of the delusions of hope have been quenched. So I am left with little recourse.

His Lordship Vieznja persevered. His existence is transcendent and inevitable. You did not vanquish him. Hubris alone...(the message went one like this for quite some time but Gina smashes the recorder at this point)

Gina: “NO! FUCK NO! YOU’RE NOT GETTING TO MAKE A FUCKING SEQUEL! FUCK YOU!”

Allison: “See you all in: “You’re a Reader II: Victor in Space"

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