The Rest Of The Fights

All right, all right. The part with the booth? That was a bit of an oversight. No biggie. All was resolved with a sprinkle of lateral thinking. But just to make sure I won't get caught with my pants down again ( literally I might add ), I got myself one of them brochures in order to check out the nitty gritty of the tournament. Guess what? It turns out this whole contest really disfavours my particular style of fighting! The whole bazooka fiasco really is a microcosm of my predicament.
Which really is just perfect for me!
No, I wasn't being sarcastic. Look, half the problem with problems is that you call them 'problems.' Once you start calling them 'opportunities' a whole new world opens up!

So, you wanna know who my next opportunity is gonna be?
It was between someone with the title Twisted Sister and Seductress Tanya, and... By the time I was done with the paperwork, the fight had already finished.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder about my sense of priorities.

Seductress Tanya was a pale woman with long hair so brilliantly red you might first think a waterfall of lava cascaded down her back. Her body shape and revealing dress were both so ridiculous, you'd think someone just went ahead and painted the midsection of a big hourglass!
I wish I could say that was the weirdest thing about her, but no: she went further and beyond! She had horns of a goat, the tail of a cow, and the wings of a bat. And yeah, wings that small can't possibly provide enough lift for her to fly, but guess what? She used them to fly regardless!
I learned that these were all the typical traits of a succubus, a demon that specializes in womanly viles!

Now, I don't need to tell you that Twisted Sister was not gonna take it, or at least that was no doubt her intentions. Alas, the womanly viles of the Seductress turned out to be a bit too womanly for the Sister in question. With only a blown kiss, Twisted Sister fell to her knees, and in a fervent display of **** infatuation begged the succubus to accept her surrender.

Now the Twisted Sister knelt down at the Seductress's feet like a puppy, as her new mistress fed her scraps of food from the table. Not a single trace of regret or defiance could be found in Twisted Sister's eyes. Only warped adoration.
"...Shit. That's kinda disturbing, isn't it?" I pointed out as I watched the display from across the dining area.
"For frigg sake... Would you rather the mother-flippers turned into an unwilling **** against her will?" The white-dressed woman with bird wings sitting next to me said.
"I'd rather not see any slavery at all! And aren't you supposed to be, you know, on the side against demons?"
"You can bet your sweet bum I am!" The angel harumphed, "But look, I'm not just saying that to be a prick. Trust me, I've been around the tournament scene for frick knows how many years, and let me tell you once you've seen someone become a **** kicking and screaming against their will, you darn right start to appreciate the little blessings."
"The succubus power is no game, mind you." The centaur unicorn told me, "Her magic amplifies the sense of attraction the target has for her by multifold, using that to overwhelm her opponent and bend them to her will. The stronger the attraction, the more power she has over you. And as you can see from those curves, there is no shortage of attraction."
I chuckled, "Well, then looks like I'm in luck!"
"...How the heck do you figure?" The angel girl asked, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull some kind of convenient contraption out of your bum that fixes the issue?"
"Nah." I smiled, looking between the group at my table, "Just that I'm not into chicks."

The ladies surrounding me all looked at me like I was some kind of freak.
"...What? I said something funny?"
"You're... Not into women? Like, no women at all?" The centaur girl cupped her hands over her mouth.
"Uh, no? I mean, if someone does something really awesome then, yeah, I'll think that's hot, regardless of how much boob or dick they have... But no, a chick can't just wiggle her butt at me and expect my knees to melt."
"...Look..." The angel girl groaned, "If someone is friggin hot... Then they're friggin hot, right? What's the gosh-darn big idea what gender they are?"
I shrugged, "No clue. I guess that's just the way I was made. But from where I come from, most people are exclusively attracted to the opposite gender. Sure, there are guys who prefer guys, and chicks who prefer chicks, and that's cool. But I ain't one of them."
"...How?" The centaur girl said, "I mean, why?"
"Uh... Cause male and female are both necessary for human reproduction? Just like with all animals and plants?"
"Oh, for frick sake! What kind of mother-flipping answer is that? Humans aren't animals, are they?"
I shrugged, "Why not?"

The centaur and angels exchanged glances that asked each other 'what's up with this girl?'
The centaur girl cleared her throat as she started counting on her fingers, "Because animals don't build roads and cities. They don't write symphonies or epic prose. And they certainly don't raise empires that span continents."
While she went over her list, I had taken the opportunity to take a bite out of the apple and mutton stew that was served in the diner. Rather tasty stuff, though I'd rather they'd go easy on the cinnamon.
Once she was finished with her list, I had to chew it up just a little more before I could swallow, then answer, "Well, I mean, are there any rules that say animals can't do those kinda things?"
"Of course!" The unicorn said, before finding herself hesitating then backtracking, "Well... Maybe not a rule as such, no... But... You'd think something like that would be common sense."
"Ah, and that was your mistake! You can't trust a zaney girl like me to abide by common sense! And frankly, I wouldn't want to! Its got a tendency to get in the way of all the fun thoughts that are just waiting to be thought!"

The angel girl chuckled, "Heh... You've got any ideas what to make of this mother-flipper, Uni? Someone who's only ever into guys..."
The unicorn shook her head with an amused smile, "No idea, Katey. I've heard of humans who consider Galmons as animals, but what do you do when humans also consider other humans animals?"
"Well, it's not discrimination if you hate everyone equally!" I cackled loudly at my own joke, "Nah, but seriously, if you think I'm weird, how do you think your land looks from my perspective? You've got magic and hi-tech all in the same room. And then there's your attitude to slavery. I mean, take the whole idea of a **** Tournament for example. No offense, but who in the right mind would make a game about collecting slaves? Where I come from, people would go apeshit if someone was made into a **** for such a silly reason. No matter the circumstances, one person shouldn't be allowed to own another person, you know what I'm saying?"

During my harangue, Angel Katey had picked up her bowl of apple and mutton chew and chugged it down her mouth. She placed the bowl down with loud clunk and gasped in satisfaction.
"Huh. You know what? That's not bad. Seeing slavery as the frigged up institution that it is." Katey said.
"So does that mean you will make the other contestants surrender?" Uni asked, "Because let me tell you, I will not go down that easily."
"Hmm? Uh, no? Cause I don't want any slaves? And I don't want to want any slaves either. That'd be the complete opposite of what I was just saying."
"Oh, but of course." The angel girl leaned in, "But you know what? Frigg those kinds of lofty principles! Sometimes the ends justify the means. All you gotta do is make them submit, and you can make them do whatever you want. And that includes making them release their own slaves. And if you don't want any slaves, you could just release them afterwards!"

"Hmmm..." That gave me time for pause. Human rights are great and all, but really; I'm all into the idea of utilitarianism. Isn't the world better with less slaves, after all? Even if it’s bad to own slaves, isn’t it also bad to not enslave someone in this case, if it leads to a slightly better world?
I looked at the twisted display of Twisted Sister licking her mistress's fingers.
Really, if I could help her but didn't, am I not responsible for her fate? At least partially?

"Go ahead and give that some thought, will you?" Uni said sympathetically, "But do not imagine that it will be easy if you try. Whether you are attracted to the Seductress or not, she is a powerful fiend that should not be taken lightly. It will not be as easy as shooting down a lady armed with kitchen utensils."
"Oh, like you're the one to friggin talk?" Katey said ," You friggin fought against a fish on dry land! Literally! That mermaid mother-flipper could do darn cheez as you skewered her! Face it! Among the lot of us, I was the one up against someone who could put up a gosh darn fight!"
"Oh, yeah! You were up againsts that devil chick, right?" I said with a cheerful tone in my voice, "Congratulations! However did you end up beating her?"
"Uh... You know... With cunning and, uh... Determination, I..."
"Didn't she steal your panties?" The unicorn chimed in, "And she ended up passing out when she tried sniffing them?"
"...Friggin shut up! Look, how I beat that mother-flipper doesn't matter. Good always triumphs over evil! Therefore I would've won either way. Ipso facto. The end. Case closed. Conversation concluded, archived and forgotten." The angel girl takes a deep swig from her glass of grape juice, hoping to excuse herself from the rest of the conversation.

I chuckled at the amusing display.
As you all can plainly see, the C-bracket is just full of the best people imaginable!
Shame they're all gonna get their asses kicked.