The Gang's All Here!

“You've got them? All six?”

“OK. Going live”

…

“Wait! There's only five!”

“What do you mean they're all there? They most certainly are NOT all there!”

“Of course I'm fucking sure!”

“Yes I'm fucking counting them. There's five. Not exactly breaking new ground in advanced mathematics here”

“Don't you fucking dare ask me to re-count them. Look at your hand.”

“No! I'm not about to turn your fingers into dicks!”

“Yes! I promise!’

“Yes, I swear on the Producers!”

“I am not about to give you dick fingers! Fuck me! The one fucking thing I say that you assholes latch onto and it's fucking dick fingers!?! Are you looking at your hand?”

“How many fingers do you have?”

“For the love of big fat titties this is not a trick question! The answer is five! You have five fucking fingers! Coincidentally, that's how many contestants I have standing in front of me. I know this because I used my thrice-damned fingers to count all of the contestants and I don't have any contestants OR fingers left over!”

“No! I don't fucking have six fingers! I have five just like you, you utter doorknob!”

“The chief's daughter is missing. Which is amazing to me, as all I remember you talking about is how much you want to lick her -”

“I'm just repeating what you said. These are your words, not mine”

“We'll its not my fault your list of pervented fantasies is enough to give even Dakota pause!”

“Yes! That one! Her!”

“What?”

“I fucking heard you. I'm just having a hard time believing that we've been live for the Producers know how long having this conversation AND I'M STILL MISSING MY SIXTH CONTESTANT!”

“Yes I still want her! Why would I fucking cut her now? She is here in front of me or so help me I will skin you, cover you in ants, sew your skin back on, and then proceed to give you a series of papercuts and spray you with lemon juice!”

“Thank you.”

“Yes. I see her”

“No, I'm not going to do that to you.”

“Yes! I fucking promise!”

“Aunt Janice, I swear if you don't get off the mic, I WILLl do that stuff.”

“OK. Love you too.”

Sage looked at a space in the middle distance and plastered on an obvious fake smile. “Welcome one and all to the newest season of Harem Hotel! I apologize for the uh… technical difficulties just now, but we've got it ironed out and we're ready to go!” Sage made a grand sweeping gesture that encompassed Dave and six confused women standing around looking with various dazed expressions on their faces. In front of them was a slim blonde woman wearing a sparkling red leotard, high heels, a black tophat, and a bowtie. She stood about 5’6” and sported a trim, athletic figure.

“You've met everyone here with the exception of Suzanne!”, Sage announced to the seemingly empty air. At the sound of her name, the aforementioned Suzanne started and looked around nervously. She was in what she considered her loungewear for an evening in watching trashy tv. At 5'11” she was among the tallest people onstage. Her slender figure was dressed in yoga pants that showed off legs built by playing soccer and a sports bra that left her toned midriff bare, showing just a hint of abdominal muscle. Her skin was the most pale of the assembled people, and her black hair was only eclipsed by Jane's in terms of how deep and dark it was. High cheekbones and a delicate nose perched above a dainty mouth. The sports bra covered what appeared to be moderate, but not large breasts.

“This is Suzanne Green. She is the daughter of Dave's chief. She is a freshman in college and recently turned 19. She's had a crush on Dave for the last five years, and is a virgin!”

Sage lowered her voice and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper, “Not too many boys want to risk the wrath of messing with the police chief's daighter!”

Suzanne felt the gaze of the other people around her and prayed that the ground would swallow her up and end this embarrassment. Unfortunately for Suzanne, her prayer wasn't answered, and Sage continued.

“I am Sage and I will be your host for this season of Harem Hotel!” I'm sure you all know the rules, but I'm going to gloss over them real quick so we can get on to the sexy stuff!” At the mention of rules, Hillary seemed to rouse herself and looked up sharply. “Rules? What fucking rules? You fucking kidnapped us!”

At this point she noticed Dave standing off and to the side of the group of women. “What's HE doing here?!? Let me guess… He put you up to this, didn't he? Well I don't know about the rest of these bitches - at this several angry glares were directed at Hillary - but I know my rights! I demand a lawyer, due process, habeas corpus, and whatever the fuck else we're entitled to so that I can get the fuck out of here, wherever the hell that happens to be!”

Dave attempted to speak, but Sage spoke over him. “THAT, my dear barrister is your Master. You and these “bitches” as you call them are contestants on Harem Hotel, where you will compete via a series of challenges for spots in his Harem! Isn't that great?” Seven sets of eyes stared back at Sage in confusion. She held a finger to her ear and began speaking rapidly in a hushed tone.

“Can they understand me?”

“I don't fucking know! That's why I asked you, dumbass!”

“We'll Yes. Obviously one of them understood me, but it wouldn't be the first time you've fucked something up in the last fifteen minutes Steve!”

“Yes! The pyrotechnics were your fault!”

“NO! STOP TALKING ABOUT DICK FINGERS!”

“They can understand me?”

“Then why didn't you lead with that? You really could fall and manage to miss the ground, couldn't you?”

“... Yes. I know that I just described flying. And once again, you have put your keen and penetrating intellect to the task and once again missed the entirety of the point.”

“No! I don't actually think you have a keen and penetrating intellect! Fuck me! Are we going to have to have a fucking class on sarcasm now? DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE ANSWER THAT! That was yet another rhetorical question.”

“So you're saying that they can understand me, but they don't understand me. Why didn't you lead with that?”

“For the love of the Producer that was also rhetorical! Go start prep for the next round. No! We don't need the avocados and pogo sticks anymore. That got canceled at the last production meeting.”

Smiling, Sage turned back again to the group from Earth who were, if anything, more confused than they were before. “So! Where were we?” Sage mimed a thoughtful expression before her expression brightened and her smile returned. “Ah yes. The show and the rules. All of you know David Brewer. He certainly knows all of you!” At this, six pairs of eyes focused on Dave with varying degrees of hostility and confusion. “As I said before, you will all have the privilege of competing in various challenges for placement in Dave's Harem! And, before one of you says or does something rash, I'm going to tell you now that one way or another, you're going to be attached to him going forward. The question is how much of yourself remains intact by the end of the competition? ‘But Sage!’ you cry, ‘What's the point? Sounds like I'm screwed either way.’ We'll, my lovelies, that's where you're wrong. The winner will get a wish. And before you scoff at this, I'm here to tell you that magic is real. How the hell do you think we got you here?”

Sage looked around at the assembled faves. Fear, confusion, anger, these were good and she was happy to see these expressions. Those expressions meant that her audience was listening. She looked back to Hillary. There's always one, she thought. There's always one that we have to make an example of. “Hillary, is there something you'd like to say?”

The lawyer stared st Sage, took a moment to compose herself, and then began the monologue that she had clearly been composing in her head instead of paying attention to Sage. “I'm not sure how you **** us or how many dirty cops like this asshole - at this she pointed at Dave - you have on the payroll, but you are so fucked, lady. If you take us back now, I'll only ask for 3 life sentences. I have connections! I know the judges! I've got dirt on most of them and they'll do what I say if there's even the slightest justification!” Dave, who had maintained a shellshocked expression turned at this revelation and started to open his mouth. Sage, wanting to keep her demonstration focused to the one unruly contestant, flicked her wrist towards Dave. Dave suddenly found his mouth snapping shut and unresponsive to his attempts to speak.

Hillary either ignored or didn't see the interaction between Sage and Dave. “And you expect us to believe in fucking magic? MAGIC?!??! Jesus lady, but you might be even dumber than Dave here. Why I -”

“Annnd that's enough from you, dear, “ Sage interrupted. “I take it a more… practical demonstration will be necessary for you to take this seriously. Nod if you understand. And no, you may not speak. I've temporarily taken that ability from you.” Hillary stood with a stunned expression on her face. Slowly that expression turned to fear as she tried and failed to make any noise. Numbly, she nodded her head. “Excellent!”, Sage exclaimed. “What to do, what to do?” This was the tricky part. Sage needed to make an impression, but she had a tight budget and her magic was stretched thin. “I know! Everyone loves big milky tits! Until the end of the first week, you're getting some new boobs! We'll go with an oldie but goodie!”

Why buy the cow? - Until the results of the first challenge, Hillary’s breasts will expand from their current size to DD. She will lactate, but will be unable to milk herself. The longer she goes between milking, the hornier she will get. And just because she was rude to the host AND the Master, the only way she can be milked is via suction provided by a mouth.

There was a ripping sound and Hillary's designer blouse tore to pieces. Her bra suffered a similar fate as her breasts rapidly expanded. “Holy fuck!”, Dave, Jane, and Hillary all exclaimed at once. Hillary struggled to hold her jacket closed while everyone else stared at her new assets. Was that overkill? Sage wondered. I'm pretty sure that she got the point the second I took away her voice. Carrot? Stick? Who am I kidding? The best carrot IS the stick! Hillary (and everyone else, including Dave) was now laser-focused on Sage. “Where was I?, she asked. “Ah yes. Magic. It's a thing. The winner of this competition will get a wish. Just know that you can't wish yourself out of the Harem or for any harm to befall anyone else in the Harem, including your Master. You can also only wish for ONE transformation to go away. And that brings me to the next part. Transformations! Each of you lovely ladies will shortly be receiving a starting transformation. These may or may not follow a central theme. Our production staff is… trying their best. You will be presented with three options and our dear audience will vote on them. I have two vetoes per round that I may use at my discretion. In the event of a tie, you'll get BOTH (or all three!) transformations! Isn't that exciting? Now, there will periodically be a popularity poll that will award BPs, which will function more or less like currency while you are here with us. You might also receive them for performing certain -ahem- services for your Master or at his request. During challenges, the prize will be Victory Points, or VPs. At the end of the show, whoever has the most VP wins! Everyone over the 100 point threshold will get a beneficial transformation, or boon. If you are below 100 points, you will receive a punishment transformation. Hillary is experiencing one of the mildest punishments I can bestow. Tell us, dear… how are you feeling?”

Hillary visibly calmed herself. She was simultaneously scared out of her mind and furious that this … this… witch! would so casually violate the sanctity of her body. In the back of her mind, she also noticed a familiar heat beginning to build in her core. To be sure, it was low, and very slowly building, but it was building nonetheless. Additionally, once she began to get over the initial shock of most of her upper body's clothes spontaneously suffering catastrophic failure, she began to notice the beginnings of what she could only describe as tightness in her breasts. “I'm fine. I can handle this, and I can handle whatever stupid challenges you throw at us! You don't know who you're dealing with, lady!”

Sage smiled. She had to give Hillary credit. She put up a brave face. She was clearly scared out if her mind, but she was trying to hold it together.

“Additionally, you may earn VP for entertaining your Master. There are bonuses for the first time an event occurs, and diminishing returns as acts are repeated. Sadly Hillary, if we had actually started the competition, you would have gotten points for flashing your boobs at the Master AND you would have gotten a bonus for being the first to do so. Unfortunately, the competition doesn't start until the first transformations are awarded. That's all for now. We'll take a commercial break and coming up, we'll have the first round of transformations up for voting!” Sage gave a dramatic bow and straightened up, smiling at her guests. “Time works differently here, so we'll be back live momentarily. After we're done, feel free to make yourselves at home. Explore the grounds and try to enjoy yourselves. Each of you will get one night a week to spend with the Master. You may use your BP to purchase items to facilitate this date. You can also use your BP to sabotage your fellow Harem sisters and buy temporary OR permanent transformations for them. The only person you can't negatively affect is Dave, your Master. “

“Normally, we'd have you split up into some kind of roommate situation, but we ran out of time, so we're going with a barracks option. No, it's not an actual barracks. It is luxurious to the point that you might believe that the room itself is magic. But… you will all share one bedroom. And, I will say this exactly once: Fucking a Harem sister over via the BP shop is not only acceptable, but is encouraged. Physical **** will be met with **** prejudice. Ask Hillary what that means if you have questions. You WILL play this game, and you WILL play by the rules. Now, assuming there are no more questions, let's get ready for the initial transformation vote!”

All eyes had turned to Dave during Sage's rambling explanation. He gingerly raised his hand. Sage pointed at him and said, “Dave dear, as the Master you never have to ask permission and you never need apologize for anything.” From the looks he was getting, even from his longtime partner, he felt like the exact opposite was the truth. Summoning his courage, Dave asked, “So uh.. Sage? Miss Sage? Mrs. Sage? Not to be a smartass, but where the hell are we? It looks like we're just hanging out in a black void with an invisible floor.”

Sage looked around and clutched her top hat so hard that Dave was sure it would be ripped to shreds. “One job. He had ONE fucking job. Transport the group of us to the site during my spiel so the transition would be as seamless as possible. There was no need for interpretation. ‘Larry’, I said, ‘When I start laying out the rules, I want you to sloooowly begin phasing in the Hotel grounds and buildings so that by the time the shock wears off, we're suddenly in the lobby.’ And somehow he manages to fuck this up. I swear that I am cursed and am willing to sacrifice any and all of my underlings to rid myself of this curse.”

Sage held a finger to her ear.

“Oh my fuck! I swear we are having a class on grammar and the use of rhetorical questions, sarcasm, irony, figurative speech, literal speech, and hyperbole for our next production meeting!”

“No! I wouldn't actually sacrifice all of you. Just most of you. Probably. Hell, assuming they'd even want you.”

“For the love of titties, Mom, you'd be one of the last on the list.”

“Yes, seriously. “

“No! This is not one of those, ‘it's an honor just to be nominated’ situations! Failing to make the list , which is FUCKING HYPOTHETICAL AND THEREBY FIGURATIVE IN NATURE is the desired outcome.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Ok. Tell Sgt. Barkers and Miss Mittens I miss them.”

Sage turned back to the would-be harem sisters and their Master. “Now, let's get on to the transformations!”

…

“And the hotel!”