The First Harem Tournament 23 – Halftime Event

For every person in the world, there was at least one thing that did not fit the mould.

The healthy athlete who chain smoked at any party they were at. The chef who delighted in stuffing himself with the cheapest, greasiest food available. The gentle friend who couldn’t hurt a flower turning into a foul-mouth during online games. The shy woman who got a twisted sense of satisfaction out of seeing people stumble over crooked stairs.

The holy Warden who grinned like a devil when seated on a motorcycle.

Moira donned a black body suit. Any shame about how tightly the rubbery material clung to her was forgotten. Decorations as red as her hair gave the outfit an extra layer of racy appeal. Her parted legs pressed against the sides of the blue vehicle beneath her, a custom-made motorcycle – one of several in her possession.

The camera was currently focused on the Warden. John chuckled, reminded of all the conversations he had with Moira about her worries pertaining to her public image. If she had known that she currently displayed a most villainous smirk, would that even have bothered her?

[Moira Racing Queen AI: https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/8936573c8a25.png ]

“How confused is your boner right now, tiger?” Jane asked.

“Confused? What’s there to be confused about?”

“Fair point.”

They looked out over the field together. The arena had been changed into a racing track, smooth tar winding its way over a flat grassland, interrupted at one point by the cluster of facilities around the lap marker, where pit stops could be held.

Behind the starting line were eight participants in this race. “It’s looking like a fantastic day for a race!” Jeff announced. “The weather is clear, the air nice and still, the track as good as new, one could not ask for better arrangements!”

“The weather is set and the track is new. We just watched it spawn into existence.” Dra poured himself a fresh cup of ginger ale while he delivered his dry remark. “Your short-term memory worries me.”

“And your lack of dramatic flair bores the viewers!” Jeff declared. “Time for us to introduce our contestants and the rules of this race!”

“The rules are fairly simple: our contestants will be doing three laps around the arena in their custom machines. For the sake of fairness, certain limitations were put on the maximum speed and acceleration they are capable of. Beyond that, hardware was left up to each individual. On these customized machines, the first one to complete the three laps wins.”

“Beyond that, almost anything is on the table!” Jeff’s enthusiastic tone cracked like a whip after Dra’s plain delivery. “Ramming, rear-ending, kicking, all physical acts are permitted!”

“For the sake of fairness, magic is not.”

“And do not worry for anyone’s safety, as Fateweaving is in effect and medics are at the ready!”

“Now to introduce our contestants. In position number 1, Moira Brighton, Shield Warden of the Order of the Golden Rose and… what’s her proper title?”

“Matter is outstanding. Apparently, the greater Order has called an ecumenical council to debate the issue in the near future.”

“Interesting!” Jeff declared and immediately moved on. “Position number 2, we have the Armoured Viceroy, the Splatterknight himself!”

The armoured hulk of a man raised a hand. The crowd cheered and whistled, even louder when the man revved the engine of his ludicrous vehicle. It had two tires but both were as broad as tank treads. The entire motorcycle, if it could be called that, radiated the energy of a war machine in its heavily-plated design.

“On position 3, we have Ankleshanker!”

The goblin barely bothered glancing up at the camera. He sat in the safety of a Plexiglas capsule, surrounded by a vehicle that was more mobile dagger than anything else. Small, low and covered in sharp edges, it was clear what his machine was built for.

“On position 4, we have Konrad Kamradsrat, Großmeister of the Knights of Teuton!”

“HUH?!”

Lydia stormed out of the inside of the private area, covered by a hastily thrown-on dress. It neither hid her messy hair nor the straps of the red lingerie she wore in harem company. The cameras were too busy with showing the (extremely cool) machine of black and white metal that the knight sat on. It was a cruiser motorcycle with a large seat in the shape of a crucifix that allowed the fully armoured crusader to remain upright.

“WE MUST RETAKE JERUSALEM!” Konrad shouted, a burning blade raised above his head.

The queen’s palm met her face with an audible smack. Gorgeous features were pulled downwards along the exasperated motion. “Oh, the letters the Sultanate will send me…” she groaned.

“On position 5, we have Wendy and Fred! She refused to drive without the chicken.”

“You don’t know my methods!” the redhead shouted, flipping one of her twin braids back. The smug fast food goddess sat in the driving seat of a complicated… thing made of engines, wheels and restaurant equipment. Two large tanks of boiling frying oil were feeding into the main engine. John didn’t even dare ask how that worked. Fred sat in an attached shuttle, a chicken wearing sunglasses.

“On position 6, we have… uh, who is this?”

“I believe that is Daiyu, lady-in-waiting of the Heavenly Jade Empress.”

John had noticed but not digested that the tiny woman was down there, sitting in a shell-like construction that resembled Ankleshanker’s machine. It was a bit larger, courtesy of the shortstack being on the lower end of human sizes, and plated for defence. Still, it was a capsule on wheels with a blushing woman inside.

The Gamer would have loved to ask Lulu if she had forced this on the poor servant, but the Heavenly Jade Empress was currently showing herself in her assigned area. A little bit of diversion from the rumours that they were sharing the same area. Qingmei was also there. As per usual, the lamia was travelling with Lu Zhi, but she and John hadn’t had a reason to interact during this visit.

“On position 7 waits… Enki, god of stars?”

Hovering in a sphere of measuring tools, the dragon head made of silver mana executed a full flip. His machine was a futuristic thing of expensive tech that Hailey had put together for him just for this event, looking somewhat like a crystal ball on wheels. When the request had reached John, he had obliged. For how annoying he could be, the custodian of the Guild Hall did deserve his rewards for services rendered.

“Last but by no means least, on position 8 is… Dra?”

“Mwahahahaha!” the lizardman laughed diabolically, then leapt out of his seat. A parachute preserved the illusion that he was a frail entity. He landed right by a motorcycle that had been standing riderless, a black, sleek thing that looked like it was made out of dragon scales.

“So, he can have fun!” Jeff declared. “Alright everyone, get ready! On my mark! 3 – 2 – 1 – GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Eight motorcycle engines blared, pumping various forms of exhaust into the air. They kept their starting formation on the opening straight, changing gradually as they went into the first curve. “ANKLESHANKER HAS FALLEN BACK DELIBERATELY AND IS NOW ACCELERATING SHARPLY, HEADING STRAIGHT FOR WENDY’S WHEELS!” A loud BOOM filled the arena as the enchantments emphasized the sound of the wheel pooping. “AND THERE SHE GOES! WENDY TRIES TO KEEP CONTROL OF HER CART, BUT THE GREASE TANKS ARE SLOSHING AROUND WILDLY! ANKLESHANKER PULLS PAST AND- OH NO, THERE SHE GOES!”

Wendy’s absurd contraption toppled over to the side, launching Fred like a boulder from a catapult. Hundreds of litres of boiling hot oil poured out on the racing track.

The rest of the competition was long ahead. Moira leaned into the curve, her cheek almost meeting the ground before she defied gravity and pulled herself back upright on the following straight segment. The others formed a line behind her, trying to keep up with her demonic driving habits.

One after another, the other drivers slowed down, dodging Ankleshanker’s stabs by falling back. The goblin kept flooring it, managing to wiggle in between Moira and the edge of the track at the approach of the next curve.

Without a shred of hesitation, Moira slammed her heel into Ankleshanker’s capsule. The plexiglass cracked. John could practically hear the surprised yelp of the goblin as the holy Warden stomped a second time, grinning sadistically all the while. The greenskin lost control over his vehicle and went flying off into the greenery.

Moira had to slow while she regained balance herself. The Splatterknight, Konrad and Enki pulled ahead of her. Dra and Daiyu formed the tail of the formation. “EVERYONE IS GIVING IT THEIR ALL!” Jeff tried to do his best to comment on the lack of events. With Ankleshanker out, no one else was stirring the pot for the moment. Everyone was just trying to drive as fast as possible, leaning into the curves and turning into blurs on the straights.

The break-up happened right after they finished their first lap.

The massive pool of grease Wendy had left behind was a hazard everyone had to deal with. Trusting in the width of his treads, the Splatterknight ploughed right through. “GOD WILLS I DARE IT!” Konrad declared and followed in his competitor’s path. “DEUS VU-U-U-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULT!” The cry of bravery turned into a prolonged scream. His machine was spinning, then flipped over itself as Konrad was flung several metres into the air.

Lydia pinched the bridge of her nose. “The head of my security, everyone…”

Everyone else made the wise decision of driving around the grease. Moira did so with the determination of a wild animal, skirting the edge incredibly closely. Dra caught up with everyone else, leaving Daiyu as the clear last of the race.

Dra and Enki entered a ‘duel’ in the midfield. The two dragons swerved towards each other, trying to psyche the other out. Neither succeeded and neither committed, both appearing unwilling to dent their precious machines.

Both were caught off-guard when Daiyu rear-ended Dra. The reinforced shell of her motorcycle hit the lizardman’s back wheel at the perfect angle at the perfect moment. Swerving, the machine tilted into Enki’s way, turning the mild displacement into a complete crash. Two dragons were sent flying while Daiyu’s compact machine emerged on the other side with just a few scratches.

John imagined the black-haired woman was stammering an apology as she drove on.

“Halfway through the second lap and already we are down to three people!” Jeff commented. “Violence and racing, everyone! Splatterknight is in first place, Moira in second and Daiyu in third! Oh, but I bet that is about to change!”

They were pulling up on the most curvaceous segment of the track. The same attributes that made the Splatterknight capable of ignoring grease also made him too stiff to take the curves at the same speed Moira was. The redhead made it back to first place.

“Urgh…” With an annoyed grunt, Scarlett plopped down on John’s lap. She put her feet on the railing and her head on his shoulder.

“Back from your errand?” John asked.

“That better be a rhetorical question.”

“It is. How did it go?”

“The instruments were all in order. No spontaneous, nation wide measurement problems,” the technomancer reported. “The reading is accurate. Something big is about to happen.”

“Ya seem excited about that,” Jane commented on the slight smile on Scarlett’s lips.

“The two rules of commerce: stability is good for business and chaos is good for business,” Scarlett responded. “A global uptick in Natural Barriers is definitely good for business. Raw goods prices are about to plummet. I’m going to raise so much fucking industry on Hawaii.”

“Just remember to be respectful of the environment.”

Scarlett dismissed his words with a gesture. “We’re not in the age of smokestacks anymore.”

Below, the race continued into an equilibrium. Splatterknight pulled ahead again when they had to deal with the grease stain, to then be overtaken on the curve once more. Daiyu seemed quite content with her third place. The third lap played out in this formation and the race came to a predictable end.

The crowd cheered loudly all the same. “They certainly liked that,” he noted.

“Novelty and easier to track, no doubt,” Lydia remarked. “To witness the delayed and stretched recording of the cameras must introduce a layer of separation to the combat that makes it less interesting to behold.”

“Something like that,” John agreed. Jeff hovered down to collect his co-commentator, while Daiyu, the Splatterknight and Moira received some basic medals for their participation in this halftime event. “Doesn’t help that last fight was so quick, I reckon.”

“Next fight will be pretty short too,” Jane said. “Sylph versus Momo? Gonna be over in a flash.”

John hummed in agreement and put an arm around Scarlett. “Would you like to stay out here or go inside?”

“Where do you want to go?” the redhead returned the question.

“I wouldn’t be asking you if I had a strong opinion on the matter – though I probably will have to pound the post-race rush out of Moira in a minute.”

“Then let’s go inside,” the technomancer said, swinging her legs over so John could lift her into a princess carry as he got up.

It was the least of what she deserved.