Checking the mail!

{if ULTIMATE WINGMAN>0}

{if looping=0}There is an unexpected padded envelope in my mailbox. I study it with curiosity as I walk into the elevator. The from address cryptically has the single word “WINGMAN”. I tear it open and look inside, finding a slip of paper with more information.

Congratulations Wingman!

We at WINGMAN Male Enhancement Products Co. salute you. You are receiving this gift as the ultimate thank-you for being the ultimate bro. Accept this exclusive product offering as a show of gratitude from the fraternity of wingmen. Just for men. Please use responsibly.

The back side of the paper has a web address. I look deeper into the padded envelope and reach inside. {if ULTIMATE WINGMAN > 1}I find some small packets inside.

{else}I find a small packet inside.{endif}

{elseif looping =2}Who is stupid enough to believe this shit? I tear into in the foil packet and find a large white pill. The internet is filled with so many kinds of phony dick pills that they don't even register anymore. Still... I'm not the sucker that paid for it... I pop it in my mouth and swallow it painfully, getting a glass of water to help it down. After a few minutes I swear I feel a tingle in my nuts. The tingle quickly progresses to prickling. It becomes unpleasant enough that I start to panic and reread the packaging for warnings, but just as soon as I do, the sensation fades. It definitely did something anyway. I check my sack for swelling, but I can’t tell if anything has changed.

{elseif looping =1}I tear open the foil packet to find a liquid gel capsule. I stare at it for a moment, then decide to go for it, gulping it down with as little thought as possible. I wait for a bit, feeling a subtle head rush build. Just when I am sure that something is happening, I feel normal again.

Hey—if there really are active ingredients in these, shouldn’t there be some kind of warnings about **** interactions, too?

{elseif looping = 3}So this recovery pill is like supercharged viagra, right? It seems like it is worth hanging on to, so I put it in my medicine cabinet for later.

{endif}

{if LOYALTY: Lewis = true}{if pill_production=false}

There is a packet labeled 'WINGMAN: Prodigious Production'. The back side reads: “Prodigious Production is a synthetic hormone that sends your testicles into overdrive. Get ready to shoot loads like a firehose! Effects last for 2-4 weeks. Do not use more than once per month. May induce testicular swelling. Consult a doctor if swelling is accompanied by acute pain.”{endif}{endif}

{if LOYALTY: Tom = true}{if pill_intellectual=false}

There is a packet labeled 'WINGMAN: Cognitive Cleanse'. The back side reads: “Clear the fog with this exciting dietary supplement! It sharpens cognitive abilities and coordination by clearing neuroinhibitory toxins from the cerebrospinal fluid. Effects last for 2-4 weeks. Do not take more than one dose per month. WARNING: These toxins become concentrated in semen. Ingestion of affected semen can result in short term cognitive and motor impairment.”{endif}{endif}

{if LOYALTY: Cesar= true}{if pills_recovery=0}

There is a packet labeled 'WINGMAN: Rapid Recovery'. The back side reads: “Tired of pesky refractory periods? So are we! So we developed this supplement to help you fuck like the bedroom barbarian that you are! Effects are practically instantaneous and last for hours! We do not accept any liability for inappropriate use of such dangerously powerful erections.”{endif}{endif}

{else}

There are some fliers in my mailbox. They are all very convincing in their promises to blow my mind with higher internet speeds, better service bundles and scientifically proven methods to save my hair and lose weight.

{endif}