Start on their journey

The knight and squire are nearly an hour into their journey before Alex feels like talking. He devoured the sandwich that Kelly gave them. With a full stomach, he feels only slightly less stressed than when he left the brothel.

“You know, Alex,” says Roderick. “For a while, there was a legend among the people of the eastern realms that I was the Marbhadh Uilebheistean.”

Alex looks up in surprise. “You? Well, maybe you are. Maybe all of this monster-killing stuff is about you and not me.”

Roderick laughs. “No, it’s definitely not me. For one thing, I wasn’t adopted. For another, I lost my virginity to Ophelia Ragnacrotch in her father’s stables, and she didn’t charge me a brass farthing. If anything, I should have charged her, because no other gent in our village was going to do the deed. No, I’m definitely not the Marbhadh Uilebheistean.”

“Then why did the people of the eastern realms think you were?”

Roderick snorts. “Didn’t you pay any attention to the prophesy, boy? The Marbhadh Uilebheistean gets to hump a whole laundry list of choice ass. If anyone complains or says anything negative, you can just say that you’re doing your duty so you can kill the monster that’s terrorizing young virgins. It’s basically a license to fuck.”

Alex continues to be amazed at the way his mentor seems to turn everything to an opportunity for sex. “You mean you pretended to be the Marbhadh Uilebheistean? What about the green sparkles?”

Roderick laughs. “Pixie dust. It produces more of a glow than actual sparkles, but it will do the trick for those who are unfamiliar with the finer aspects of magic. You just have to be careful. Use pixie dust too much, and it turns your pubic hair sentient. I went for nearly a fortnight with a veritable chorus of voices screaming at me from my nether regions. Fortunately, a fortnight is all it takes for the little buggers to mature and they all pulled free and wiggled away before I lost my mind and took a razor to them. It’s just as well… By that point, you couldn’t find a virgin in the eastern realms if your life depended on it. I moved on and found another hobby.”

“Roderick, this is all too much to take in. I get it that I’m supposed to have sex with young and old virgins — and I’m still not sure how I feel about how we’re going to pull that off — But what’s the deal with the part in the prophesy about mounting a lion and fox? And feasting at the Dunes and all of that stuff? I’m not going to have to have sex with animals, am I?”

“That’s the thing with prophesies,” says Roderick. “They’re full of symbolism. Just as ‘sword’ is a euphenism for your pecker, ‘lion’ could mean something completely different than an animal. Maybe it’s some lass with the courage of a lion. Or maybe you’re to bang some gal while the two of you are on a lion-skin carpet. By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I did a threesome with those Viking gals on a polar bear rug?”

Alex refuses to let his mentor get sidetracked. “How am I supposed to know what to look for then if it’s all symbolic?”

“These things tend to present themselves in time, as long as you take them in order. Before you start worrying about whether you’ll be poking the king — or queen — of the beasts, we need to find you a fair maiden to deflower.”

As if on cue, they arrive at crossroads. A sign indicates that a left turn will take them toward the Black Forest. The other road leads to a village by the name of Vanqu’ave. Alex looks at Roderick for answers and sees the knight stroking his chin thoughtfully.

“The prophesy refers to the Forest of Blackness. I suppose that’s the Black Forest, of course. There will likely be a farmstead or two along the way before we get to the forest itself, but we’ll no doubt have to go there before it’s all over.”

Alex says, “The Black Forest? That’s where Jasmine told us her brother fought a werewolf. That place is haunted!”

“Well, not haunted, per se. It is filled with some pretty unusual folks. It’s definitely a place where magic of all manner abounds. Some of it good, and some is pretty foul.”

Alex asks, “What about Vanqu’ave. Do you know anything about it?”

The knight shakes his head. “No… I have yet to traverse this part of the Kingdom. I suppose that may be the last opportunity to enjoy the conveniences of civilization for a while. Of course, if you’re looking for virgins, you’re more likely to find them in rural settlements.”