Secrets of the : Planet, by Forcy

“MERRY MOTHERFUCKING JESUS B’DAY YOU CUCKS! THIS IS RINA, BACK AT IT AGAIN, AND THIS TIME, SHE’S IN THE MOOD!”

“Where are Marcie and Gina and what have you done with them, Sis?”

“I? Nothing. Turns out they were kidnapped by two psychopaths and dangled above a pit full of sharks.”

“WHAT!”

“There fiiiiine. But need a bit of a break. Marcie got a huge itch from the ordeal and is capital P issed.”

“I would imagine they would be a bit more then “pissed”.”

“So, anyways, Ben. We are getting the Christmas slot. And we are covering something you really like: Star Wars.”

“Hm, I guess I am familiar enough with the source material. Not so much with the Disney Trilogy.”

“Understatement of the century. You’re such a nerd for it, you even own Star Wars underpants!”

“Because you keep buying them for me!”

“Yeah, nice excuse there, bro. Anyways, enough with the foreplay. Lets get into it. This will be like a Star Wars Holiday Special!”

“Right...so what is the title of this?

“Secrets of the ”, by Forcy

“Really? That sounds suspiciously...normal.”

“Of course it’s normal, Ben. Just a normal wholesome Star Wars Story about Luke and Leia.”

“…”

“Getting stranded on a deserted planet.”

“…”

“...bonding.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”

IN PROGRESS (BGM)

“mmm...ah..Help me Ben Kenobi...you are my only ahhh..hope!”

“Stop this or I leave.”

“Heheh, alright, wanna do the sum things up stuff?”

“Right. This story picks up six years after the battle of Yavin. From what I can tell this is legends canon with the one difference that Han died. Which alone should be a massive red flag to where this is headed.”

“Wasn’t Han killed by that Emu guy?”

“That happened during the sequels. This takes place before said sequels but after the end of the original trilogy and isn’t part of the same continuity anyways.”

“Wow, this shit’s confusing. Get to the already.”

“So Luke wants to restore the Jedi order. And in his research to do that he stumbles upon some old documents referring to an ancient Jedi temple on an undiscovered planet. According to said documents two user who share a blood bond are required, which leads him to...”

“Ben, sweetie. You are cute as a Twi'lek but for fucks sake! Luke and Leia strand on a deserted planet and have to survive! There! That’s your premise!”

“Well, excuse me for wanting to explain things.”

“Apology accepted. Alright, they are on this forgotten planet and…”

“Eek.”

“What is it, Ben?”

“The subtle hints and nods. I didn’t notice it with the worldmap because it’s not the official one, but this is...Westeros, I mean Planetos. This is a crossover with A Song of Ice and Fire!”

“Well, someone just got excited.”

“I mean, that’s actually really cool! It’s way before the start of the timeline obviously, which means it’s fairly subtle. There aren’t any characters from ASOIAF, it’s really just the world. But the way it plays into the plot and all. It’s really very clever! I like that! I really do.”

“Aww, your so cute when your giddy.”

“I might actually look forward to this!”

“But Ben.”

“What?”

“Isn’t that the show?”

“…!”

“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!”

“Woah, Ben...are you crying?”

“I..I...I was looking forward to this! Don’t call it thaaat!”

“Hey, hey calm down. Look, um...I’m sorry!”

“It’s not the show.”

“Sure.”

“ is just a small part of it. I don’t like it because of that. I hate !”

“There, there. Think you can continue?"

“...fine. Luke and Leia crash land on the planet. They didn’t inform anyone of this mission, so they are on their own.”

“ok...can I say something Ben?”

“Sure.”

“This author sure fucking loves his commentary doesn’t he? Like holy fuck, basically every chapter starts out with and ends with one!”

“You raise a good point, Sis. I think it’s rather intrusive and in at least one point actively makes the story worse.

“Uh...start bitching Ben. I love it when you bitch!”

“...I am talking about the commentary at the end of chapter 5 where the author reveals that this is in fact Planetos.”

“Uhu.”

“Up until now, the nods towards it were fairly subtle. And that is good because this is distinctly a Star Wars story. The reader doesn’t need to know that this is set in the world of ASOIAF. It’s a fun little easteregg for the ones versed in the lore. Nothing more.”

“Ok, I’m with you there.”

“But when the author, out of the story even, flat out tells the readers what’s up you completely ruin that subtlety you worked so hard to build up! I get that it can be frustrating when readers miss your clues, but when they eventually figure it out, it will feel so much greater then if it’s simply being told.”

“You gotta let the process do its thing, dude. Just trust in their intelligence, man.”

“Moving back to the plot, they discover an ancient Jedi Holokron and get basically tricked into having sex with each other to escape the planet.”

“Not that there is much tricking required lol. The two are horny like, whatever counts as rabbits in Star Wars.”

“Rabbits.”

“Really? They are just called Rabbits?”

“Yes, I would like to say we should move on but from here the plot basically screeches to a halt as the fucking commences.”

“And the gifs, holy batman the gifs!”

“There are a lot of them.”

“Look author, I’m no lesbian, so maybe cool it with shoving tits and boobs into my face?”

“These are the same thing, sis.”

“But I am willing to endure it for my cute little pervert of a brother. So, Ben, I bet you are pretty hard right now. I bet your cute little darth dick is just gasping for air.”

“No.”

“B-but boobies!”

“You can’t just shove a bunch of gifs in my face and expect me to get horny. Even if I was into -which I am not, this wouldn’t work. I’m here to read a story not watch an assortment of 10 second movies.”

“Ben is a bit of a snob when it comes to porn, but when he actually orgasms he looks super cute! I have a top five list on tape.”

“What am I even…”

“Alright Ben, you might not like the gifs but what about the sex proper? There’s lot to choose from after all.”

“The just ruins in”

“Oh come on, Ben! That’s sexist!”

“That is not what sexist means.”

“But yeah, I’m afraid it wasn’t my cup of tea either. Can’t believe I’m saying this about an story but all the gifs. It’s like if someone would shove a dick in your face while you tried jerking of. Your little penguin would shrivel up right away, right?”

“The story definitely takes a very male centric approach. And perhaps to it’s detriment? I mean, the actual text itself could definitely appeal to a female audience. We even get chapters from Leia’s POV.”

“Point of vieeeeeew!”

“Can you not, Sis?”

“Sorry.”

“What I mean, the very first story we covered. Idol Sister, by NaughtyOppa had a similar approach with gifs, but there the author opted to have them as links, which is far less intrusive and doesn’t break the reading up nearly as much.”

“OK, anything else?”

“I would have liked the plot to be a bit more tighter.”

“Tight!”

“Siiiis!”

“He he he, ok. Ok, explain.”

“The pacing is fine at the beginning, but then it just fizzles out. And look, here is the thing.”

“Oh, boy, the thing."

“This is about , right? Brother and Sister and it’s consensual and all very...ugh...loving.”

“Yes?”

“Because of that, variety is rather lacking. That by itself isn’t an issue, but you need to break up the sex. Take a more plot centric approach and put the intercourse in at decent intervals to make it feel fresh.”

“Eh, that feels veeery opinionated Ben. The story has received plenty of likes. So maybe, just maybe it’s not the entire world who’s wrong. It’s you!”

“Uggghhhh….”

“And hey, Palpatine returned, somehow. So there’s your plot.”

“Yes...that actually happened in Legends as well. The series really loves bringing him back.”

“Not gonna lie the idea of him spying on Luke and Leia having sex is fucking hilarious. He’s all like there are many paths to the , some consider...unnatural and Do it! Execute order sextisex!”

“Riveting. Anything else?”

“Actually yes. The dialog is pretty cringe, bro.”

"I am getting thirsty so I am heading back into the ship to open one of the coconuts we brought with us with the ."

"Get one ready for me too, will you?" She requested. "I will be with you shortly but I would like to see the dawn of this new world for a bit longer."

“Yeah. The author has a bit of a habit of putting exposition into his dialog. Here’s another example.”

"I knew we took some damage on the crash-landing but I wasn't expecting that the hull of the ship below my room would end up shattering under the weight of the broken parts in the last few hours,"

“Are these two fucking aliens? Who the fuck talks like that?”

“I mean…”

“Bah, you know what I mean!”

“This story is told in third person, so there is really no reason at all to have the exposition via dialog. A good trick..”

“spinning?”

“Ugh, a good trick is to read the dialog out loud to get a feel on how natural it sounds. Always ask yourself, does it make sense for the character to say this?”

“Ok, Ben. Got one more criticism to round this review up. And you better believe it’s no moon.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

“At one point Luke and Leia where at the beach naked and they didn’t reference sand! Like WTF? That’s like THE thing!”

“I believe we should end this before it devolves fully into memes.”

“From my point of view, the isn’t evil!”

"Why do I get the feeling you're going to be the of me? “